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Survivor
Legend

Reged: 10/30/05
Posts: 3256
Loc: Get off the fence and live again!
William's Chest
      #180168 - 03/15/06 09:26 PM

I have been doing quite well up until tonight when I felt a bit panic'y. I wish I had my "Underdog Super Energy Pill" with me, but I dont...

So I callled Will and told him I am scared for us. I am scared about this mass in his chest that so far as not been proven to be anything to be alarmed about. In fact the doctor says come back in a couple weeks and we will do some more tests. But right now, they know its not attached to the lungs, heart or bones. I call it "a free floater". I DONT LIKE IT. Its not suppose to be there. I talked to my Dad who is a chest cutter for 40 years and he told me that 90% of these things turn out to be benign. It has nothing to do with HIV, its just FUCKIN there.. I am scared. I don't want to loose Will to any thing like cancer or who knows what. We are bonded, I will never find someone like William. (By the way I am sharing this all with William over the phone while hes at home and I am at work). He says, "Oh honey, you have to get over these panic attacks. You have to be strong for me. I dont like the idea of this ping pong ball there but I am not stressed. Lets celebrate my birthday and then we will look at this." I know this is just life stuff. Doesnt have anything to do with HIV even though it could effect him if some radical treatment is necessary. WHAT IF... How do I get out of these What If's! I pray, I talk to people, I help people, but when it comes down to my actual dealing with my life and William's life, my words are "Up in Smoke". Where is my faith? Where is God now? Why can't I live in today when thats all I preach.? Sometimes, I think it would be easier to go this alone and not have to love someone so much that it hurts when something comes up.. I am so far past that point, I cannot live without my William. But I already have him dead and baried in my brain sometimes. Sure this sounds absoutely outragious, but I get so scared when it comes to health and staying alive.

I am sure you will tell me everything I have heard over and over again. But maybe its necessary. I need a hammer to my head.

All my Love to my Husband and to all of You!



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ItsFaith
Legend

Reged: 10/17/05
Posts: 1329
Re: William's Chest new
      #180176 - 03/15/06 09:46 PM

O sweetie. I'm so sorry you are so worried and going through so much right now. it is so easy to tell others how to deal with thier problems isn't it? So damn hard when it comes to ourselves. This floating ping pong ball has probably been there for ages and since no one was ever looking they never knew it! Trust your doctors...trust your dad...trust god. He loves you and William and will hold you up when you want to fall to your knees. and...it's okay to fall to your knees and cry every now and again...I do it in the shower quite frequently. Let the hot water wash over you and wash away the pain...at least for a while. Hold on to william....love him ....know that we are here for you when you need to fall. We will pick you up...we love you....and hey...go eat a banana-they say it is the magical fruit (I always thought it was beansLOL)

I love you my angel.

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Survivor
Legend

Reged: 10/30/05
Posts: 3256
Loc: Get off the fence and live again!
Re: William's Chest new
      #180178 - 03/15/06 10:08 PM

Yeah, William has said that to... Boy that cat scan picks up everything. Back in the dark ages, this would have been missed and at least we know its there. Where is the comfort in knowing its there tho.. Bluuuck! It all comes back to faith and trust...

Love you Faith

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AIDS2HIV
Legend

Reged: 12/19/05
Posts: 2200
Re: William's Chest new
      #180179 - 03/15/06 10:14 PM

Eric , i always say....of all the things we've had to let go of, you can which ones are mine. They have my claw marks in them, where i let go of em, and turned right around and snatched em right back up. It takes practice, thats all.

I share with an experience i had when i quit my drinking yrs ago.....i drank excessively for quite awhile, and when i finally quit, it wasnt my first attempt by far. I'd let it go, just to pick it back up again, at a later time. I said to a friend " I need to start stopping drinking"....his reply was profound, he said to me " No you dont, you need to stop starting"... that laid the stone i needed, the next time i stopped, i simply quit starting it over, since than i have worked on the root issues. but letting go, was key....Good Luck & god Bless*

--------------------
Thinking about meeting someone from this site? Read my profile before you do.

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ItsFaith
Legend

Reged: 10/17/05
Posts: 1329
Re: William's Chest new
      #180180 - 03/15/06 10:21 PM

William is a smart man...he picked you after all!!!!

