Advertisement
The Body: The Complete HIV/AIDS Resource
Follow Us Follow Us on Facebook Follow Us on Twitter Download Our App
Professionals >> Visit The Body PROThe Body en Espanol
Read Now: TheBodyPRO.com Covers AIDS 2014

HIV Life >> Living With HIV

Pages: 1
debtex
Legend

Reged: 03/21/05
Posts: 846
Telling the IN-LAWS
      #147614 - 05/17/05 04:07 PM

Hi All,
I'm a regular around here, but find myself really needing help. I've missed touching base with my poz support groups, due to job, kids, and just day to day going by so fast....so I'm glad I have my family here, so thanks to all.
My question (and I'm findiing it tough to avoid these days)..is.
My husbands family does not know about my status. When we firsted decided not to tell them, it was because I didn't want his mother to worry (being a mother myself, and knowing what it did to my mother), and she knows I work w/ people w/ hiv. But as years went by, I've learned how much she didn't know about hiv. How she thought she could get it by touching some "mess" (maybe spit) at a store, (she really freaked, but only afraid of hiv). She used to be a nurse, okay, but back in the early 80s (and you know what that means), it wasn't known how it was contracted, and people basically found out because they were dying. But now, I am tired of being in the dark about hiv. My husband and I have had a baby (healthy). I've never been ashamed of my hiv status, nor do I want to act like I am. Another reason I've started to keep it a secret was because of my son, who was less than 10 years old, and I didn't want people (his friends, or their families for that matter) to be afraid of him, or tease him. But when the time was right, I finally told him what the "germ" was called that his mommy had. He compltely understood, and isn't ashamed in anyway. But also understands, its not something you go around telling people (unless HE chooses to). But he is not afraid of how people will treat him. My 13 year old knows more than my 50 yr old mother in law.
Part of me wants to say something about my status, because i know she would NOT want me in her life if she knew (part of me also thinks thats a relief, lol), and how can I call her my family if she is not willing to accept me for who and what I am. But then I feel like, I should leave well enough alone and not saying anything still (mind you, my husband and I are going on 10 yrs almost). I've tried talking to her about hiv, but it seems that every time we get into the education part of it, she completely drops the subject!!
Even when my baby was born (who, mind you is a product of his hiv infected mother), I was taking him to visit some co-workers. She said to me "well, your not giong to bring him around the patients, are you?" I was SO mad, WHY would I not allow my son to be near someone with hiv. I told her, "it depends on the patient, if it is someone I know, then of course they will see the baby". I'm sure she didn't like that, but didn't say anything because it is not her business. But I'm sure she had plenty to say behind my back!! (I Know her).
I also know (becuase of her other grandchild)....if she knew about my status, (and this part would really crack me up) she would try to take me for custody (becuase to her...I am going to die anyway).
Maybe I should leave well enough alone, but I'm tired of "pretending" this is NOT part of my life. I always make it a point to tell his family know how important hiv is to me...but they think its just because it is my work!! Its not my work...it is my LIFE. for the first 7 yrs of my diagnosis...I've always been open about it...because I knew to myself....if you were going to walk out of my life because of that...you really have no business being part of it!! and now that all this time has passed getting to know her....I've discovered...she is one of those people, who would not have me in their lives, so how can she be my family. Any advise would be appreciated!! Thanks alot guys....love you all!!
Oh, and keep in mind.....if she did find out---she would have the family tested (her, her husband, 12 yr old son..who comes and hangs w/ my son and her daughter) for the next 10 yrs, becuase I've used the toilet, silverware, and dishes with them.
How dare me put them at risk and not tell them!!! And she would also believe that hiv would live in her house forever..thanks to me!!
Appreciate all your help guys... you are all great.
Love and prayers,
Deb

Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Monchhichi
Guru

Reged: 02/07/05
Posts: 248
Loc: Florida
Re: Telling the IN-LAWS new
      #147716 - 05/17/05 11:24 PM

God that is such a sticky situation, I feel for you. Have you discussed this with your husband about telling her now? I can see where you would want to tell her just for the "OH MY GOD" of it, because it is humorous in a way. Yet then do you really want her to make your life a living hell, which is what it sounds like she would do. It would be easier on your kids in general even if the 13 year old is aware. If she completely avoids talking about it then she probably wouldnt accept it. Your husband would be torn because of his mom riding hs back, etc. I know that probably wouldnt matter to him since he accepts you already. I guess what I am trying to say is if it is truly important that you tell her then do it! If it isnt I would avoid it at all costs because nobody would benefit especially her. She would probably go running up and down the streets screaming!!! LOL I wish you luck girl! Let me know how it goes.

