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Anonymous
Unregistered

Positive living? Better off Dead??
      #161227 - 10/05/05 10:06 PM

I've been positive since 1995. I'm on my 3rd set of meds. I'm pill fatigued and frustrated living like this. I asked for a Holiday but my doctor explained my virus was too aggressive to take a break and be safe. I'm really bumming about this. I have thought so much to just stop and let nature take it's course. I'm tired and lonesome for true love in my life. I feel I have no real reason to stay here much longer. I'm really putting forth great effort......thanks for letting me vent.

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Basquo
Unregistered

Re: Positive living? Better off Dead?? new
      #161240 - 10/06/05 07:48 AM

Try this: let your search for true love be your reason to live.

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ThePoet
Unregistered

Re: Positive living? Better off Dead?? new
      #161241 - 10/06/05 08:35 AM

I think all of us with HIV may have felt this way or some stage or other though it is certainly much harder for someone who has been through several regime's and feels worn out but you are not alone and this site is proof positive of that. When ever I think about giving up I remind myself that in 1998 a very young and beautiful friend of mine died from a heart attack, she really had no choice and was only 21. So I remind myself how lucky I am compared to her and feel to give up would be a dishonour to her memory, if you can try and look at it that way, you are still here and yes it is possible, true love may well be out there.

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Grandma
Unregistered

Re: Positive living? Better off Dead?? new
      #161243 - 10/06/05 09:04 AM

Dear Better off Dead, You are better off taking your meds than dead before your time. Being positive is no longer a death sentence. I have been on meds for 7 years and doing excellent. When I started I went through what you are going through changing from one regimen to the next cos of side effects. I started with taking 16 tablets a day and to day I am only taking 2 and doing so well. Please hang in there you will make it. Its alright to vent but keep taking your pills. I see myself living up 90 years old, I am 56 right now my life is just begining and just wonderful with a positive status. Hang in there. God bless you.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Positive living? Better off Dead?? new
      #161251 - 10/06/05 04:33 PM

You know I have met some wonderful people on this site by posting a short description and my email address. Try it and you'll find that human connection can help alleviate some of the depression.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Positive living? Better off Dead?? new
      #161280 - 10/06/05 10:15 PM

The cold hard truth is that being positive for only 10 years you should not be on your 3rd regimen.

Your doctor is a fuck up. Get another doctor.

The biggest obstacle in this game is the doctors hands down.

Reason being is because they want to be in power when they are not.

They are just doctors.

I say that because the scientists make the drugs that will help you but the doctors dont know how to administer these drugs that the scientists came up with.

The internet will tell you what to do if you search it. Do not count on your doctor! He does not know or care!

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debtex
Legend

Reged: 03/21/05
Posts: 846
Re: Positive living? Better off Dead?? new
      #161347 - 10/07/05 04:33 PM

Now, I know some docs dont know alot in the means of good proper hiv care. but you (the above poster) have no idea what the original poster is going thru or what if any resistance exists.
I know when starting my treatment in 97 (diag in 95) the medications were not right for me. but I dealt with it for almost 2 yrs. and I was extremely anemic, and yellow and vomiting all day long, every single day. but after that 2 yrs, I told him...I needed to switch....(that would be regimin #2 in 2 yrs)--which luckily worked out much better.
Yes, we as the people living with hiv do need to be knowledgable about our illness and our bodies as to whether or not certain medications are working right for us. but in ways of resistance, some medications will either stop working, or our virus is resistant to them.
If you have a doctor who seems as though they dont care about you, perhaps you should get another doctor. you cant assume EVERY doctor is blind when it comes to caring for their patients.
I work at an infectious disease clinic where the doctors treat hundreds of people with hiv. there are some patients who either dont care enough about themselves, or are drug seeking, and doctors have to be more aggressive and stern with such patients. (especially when the patients are not consistant with their own care).

but I have watched these doctors help people find places to live (I mean, literally GO to apartments with them), pull money out of their pockets to buy them food, I watch them CRY when their patient dies. I see them go ABOVE AND BEYOND the neccessity of a physician....

so for you to make such accusations ,because a person is trying YET ANOTHER treatment, is not blind on the doctors part. It is blind on YOURS.

