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Darian
Newbie

Reged: 12/02/05
Posts: 7
Loc: Singapore
Sharing
      #169229 - 01/09/06 01:06 PM

Hi all,

Am somewhat new to this bulletin board, though I've been visiting the main site for sometime now. Was diagnosed 5 months back, and looking back now it's hard to believe how far I've come on this journey. It's been really lonely, having to keep this from everybody, but I hope one day - just one day - I might be able to tell the people that matter in my life, and maybe more.

I'm 26yo & gay, living somewhere in Asia. Been with my partner for almost 4 years now. Somehow along the way I slipped up. There were issues in our relationship that I should have faced, but didn't. It's funny how you can be with someone and yet feel totally alone. I didn't know how to live with that, and felt more ashamed that while to everyone else everything between us looked fine, our relationship was imploding on the inside.

Not trying to excuse what I did. Resorted to casual sex to ease the pain... and as I met more and more people, I also met more and more people who tried to persuade me into being barebacked. I should have insisted, should have made a stand... but somehow getting them to like me mattered more. And I felt that I had already degraded myself to a point where my self-worth didn't matter anymore. So I started relenting occasionally.

The fever started barely a week after one of those encounters, and wouldn't go away for more than 2 weeks. And somehow, I just knew back then that I'd ruined my life. True enough, a week after my fever stopped, I saw the dreaded double red line on the test kit.

My first thought at the time was: Oh God. I've just killed my lover. I'm a murderer. Then I thought about how my life was over and how I'd let my parents down. How could I make it through to graduation? I couldn't possibly afford meds now. Could my relationship ever work out, considering how bad a state it was in? Did I even deserve to be in this or any relationship again? Could I ever be loved?

The amazing thing was, I managed to work out every single one of those worries out on my own, with the help of a supportive counsellor, a close girl friend, & a good friend of mine - a friend I made in the wards as I was still reeling from learning my diagnosis, & who passed away from AIDS last month. My partner wasn't infected, I'm still alive and not on meds yet, and after many upheavals the both of us still want to make this relationship work against all odds. And I discovered God along the way, built up my self-confidence, and learnt ways to cope with my addiction. A year ago I would never have foreseen myself where I am today, but... here I am.

I'm not saying that everything is rosy. There's the irony of me being in med school, and the necessity of keeping everything tightly under wraps simply because where I am, I wouldn't be allowed to practise if word got about. And my partner and I aren't having sex anymore. The funny thing is, despite the lack of it I've never felt closer to him than I do now - to the point where everything else, even sex, becomes somewhat irrelevant. I hope though, that someday he'll be able to trust me more, and I pray that I'll be able to keep that trust. It's not everyday that you get to have a second chance at life.

CD4's 735 & VL's 44,700. Hope it stays that way for a long time to come.

Darian

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Survivor
Legend

Reged: 10/30/05
Posts: 3256
Loc: Get off the fence and live again!
Re: Sharing new
      #169261 - 01/09/06 03:15 PM

Darian..

It sounds like you have made some big steps in the past five months my friend.. Just because HIV has intered our lives does not mean jack! Dont label, dont live someone elses story. Write your own. Make things the way you want them to be. There is no predetermined road that you now must travel. I personnally like the road less traveled. Never liked the crowded city streets. I was always off looking to into the woods on a single track at 10,000 feet. Thats how I choose to pick my destiny. Not someone elses just mine. You do the same. Get that medical degree. I dont know about Asia, but in America, there are many practicing MD's, EMT, police etc. We are well represented.

If there is love in your relationship. Work it out. Its worth it. I would not be here today if it was not for William and him holding me steady when I was frightened or scared. As well, the people in these forums help me take the next step and move on. I dont think I have even had the chance to sit by the river near "my path" and just look at the things I have done in my 5 months since diagnosis.

Great to hear your story and keep all of us posted! You are so welcomed here my friend.

Love

Eric

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Darian
Newbie

Reged: 12/02/05
Posts: 7
Loc: Singapore
Re: Sharing new
      #169339 - 01/10/06 09:47 AM

Thanks Eric. You know, I first felt sad when I found out that there were HIV support groups in my country, but was advised by some of the organisers not to join because of my "special" situation. They knew what kind of trouble I'd be in if anybody in those groups let out that I was entering the medical profession. That's why I value this place so much. I dream of helping people like me one day, but for now I've to assume the cloak of anonymity.

In fact, I decided at my friend's funeral that I wanted to specialise in this area of medicine in future. It seemed natural that I'd take up this calling. There are few enough specialists in HIV medicine as it is. Hopefully I'll live long enough to see my dream through.

Glad that you and your partner are doing so well. Colorado's a long way from here, but it feels like you're living just next door. Take care and be healthy, ok?

Darian

PS:
There's only now, there's only this;
Forget regret or life is yours to miss... =)

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Survivor
Legend

Reged: 10/30/05
Posts: 3256
Loc: Get off the fence and live again!
Re: Sharing new
      #169342 - 01/10/06 10:12 AM

Darian. Your going to live your dream to its conclusion. We will see a cure in our lifetime. You will help/confort/defend/treat others like us. "Live your Dreams, You will be around for them." Faith is something I cant give you, you will have to find it on your own. With the help of others, you will develop the courage to plow through this and find your star and make it shine ever so brightly..

FAITH!

One Fellow RENT lover to another..

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