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still_here
Guardian

Reged: 02/01/06
Posts: 389
for one brief moment... i'll post a pic of me.
      #187477 - 04/21/06 09:35 PM

today was the icing on the crap cake i've been trying to choke down alllllllll this week...

I'm going to vent, so please be patient. i'm not sure if i should go backwards or start from the beginning.

* we still haven't gone to closing... bastard association needs to run a $75 credit check on us to see if it's still "ok" for us to continue to live here - we've lived here for 4 1/2 years!!! that escalated today to a phone call to my County Commisoners office, who will be getting back to me, a call to the Florida Bar to find an attny to help because as it turns out according to the Florida Business Regulation Committee... Homeowner Associations are NOT regulated by the State....yet. greeeeeeat.

* Miami Animal Police DO NOT respond to stray dogs wandering around with no food, water or shelter for 10 days tearing up shit & crapping in your front yard as quick as they do on TV. Bastards. you really have to rip somone a new ass before they send out "crazy joe hill billy" animal catcher guy with the worst bad breath & equally as terrible sense of humor. he was however amused with the ass ripping of the dispatcher. apparently the call ticket noted i was "quite irrate" i was pissed the fuck off! 3 calls & and a pair of flip flops later... yes, i was quite irate.

* my "supervisor" at work is the biggest dumbest box of hair i have ever had to deal with.

* an ignoramous at work told me that, "you might not want to lose anymore weight... you might look like someone who as the 'BIG A'" she has no idea that i am HIV+... i almost slapped her for being so brazen to open her mouth and say something as ignorant as that. like skinny people should be ashamed that .... oooohhh they might have AIIIIIIIDS. fuckin bitch. that really hurt my feelings.

* i went to the doc for my follow to my bloodwork from 4/10... (the icing on my crap cake) my CD4 dropped from 651 to 453 :o(. my Vl is still undetectable (<37) % is 41. my good cholesterol is 40 & my bad 102. blood pressure 120/70 temp 98.3. oh, and i'm still HIV+. dammit man. he said that the drop in CD4 is normal, and not to panic. in fairness EVERY FUCKER at work is sick along with the germ ovens they call children. 2 people with MRSA. what the hell people!!! bacterial pneumonia, strep throat, bronchitis, pink eye & rotavirus. i guess i should be happy i didn't drop dead. i guess i'll take a 200 drop in CD4.

* the AIDS walk is this sunday! we did raise $555! YEA US. i did just realize though that i don't have a pair of sneakers. i don't think walking 3.1 miles in flip flops is recommended.


i guess that's all of the immediate drama that's pissing me off. but 4/28 will be a day of reckoning for someone at the cable company when they shut off my cable & i have to call them & bitch that they are a bunch of bastards who need to change the due date to the 30th of the month when i get paid. this has been going on for 4 1/2 years now. and every month i get some genius who tells me that i could have logged on and paid my bill online. then i remind the jackass that they turned off the cable so how would i log on if they provide me my cable AND INTERNET SERVICE!!!! let me save that vein poppping experience for the 28th.

tonight i would love to drink myself stupid & watch Dodgeball or Without a Paddle... but things are different now. so i will eat something with a higher fiber content, drink some milk, take my meds & go to sleep. so this is what it's like to be 97 years old.

yea yea yea, i know, i'm feeling sorry for myself & trying to sound pathetic. get over myself. maybe an angry letter to someone is in order. ;o)

smooooches! ~j

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ItsFaith
Legend

Reged: 10/17/05
Posts: 1329
Re: for one brief moment... i'll post a pic of me. new
      #187490 - 04/21/06 11:04 PM

First let me say....beautiful...you are just beautiful....Don' have a crappy day because to hide that smile is a crime. I'm sorry that life sucks eggs sometimes. I guess if it didn't it wouldn't be life, it would be fiction. But, I hope things get better quickly. Keep smiling Ms. Hell!