BUT TO THE ORIGINAL POSTER!!...........how are things on your new meds? Is there a reason why you had to switch? Where are you from? keep your head up, and learn to love yourself.....and love will just come to you.

i wish you all the best.

prayers,
debbie

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Positive living? Better off Dead?? new
      #161730 - 10/12/05 08:19 PM

Each of us have to find our own reason to live. This is true for negative people as well. You need perhaps not a med vacation, but a vacation to rejuvenate your committment to yourself and the reason you enjoy life and living. Can you find the time? Can you spend the day doing something you love? Can you?
All the best!

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Positive living? Better off Dead?? new
      #161734 - 10/12/05 08:32 PM

To the writer of this post:

Your feelings are completely understandable. As someone whom was diagnosed with HIV in 1996, I totally empathize with how you feel. I, too, felt no real reason to continue living after being handed what I felt to be an early death certificate.

I resisted taking all medications initially. Frankly, I couldn't see the need. I felt, 'Why bother? It's not like the meds are a cure.' I also had this fatalistic outlook on life--which lead to alcohol consumption...followed by drug use. I consumed both to 'self-medicate', so horrible was my mental suffering. When I drank and did drugs, I no longer felt like yet another glaring statistic. I was free, euphoric and without a care in the world. Sadly, I didn't realize at the time that the inevitable 'crash' after the effects of wine and cocaine wore off would be far more devastating than before I began. It lead to a vicious, downward spiral into an abyss worse than Hell, if you can possibly imagine that. Each time I returned to reality, I sought the comfort, again, of drugs and alcohol to return me to a state that was clearly better (or so I thought). In retrospect, I shudder to think of what a nightmare I was living at the time.

What saved me was love...something you speak of yearning for. But not just a romantic type of love...love from people who entered my life in the simplest of ways. Often it came from incredibly understanding and kind Nurses at the doctor's office who'd give me hugs when I sorely needed one and held my hands when I cried uncontrollably over my plight. And there were long time friends--the few who didn't abandon me because of my health challenge--who were quick to call and say something to make me laugh...or surprise me, say, with an unexpected visit to take me out to dinner (an unforgettable moment was the surprise birthday bash thrown for me at my favorite restaurant, a memory that's as fresh today as it was several years ago!)...or just to simply be there because they genuinely wanted to. You see, when you're filled with angst,anxiety and gut wrenching sadness, a good, loving friend or two or three never, ever hurts. I was fortunate to have been blessed with people who refused to stop loving me.

Romantic love is also possible. I know: I met a wonderful partner who has loved me more than I ever thought possible, despite HIV--and he's HIV-negative. Who would have thought? I figured my dream of ever hoping to secure love and companionship in an intimate way was surely dead. Isn't it wonderful to know that my dream did in fact manifest? What's even better is the fact that it can happen for you as well. But it can't happen if you make the choice to give up...and possibly succumb to this awful disease. You deserve better than that. Despite the way you feel, you are truly loved, prized and valued. The most important first step you can make here is to realize this for yourself first and foremost; the rest will fall into place naturally.

I won't pretend to have all the answers, because I don't. I still have moments where I want to simply 'leave'. Emotionally, there are moments when I feel I'm a walking train wreck, despite all the good that has happened in my life since being diagnosed with HIV. We're human, after all; we hurt. Old memories have a way of coming back to haunt and immobilize us from time to time. But it's important to remember that these moments do pass. They really do. Please: don't give up. The mere fact that you're still among the living is testament to the fact that God still has a plan for your life, even if you can't possibly imagine what that could be. Love...and be loved in full measure. Live life and celebrate it, because you truly have much to savor and relish despite how bleak life may feel for you at this moment. Be celebrated by others as well. Allow greater room in your heart and life for additional love to enter, and you'll reap tremendous rewards. As someone who has been where you now are, I'm here to tell you that good things are still possible...that life is still worth living...and that love does annihilate much of what ails us. But it won't happen if you don't give yourself a fighting chance, daily, to watch it happen. And that, my friend, would be a greater tragedy.

