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Anonymous
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Bisexual Husband- Need help understanding
      #184432 - 04/05/06 07:03 AM

My husband of 17 years was just diagnosed with HIV. He admitted that he had done something to put me at risk and that it was with a man. Also, he had a drug addiction. He blamed it on the drugs and said it was a one time occurrence. Well, about five years ago I found an ad on the internet stating he was bisexual and a bottom, looking for one on one discreet encounters with a top. I quickly found out what all that meant. I confronted him five years ago and he said it was just a joke. I loved him so much, I did not bring it up again. Now, he has been diagnosed with HIV. But he tells me it was a one time thing. We have a GREAT sex life, in fact he is always looking and commenting on woman. He has been unfaithful a couple of times with woman. So, I don't get this. He does not strike me one bit to be bisexual. Do you think it was the drugs? Or is he bisexual and I just don't know this? Or is he really gay and states he is bisexual in his ads. Also, he says that the expirementing will never happen again. Could that be true? I feel like I don't know what is the truth. How can I find out since he won't really tell me?

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Anonymous
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Re: Bisexual Husband- Need help understanding new
      #184437 - 04/05/06 08:25 AM

Just my opinion, but if you saw the ad, then it was no joke. And now that he has HIV, you know that it was no joke. No one looks bisexual. They just are. And clearly he seems to be. Stop listening to his protests. The proof is in the pudding. And you don't get HIV from one encounter. And the greatest risk is being the bottom. In any case you say he cheated on you with women. So he cheats and why not with men if he likes them as well?

But what about you?? Did he give you HIV? You need to get tested 3 months from your last unprotected encounter with your husband. One last thing: Unless he was having protected (ie with a condom) sex with you, he has also inconsiderately put you at risk while he was running around. This is something you should think about it. This shows a lack of caring for you and your health.
Think about yourself for a change. And accept that he's bisexual. Maybe you can go into counseling where he will come clean. You have to decide if you are willing to forgive him for putting you at risk. And you have to be sure if you are negative to always use protection in the future to keep yourself negative.

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ScotCharles
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Reged: 05/06/05
Posts: 924
Loc: Los Angeles
Re: Bisexual Husband- Need help understanding new
      #184446 - 04/05/06 09:46 AM

As Kinsey found, sexuality is a continuum from completely gay to completely straight: few people are genuinely purely one or the other, but fall somewhere in between. Your husband is in denial as to his true nature and his denial has put you at risk of AIDS.

If you love him you will have to find a way to accept his sexuality identity. Your husband, on the other hand has shown an alarming lack of care for you and you should be pissed off about it.

The damage is done now, what are you to do about it? You are responsible for yourself and you are worthy of respect and love from your husband.

--------------------
Life is a river.
Carpe diem.

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Choosing2Liv
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Reged: 03/21/06
Posts: 581
Loc: South
Re: Bisexual Husband- Need help understanding new
      #184464 - 04/05/06 10:32 AM

Hello there. Your post was of special interest to me, since like your husband, I am bi and have put my wife at risk (although I did not knowingly do so and have not been intimate with her since finding out).

I'm probably the best and worst person to respond to your post. Best, in that I probably understand some of his thought process and his actions. Worst, in that it rips my heart apart as I think about what I have done to my wife and family.

I wholeheartedly agree with the previous post. More than anything else, YOU MUST TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! Get checked! No unprotected sex with him! Do not take everything he says at face value.

Unfortunately, I know dozens of married guys who are in your husband's shoes. As hard as they try, many of them cannot change until they admit to themselves that there is a major problem, possibly a sexual addiction. I urge you not to become an inablier. Don't give him a "free pass." In my opinion, he needs to admit his guilt (not necessarily the details), prove that he is sorry about his actions, and most importantly, demonstrate that he is willing to take drastic steps to get healed of his sexual addiction.

You sound like a caring and understanding wife. As hard as you try, you may never fully understand what's going on with your husband. (Frankly, he probably doesn't understand many of his actions.) Please devote most your time and energy into caring for yourself. Once you have determined what is best for you, then you can decide if you are willing to work at saving the marriage.

You are in my prayers,
Gary

P.S. If you would like to contact me directly, you may do so by email: choosing2live@hotmail.com

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Anonymous
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Re: Bisexual Husband- Need help understanding new
      #184611 - 04/05/06 05:26 PM

No, he did not use condoms with me. I was also pregnant. But no, I am still hiv negative. I have the viral load test done and was tested twice, 3 and 8 months later. I guess I just wonder will he always be looking at men more than me or will one day he start cheating with men again, if I can not fullfill his needs because I am a woman. I just wonder if I do it all for him. Are bisexual men completely satisfied by BOTH sexes or really prefer one of them more.,..

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Choosing2Liv
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Reged: 03/21/06
Posts: 581
Loc: South
Re: Bisexual Husband- Need help understanding new
      #184616 - 04/05/06 05:52 PM

Hello again. I'm glad to hear that you've gotten tested and the results were negative.

Obviously, I cannot speak for all bi guys, we are probably more diverse than hetro- or homo-sexual men. However, for me, it was more about getting validation and acceptance from another man, the sex was often just a means to an end. My wife fulfilled my sexual needs. For that reason, I would never even consider accepting an offer from another woman.

Your husband is probably different, since he cheated on you with both men and women. I was addicted to "hunting" and winning the attention of certain types of men. His issue might be something else that even he is unaware of.

"Will he always be looking at men more than you or will one day he starts cheating with men again?" I don't think anyone really knows the answer to that question. I do suggest that both of you find a professional, that is MUCH smarter than me, to help guide you through this.

Best of luck,
-G

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ScotCharles
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Reged: 05/06/05
Posts: 924
Loc: Los Angeles
Re: Bisexual Husband- Need help understanding new
      #184764 - 04/06/06 10:24 AM

Check out the Good Vibrations website for strap-on dildos for ladies. Since your husband has advertised himself as a bottom, he might like you to......him. Some of the strap-ons have clitoral stimulators so the experience can be good for you as well.

See this as a chance to have some fun in the bedroom rather than a guilt ridden issue that you are not enough for him. Rent some bisexual porn to get some ideas.

--------------------
Life is a river.
Carpe diem.

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