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sadface
Legend

Reged: 02/15/06
Posts: 797
Re: for one brief moment... i'll post a pic of me. new
      #187500 - 04/21/06 11:44 PM

Which one are you? You are both pretty!
Hang in there sweets...
Miss talking to you,
Mis

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Survivor
Legend

Reged: 10/30/05
Posts: 3256
Loc: Get off the fence and live again!
Re: for one brief moment... i'll post a pic of me. new
      #187501 - 04/21/06 11:46 PM

Thats the best thing I have seen all day!

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MiamiLat
Guardian

Reged: 12/30/05
Posts: 396
Loc: Miami, FL
Re: for one brief moment... i'll post a pic of me. new
      #187504 - 04/22/06 03:11 AM

Hellfire,
Don't forget to contact me so we can meet up at the Aids Walk on Sunday morning...

--------------------
"Education, prevention, awareness, research, and support"

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still_here
Guardian

Reged: 02/01/06
Posts: 389
Re: for one brief moment... i'll post a pic of me. new
      #187517 - 04/22/06 10:26 AM

i'm the "white chick" that looks like she has the "BIG A" LMAO!! thank you everyone for making me feel ok again. after i vented i threw caution to the wind. i ate 2 brownies, drank some coffee & went to McDonalds and got a #9... sorry, 6 piece nugget (nuggets of death) and a medium fry. now i am paying the price with my own version of a hangover. the HIV (or BIG A, if you prefer) hangover. you know, too much crap that you shouldn't eat so close to your meds. boils over to a toxic liquid in your guts... waiting for you to stand upright.

dammit, i just walked into the kitchen to pour the coffee & i forgot to plug the damn thing in- FUUUUUCK!! ok, i'm breathing, breathing, breathing.THAT'S IT... I'M GOING TO THE COACH OUTLET!!! just kidding.

after my pity party for myself last night (after the McDonalds experience) i ordered a Medic Alert bracelet.

let's see what hidden treasures today brings... i can't wait.

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AIDS2HIV
Unregistered

Post deleted by Becky new
      #187534 - 04/22/06 01:11 PM



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Brandy
Guru

Reged: 01/19/06
Posts: 208
Loc: Oklahoma,USA
Re: for one brief moment... i'll post a pic of me. new
      #187535 - 04/22/06 01:16 PM

Thats a great pic hon....
Ya know sometimes life bits us in the ass...... BIT IT BACK... it will get better love take care and be safe and never let what Other people say bring you down....

--------------------
take care and be sooooo safe love,
Brandy

Live in the Moment!!!!

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still_here
Guardian

Reged: 02/01/06
Posts: 389
Re: for one brief moment... i'll post a pic of me. new
      #187551 - 04/22/06 02:44 PM

LMAO!! idiot!! that is the ugliest pic i have ever seen!! when i first told the few people who know i have HIV.. the 1st response was, "but you don't look like you have HIV" the really scary part, is when the doctor told me i was HIV+, my response was, "but i'm not the kind of person who gets HIV" the trip to the doc yesterday put my life back to that day. i guess i was looking at myself like that again. this whole week was a constant reminder that i do have HIV. i really thought that i have come to terms with it... but really i haven't. it's only been 8 months today that i've known i'm HIV+. maybe if i keep saying it? i have HIV, i have HIV, i have HIV, i have HIV.... nope. still doesn't seem real. ok, looking at the pill bottles, it's real. bleeeeck. i'm kinda scared for tomorrow at the AIDS walk. i'm afraid to see the people who are more advanced than i am. i'm afraid of seeing the husbands, wives, parents & partners that have lost someone they love more than life. i'm afraid that there are going to be people there to protest & harass us for having HIV/AIDS. i'm afraid of looking at my own mortality in the face of a stranger... that is actually me. i don't want to cry for everyone who has died, is dying & will die because of AIDS, but i will. and that moment will be the realest moment... the moment i realize that i am going to die. no matter how much i don't "look the part of the 'BIG A'", i will eventually have the "BIG A". i don't imagine it gets easier to wait for your labs. 4 times a year of unknown worry & torment. praaaaaaaaaaaying that the words you are really hearing come out of Mr Doctors mouth are "undetectable" WHEW!! i wasn't prepared for the lower CD4 though, "WHAT DOES THAT MEEEEEAN!!" Mr Doctor almost fell off his swively chair stool thing. "calm down, it's ok! your % went up & your still undetectable" oooook. i made him promise to tell me that we need to panic when we need to panic. he promised to tell me when we're gonna panic. ok. i told him i would poke out his eye if he didn't use the word panic when it was time to panic. so with my minor crisis over with, again. i'm going to get in the shower, get all dressed & purtified (i might even over dress, it is Miami, ya know) & go to the grocery store. i'll start my hurricane supply shopping now.