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Blixer
Legend

Reged: 01/10/06
Posts: 599
Loc: Missouri
Re: William's Chest new
      #180183 - 03/15/06 10:32 PM

Eric! I sure do understand the panic'y feeling. You were probably running on some extra adrenalin last week with Will in the hospital. Now things start to settle in. And like me, you start doing the what ifs! There are so many unknown things in life. Most of our what ifs turn out to be nothing. So just try to ease your mind a bit in this. I know that is so easy to say, but very diffiuclt to do. Trust what your dad said. Most likely this is nothing. Will's doctors aren't all that concerened right now. Trust them. You and Will have something very special. He needs you right now. I'm sure he is probably a bit scared too. Be there for him. Yes, you already know what we could tell you. You have shared it all with us when we were paniced over things. But when you are in the midst of it it isn't that easy. Just know that there are LOTS of people that care for you two. There are lots of people praying for you both.

You have been such an inspiration to me Eric! Don't let this get to you! Yes, being concerned is okay. But don't let yourself borrow trouble that probably isn't there!

Love you guys a lot!!!


--------------------
David
Sustiva, Epivir, Videx EC


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daisey6205
Legend

Reged: 09/08/05
Posts: 1091
Loc: kansas
Re: William's Chest new
      #180188 - 03/15/06 10:46 PM

You always hear the usual stories of pennies on the sidewalk being good luck, gifts from angels, etc. This is the first time I've ever heard this twist on the story. Gives you something to think about.

Several years ago, a friend of mine and her husband were invited to spend the weekend at the husband's employer's home.

My friend, Arlene, was nervous about the weekend. The boss was very wealthy, with a fine home on the water-way, and cars costing more than her house.

The first day and evening went well, and Arlene was delighted to have this rare glimpse into how the very wealthy live. The husband's employer was quite generous as a host, and took them to the finest restaurants. Arlene knew she would never have the opportunity to indulge in this kind of extravagance again, so was enjoying herself immensely.

As the three of them were about to enter an exclusive restaurant that evening, the boss was walking slightly ahead of Arlene and her husband. He stopped suddenly, looking down on the pavement for a long, silent moment.

Arlene wondered if she was supposed to pass him. There was nothing on the ground except a single darkened penny that someone had dropped, and a few cigarette butts. Still silent, the man reached down and picked up the penny.

He held it up and smiled, then put it in his pocket as if he had found a great treasure. How absurd! What need did this man have for a single penny? Why would he even take the time to stop and pick it up?

Throughout dinner, the entire scene nagged at her. Finally, she could stand it no longer. She causally mentioned that her daughter once had a coin collection, and asked if the penny he had found had been of some value.

A smile crept across the man's face as he reached into his pocket for the penny and held it out for her to see. She had seen many pennies before! What was the point of this?

"Look at it." He said. "Read what it says." She read the words "United States of America."

"No, not that; read further."

"One cent?" "No, keep reading."

"In God we Trust?" "Yes!" "And?"

"And if I trust in God, the name of God is holy, even on a coin. Whenever I find a coin I see that inscription. It is written on every single United States coin, but we never seem to notice it! God drops a message right in front of me telling me to trust Him? Who am I to pass it by? When I see a coin, I pray, I stop to see if my trust IS in God at that moment. I pick the coin up as a response to God; that I do trust in Him. For a short time, at least, I cherish it as if it were gold. I think it is God's way of starting a conversation with me. Lucky for me, God is patient and pennies are plentiful!

When I was out shopping today, I found a penny on the sidewalk. I stopped and picked it up, and realized that I had been worrying and fretting in my mind about things I can not change. I read the words, "In God We Trust," and had to laugh. Yes, God, I get the message.

It seems that I have been finding an inordinate number of pennies in the last few months, but then, pennies are plentiful!

And, God is patient...

Have a blessed day!!

love to you and will..............................................................
daisey

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Survivor
Legend

Reged: 10/30/05
Posts: 3256
Loc: Get off the fence and live again!
Re: William's Chest new
      #180193 - 03/15/06 11:02 PM

Oh Faith, Daisey, Co, David.. You pull me back everytime. That God has put you all in my life is a blessing beyond all measure... I will "let go and let God". Even if I have to let go of William in order for God to do his work. So be it. I am powerless over this, so yeah, you all are right, ive got to turn it over.... In everything....

I love You Guys! Daisey, how you pull these stories out of your butt, I will never know...