--------------------
Never forget: Life is too precious to take for granted.


Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
debtex
Legend

Reged: 03/21/05
Posts: 846
Re: Telling the IN-LAWS new
      #147791 - 05/18/05 02:23 PM

You know....your right. Its the "oh my God" , ness of it why I want to tell her. It is probably best that I don't. I have talked to my husband about it (in the past), basically the "what if" she finds out. But then as time went on and I got to know her, I was more aware of what she didn't know....and thought it would be best if I didn't tell her. But its the part of it that eats me up.....that I have to keep this WALL because I know I would not be accepted anymore. and I worry about my kids future, what if something happened to me (& my husband)..I do not want my kids raised in a home like that. (although I'm glad I've had that talk w/ my husband and he agrees that the kids should go with my sister).
Your right....its the humor of it that I want her to know. it was people like her that I was always so open about my status, because I loved the SHOCK it gave them...people like her always expect they know what people with hiv look like. But I also know that when my baby is old enough to understand mommy has a germ (is how I explained it when my older son was 3), that lives in her blood. and it will not be something I expect he not say anything. Thanks for your help monch..
...I know what is right in the situation, but I'm just tired of living as though I am hiding or ashamed of this. thats how it is making me feel.
Love and prayers to you all.
Debbie

Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Monchhichi
Guru

Reged: 02/07/05
Posts: 248
Loc: Florida
Re: Telling the IN-LAWS new
      #147811 - 05/18/05 03:24 PM

Your welcome!!! BUT you are not living like you are ashamed of it. You have told the people closest to you who matter the most. Not discrediting your in law but she is not neccesarilly important in this equation. Make sure that you have a living will and all that hoopla just to make sure that your kids go where you want them to go on the just in case clause. I am sure that everything will be ok! Sometimes I love the look also that people get when they find out. My husband has been pos since 96 and even his closest friends dont know. (Which is something that he prefers) Its all your decision, your life, your "germ" :). (You know that is the same thing we told my neices and nephews who were always questioning all the medication. It makes me smile to know that someone else used the same thing!!!) Once again good luck and please let me know how you are doing.

--------------------
Never forget: Life is too precious to take for granted.


Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
desertkwr
Unregistered

Re: Telling the IN-LAWS new
      #151173 - 05/22/05 03:12 PM

Hi Deb, Your mail dates back to March so this situation may have resolved itself one way or the other. I have just one question, you did not seem to mention what your husband feels about telling his family, does he support your wanting to fess up to them or what? Ken

Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
debtex
Legend

Reged: 03/21/05
Posts: 846
Re: Telling the IN-LAWS new
      #151533 - 05/22/05 09:39 PM

Hey Ken, How are you? I registered in March...this post was just made last week, so unfortunately the situation still "lives on" as usual. My husband and I have been together 8 yrs, and of course, my husband does not want to cause any animosity between the families, but if I am ready for them to know, he has already said he would of course support me, and do his best to help educate them that things are safe. I've mentioned to her today that the baby & I are doing the AIDS walk, she thinks its a great idea (she says) and will support us in the walk, but she thinks its a part of my life only by where I work and in trying to help my patients. (which of course it is true....but it is also very personal to me).

I know I'm really up in the air about telling her, but as more time goes by....this is something I feel as though I am tired of hiding and am ready to get back into being loud and being proud, and trying to help either prevent spreading it, but also to prevent the whole "fear" stigma from others.