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Brandy
Guru

Reged: 01/19/06
Posts: 208
Loc: Oklahoma,USA
Re: for one brief moment... i'll post a pic of me. new
      #187560 - 04/22/06 03:13 PM

Honey try not to look at life like that I've had Aids for 7 years since right after I found out I was poz I'm still here I work and go to school.... NO MATTER WHAT LIFE THROWS AT ME I WILL OVER COME IT... I refuse to just give up and die I will be here for a very long long time and I will live my life to the fullest.... I will be happy and I will enjoy my life... sweetie you need to say that to your self...yes we are poz and yes life is full of meds every damn day.... BUT we are still here and we will make it worth while to live......you control your out look you control your happiness and you deserve to live life to the fullest and you deserve to be happy... and you can make it happen.... now go make YOU happy

--------------------
take care and be sooooo safe love,
Brandy

Live in the Moment!!!!

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still_here
Guardian

Reged: 02/01/06
Posts: 389
Re: for one brief moment... i'll post a pic of me. new
      #187561 - 04/22/06 03:17 PM

muuuwah! love you!!

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firefly
Guardian

Reged: 01/22/06
Posts: 431
Loc: Orange County, Calif.
Re: for one brief moment... i'll post a pic of me. new
      #187565 - 04/22/06 04:29 PM

Hells a HOTTIE!

--------------------
You are a diamond in the rough !

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PositiveInPVD
Fanatic

Reged: 03/12/06
Posts: 55
Loc: Providence, Rhode Island
Re: for one brief moment... i'll post a pic of me. new
      #187569 - 04/22/06 05:52 PM

Wow! I guess my week wasnt so bad afterall! Hang in there. I actually had a coworker (who I like mind you) make a comment in a giggling way when she was passing by and someone had made mention of something being positive (not in reference to HIV...something work related). Anyways she kinda made this giggly smirk about being positive, and it cut deep. So I know how that sort of thing goes. These people know I am gay, but not HIV+. Another time a coworker made mention of areas around here that are known to be dicey, and he joked about AIDS-ridden prostitutes. It pissed me off because it was like saying being HIV+ is a very dirty, filthy thing. Alas I dont have the courage to speak up. I see the prejudice and the ridicule, and to me its not worth sacrificing my privacy, because I think putting a face to it might make people think. My being gay put things into perspective for many people in my past. But alas, I am not quite up for the challenge some 3.5 years later. Maybe someday, cuz I know it will be harder in the short term, but hopefully, and likely, more fruitful and fullfilling in the long run to just stop bearing this secret all alone.

--------------------
CD4 808 (41%), VL <75, liver still functioning great,lipids normal!!!

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still_here
Guardian

Reged: 02/01/06
Posts: 389
Re: for one brief moment... i'll post a pic of me. new
      #187575 - 04/22/06 07:06 PM

stop it... you're making me a blushy & giggly!

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daisey6205
Legend

Reged: 09/08/05
Posts: 1091
Loc: kansas
Re: for one brief moment... i'll post a pic of me. new
      #187584 - 04/22/06 09:49 PM

one thing that always helps me to make it to the next day is knowing that someone out there has it worse than i do. we all have our days when we feel like a fly in a world full of shit, but things will get better. give it time girl. laugh at yourself and things weighing you down. tomorrow is a whole new day..........................
love
daisey
and you are a beautiful girl, dont ever stop smiling!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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