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moonstarchild
Guardian

Reged: 02/28/06
Posts: 369
Re: William's Chest new
      #180195 - 03/15/06 11:32 PM

OK taking a brake from Psych homework and checked the boards. Look wWhat I found, my first real case! :-) (tyring to make you laugh.) Yes sweetie laugh. :) I know how it feels to never want to lose the person that you love so dearly that you can't rememeber your life without him in it. I miss my Montez every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year. Wow, try saying that 3 times fast. The point is don't worry so much about the what ifs that you lose sight of the fact that Will is here NOW! Revel in him, smell him, taste him, see him and know that even if something does happen(GOD FORBID) you had something that most people look for their whole lives and will never find. I know because I had it. I now that I will never find another man on this earth who loved me like my husband Montez, but I would be so much sadder if I didn't have the memories to look back on make me smile. HIV would be so much harder to get through if I never had him in my life. You are so loved Eric and I can't stand to see you in pain. It may be because my own pain is still so fresh, but you will get through this. The only way I know how to tell you this is because I lived it. I use to have those "thought attacks" that is what they are. When you feel them coming just stop them right then and there. Will is here and he loves you so much and he needs you. God knows I know it is hard to not think the worst, but it will come soon enough on it's own, don't speed it up. Love, prayer and friends got you through to this point and it will carry you through to the next point. Please stay strong. All my love to you.
Charlene

--------------------
HIV is a part of me, but it does not define me!!!

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Bear60
Legend

Reged: 12/21/05
Posts: 1390
Re: William's Chest new
      #180212 - 03/16/06 07:45 AM

You are surrounded by love and positive energy. These stories are very heartwarming. Big bear HUGS to you Eric.
(((((((((( HUGS))))))))))))))

--------------------
6 ft tall poz bear in Philadelphia

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sadface
Legend

Reged: 02/15/06
Posts: 797
Re: William's Chest new
      #180213 - 03/16/06 07:46 AM

Eric...We all love you here! Be strong for Will...this too shall pass. He is in Gods care, and he is going to be just fine!!! LOVE...SF
Ps. Johnny needs love now too, I am sure he senses that something is going on...

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ScotCharles
Legend

Reged: 05/06/05
Posts: 924
Loc: Los Angeles
Re: William's Chest new
      #180259 - 03/16/06 11:36 AM

Pudding,

You guys are so cute. My guy is in New Orleans this week, leaving me home alone. I travel a lot so we are frequently separated, but I am never alone in the house since Jim (his name) is retired. Over the years, I have been often so mad with him that I wished him dead, but if he really did die I realize I would be truly alone for the first time in 26 years.

A New Yorker cartoon panel showed a married couple breaking a wishbone at Thanksgiving in the first panel. In the next panel, the wishbone breaks apart leaving the woman with the longer and the shorter end flys up into the air over the table. In the last panel, the short wishbone end stabs the husband in the heart. All long term couples can identify with that cartoon, I think.

I'm not on point, I know. William will be OK, and you should worry about him, and he should worry about you. Relationships are a miracle in that two people together are greater than two people apart.

Cheers,

ScotCharles

--------------------
Life is a river.
Carpe diem.

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ravi
Legend

Reged: 11/19/05
Posts: 1148
Loc: Adelaide, Australia
Re: William's Chest new
      #180260 - 03/16/06 11:38 AM

hi

regards from india

I hope william is fine n rocking. As you have correctly pointed out things cannot escape a CAT scan, moreover i would like to believe your father. There are some things on your body which just remain there forever, you cant change it..iti s just like that.

Perhaps on the softer side, i dare i may say that, your care for william and it shows how compassionate you are about him and how truly you love him, and oh hell yes he is a "Lucky" to have you....


God bless you both!

Goodluck

--------------------
Take Care

God Bless you

Stay Well

Love Ravi

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goofyme
Fanatic

Reged: 03/15/06
Posts: 56
Loc: nyc
Re: William's Chest new
      #180297 - 03/16/06 02:07 PM

Dear Eric,
I am new to the site, and I just want to hammar you on your head as you have requested.

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littleprince
Fanatic

Reged: 03/15/06
Posts: 64
Re: William's Chest new
      #180298 - 03/16/06 02:10 PM

here's another hammer, with love:

Insights are revelations.
Truths from inside.
Reflections of our essential self.
This innate wisdom is revealed when we are open and when we trust enough to inquire within ourselves to discover our own answers.

- Arthur D. Saftlas

--------------------
You Are What You Tolerate.

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