Love and prayers to all !!
Debbie

Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Telling the IN-LAWS new
      #152152 - 05/24/05 02:08 PM

Hello
Not all familys are the same but as for mine its great. I am married to a wonderfull wife of 8 years now. I was diog. 9-11-01 andwife in negitive. All my family and wifes family and our friends all know about my having AIDS. yes i got a couple that dont want anything more to do with us and its on my wifes side of family this has caused my wife and her brother not to talk anymore. But as we say life goes on and i live mine happly. I figured i would tell the people around me about my status and this i find a way to find who truley is family and friends. If they dont accecpt it, than they dont To those that dont i tell them i pray for there kids and grand kids not to get infected because you turn on me what will you do to them. then i wish them best luck with sociaty because you never know who has it, but you can always learn about it. Then i give them a pamplet about HIV/AIDS and them i calmely leave. Most every one that didnt accecpt it at first after doing this they usualy called me within a week to talk and most had questions that i happly answered for them. as for our kids and there friends i hide nothing in my house, so there are pamplets and bookslets around my house on tables. when one of there new friends ask about the books i am stright forward with them, Yes i am living with AIDS and when ever you have a test in school about STD'S i have everything here you need to pass the test with. And they to usualy have questions. With all the honesty we have here we are a happy family with many friends.

Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Telling the IN-LAWS new
      #152654 - 05/24/05 09:41 PM

Hello,

I understand your side of it, but maybe you might want to give her a little benefit of the doubt. It is very hard for someone who does not have hiv understand everything about it even if if someone explains it to them. For those who do not have hiv, they do not live with it nor hear about it. It is hidden in the world, and there are no ads etc. on tv about what is okay and isn't regarding transmission. She might just only know that it is blood and sexual fluids. So, maybe she thinks blood just from little cuts and stuff are risky. How would she know? It is a very scary invisible disease to people who do not have it and no one is doing a good job in educating the general public. So i don't think it is fair that you want to tell her with your disease because she does not understand it well.....

Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
DADIVINE
Unregistered

Re: Telling the IN-LAWS new
      #156379 - 06/22/05 03:15 AM

I WOULD TELL, SOME WILL TAKE IT EMOTIONAL FOR A MINUTE, BUT PEOPLE FEEL LIED TO IF U WAIT TO TELL THEM
I WOULD RATHER KNOW SOMEONE DOES NOT WANT TO BE
AROUND ME, THAT I CAN UNDERSTAND, BUT I FEEL ANY ONE AROUND YOU U CARE ABOUT HAS THE RIGTH TO KNOW
TALK TO HER FIRST AND TEACH HER ABOUT HIV/AIDS
INLIGHTEN HER, AND IF SHE LISTENS, AND U THINK SHE MAY UNDERSTAND, THAN TELL HER. IF NOT LEAVE IT ALONE YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO EXPECT HER TO UNDERSTAND. JUST BE CAREFUL WHAT U DO AROUND HER
SO WHEN SHE GOES OVER EVERYTHING DONE AROUND U
THERE WILL BE NOTHING FOR HER TO WORRY ABOUT.
IT FEELS GOOD NOT TO FEEL ASHAMED. YOU DONT HAVE TO TELL EVERYONE. BUT THE MORE U TELL THE EASIER IT GETS. AND U START FEELING LESS AND LESS SORRY FOR YOURSELF, THE PILLS WILL BE THE ONLY THING TO REMIND YOU THAT U HAVE IT. YOU SURVIVED AND R LIVING THIS
U SOUND STRONG. THERE IS NO REASON TO FEEL BAD
ALONE, CONFUSED, DEPRESSED JUST FIX RIGHT BACK IN.
A HAPPY SURVIVOR

Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Pages: 1


What's New at TheBody.com

Additional Information
0 registered and 1 anonymous users are browsing this forum.

Moderator:  TheBody, bogart, crabman, riverprincess 

Permissions
      You cannot start new topics
      You cannot reply to topics
      HTML is enabled
      UBBCode is enabled

Thread views: 3209

 
Jump to

Contact Us | Privacy Statement The Body

*
UBB.threads™ 6.2.3