You are loved by me, a complete stranger. I wish you the absolute best and pray that you'll consider what I've written. Please be good to yourself and fight the good fight. God be with you always.

A. J. S.
Chicago, Illinois

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jenn
Guardian

Reged: 09/14/05
Posts: 325
Re: Positive living? Better off Dead?? new
      #161747 - 10/12/05 11:08 PM

AJS - You are the most beautiful person (your writing,) I am honored to have read your words.

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BrokenWingedBird
Expert

Reged: 11/30/04
Posts: 113
Loc: United Kingdom.
Re: Positive living? Better off Dead?? new
      #161756 - 10/13/05 08:36 AM

Yes, Jenn, you're right A.J.S. has written exceedingly well here. It has been a pleasure and a boost for me to read his reply to the poster too. We really DO need this "soul-food", or "heart-food", from each other, don't we. It SO helps to read others' words and KNOW we are not alone in this extraordinary condition called "Living with HIV".


--------------------
Without a dream, life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly. Keep hold of your dreams.

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John F
Unregistered

Re: Positive living? Better off Dead?? new
      #161765 - 10/13/05 09:44 AM

AJS -- You told a great deal of my story. I too was diagnosed in 1996. I was a mere 18 months sober from drugs and alcohol at the time, and thought that my life was over.

It had just begun.

I hope that the writer of the orginial post will read these and realize that there is a power greater than HIV/AIDS and that is LOVE. It sounds trite and cliche, but it is true. The first step is self love, and we see that in the world around us, if we look for it in ourselves.

We don't see the world as it is, but we see the world as we are inside. If we see Love, it is because we are giving love.

Whatever we want in our lives, we have to give that to get it.
Whatever we want to see in our lives, we have to be that to see it.

I am blessed with great health despite "having" three "fatal" diseases -- HIV, diabetes, and alcoholism.

However, I refuse to acknowledge that they have any power over me. Dare I say the word?? God is the source of my good. God only sees me as healthy, and that is how I chose to see myself. God only sees me as whole, and that is how I chose to see myself.

I hope the writer of Positive living? Realizes that I am not someone who is positive with HIV, instead I (and he/she) is someone who is Living Positively!! That attitude is truely living, no matter what.

God bless, good luck. Reply to me personally at janthony10@yahoo.com if you want to.

John F.

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T-J
Unregistered

Re: Positive living? Better off Dead?? new
      #161774 - 10/13/05 11:01 AM

Well, like Louis, in Anne Rice's Vampire series, you could just give up and die. But I hope not. I've been Pos for 20 yrs. now. I can't recall the # of pill regimes I've had. And pills are EASY!! Now I've added Fuzeon. Try shooting yourself with a needle twice a day.

Like others said, try a different doc. Volunteer. Life is always worth living. Even at it's craziest. And trust me, as a gay man working in an ASO, I know crazy. Hang in there.

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Kathryn RC
Unregistered

Re: Positive living? Better off Dead?? new
      #161789 - 10/13/05 03:00 PM

Though I know the feeling, I have found my ways to get past it. Do you have a couple of good friends? Can you engage in any activities (even with help)? Is there anything that has interested you that you have been unable to follow up on because of work, etc? Now might be a good time to slowly pick it up. I recommend reading, 'Louise Hay's' books for one. They offer direction, especially "You Can Heal Your Life". There are others. You have your imagination, (a powerful tool), and there is plenty of time for 'dead'. I don't know your circumstances, or anything, but I will be thinking of you in a positive, healing way. Kathryn C

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A. J. S.
Unregistered

Re: Positive living? Better off Dead?? new
      #161816 - 10/13/05 07:20 PM

Thank-you, Jenn, for your kind response. I feel honored. It's my hope that the poster will read all of the replies of encouragement he/she has received and realize how much others do care.

A. J. S.

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