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Denial, is it common for PWA'S?
#138931 - 03/17/05 06:22 PM
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Please help me to understand how is it possible to be in denial about HIV, going off meds and allowing oneself to have unprotected sex, marriage, and get so ill. I'm staying in the marriage, because it is the right thing to do, because I love... I love him. I believe him that after the 86 diagnosis, drugging and drinking that after no symtom of illness for almost 20 years he got in denial that he would never get sick. Help me to understand, because I don't like this intense pain. So many people say leave him, leave him. I am not going to do that. Oh, I'm negative after 5 years of hot, hot, hot sex. It's a God deal, this I know and believe. I may have some weird beliefs for an ex-alcholic, dope fiend, but I think God put us together for a higher purpose. The lady at the Aids clinic said honey, he doesn't love you, he's just using you. She never met him, how can she judge? Maybe, because her husband gave it to her and kept on getting high. Who knows. Anyway, hope i'm not upsetting anyone, but I need suggestions, not judgments, just suggestions.
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Denial is defintiely common for people with HIV....but I don't think absolute selfishness and inconsiderateness is....or men not caring about the consequences of their actions. Most people with HIV do not have unprotected sex with people they care about.
It's your right to love a guy who is so inconsiderate...who cares so little for your life that he would basically put you at risk all these years...But he displays a deep level of immaturity and selfishness. He has been astonishingly fortunate to have HIV this long and NOT get sick. He has astonishing genes and he's lucky that even after basically exposing you over all these years he didn't manage to infect you.
So there's lots of fortune here. Will he go to a doctor now? Will he treat you with care and attention now? Will you still have unprotected sex with him? These are open questions. Maybe he does "love" you. But it is YOU who are in denial about what his actions signified about his charachter and his caring for you...drugs and drinking are just an excuse. There is right and there is wrong. And to have hot unprotected sex with someone you supposedly care about when you have a life-threateing disease that is passed through sex demonstrates his depth of selfishness. Not a lot of people would be so forgiving of him as you. It's one thing to deny yourself the care you deserve and be suicidal and not take care of yourself. But when you begin involving others, you cross a very particular line.
If you did the same thing to him, I would bet that he would not be so forgiving. You deserve to be angry! He's a grown man, not a 9 year old.
I hope he sees a doctor and gets to know his viral load and his CD4 count. His amazing luck may not last forever.
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Yes, it is almost unforgivable isn't it? And I may not stay forever, but for now, while he's so ill I am making that choice. Just taking it a day at a time. I know he has some problems, alot of them. I was told that when he was a child he was in a special education class and although it is not obvious when you are around him, because he is able to function on alot of levels, but it shows up. If he was extremely bright I'd probably kill him so he's lucky or is he blessed. Yes, after allowing himself to progress to full blown AIDS, I made him go get help. But he's down to a very low weight and I'm not certain he's going to live. I feel pretty sure that if I threw him out on his ass, unable to work, sick, vomiting, that it would really affect his immune system. If you heard him crying when I'm jumping his ass and telling him how pissed I was, you'd have more empathy. Don't you think God has blessed me to keep me safe? Why run away now, isn't it really his job to judge? Is the reason why people, especially diagnosed in the 80's as was my husband, when it was a death sentence kept it a secret and lived double live's? Do you imagine that if people would quit running away from people with HIV/or AIDS maybe the secretiveness might not be so all encompassing?
These are all philosophical questions, of course, but the only way to change the world, is one person at a time. I understand there are other considerations, myself, my health, my person, that what he did is immoral almost evil.
The questions are: will he lie again? What else has he been lying about? Is he evil? Was he really that dumb to believe that he'd never get sick and couldn't transmit it? What is in this for me? What part did I play in this? Am I really that stupid, dumb, crazy, unlovable? Is this raging co-dependency? What would I do if I were in his shoes? If I was desperate?
Alot of unaswered questions. That's why I put it out there for the audience. So far everyone says leave. He is a dog. Are there any more perspectives on the subject or is that it. I'm open to suggestions.
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IzPoZ
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Guardian
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Reged: 01/24/05
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Posts: 398
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Loc: FTL, Florida
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Personally, I wouldn't have unprotected sex, because I care what will happen to my life. Don't give your life to appease the man you love.
I understand he's very sick right now, and from how it sounds, it was his choice to get this sick. He chose not to take care of himself, take the meds, etc. It was his choice.
However, on a slightly different note, has he considered checking with the doctor to find out what's causing his weight loss, vomiting, sick feeling? These symptoms sound all too familiar to how my husband has been, he was diagnosed with renal failure. Please, if he cares about living, if you care about him, ask the doctor to check that out.
You have made up your mind, and seem to want to stay with him, even for his lack of regard for your health. So, you need to have the ultimate strength to help support him in his time of need.
Your questions:
-Will he lie again? You can almost count on it.
-What else has he been lying about? You never know... do you really trust him?
-Was he really that dumb to believe that he'd never get sick and couldn't transmit it? Well, look at the position he's in now, and ask again.
-What is in this for me? Are you with him to ease some kind of guilt you have?
-What part did I play in this? What do you mean by this? You are his caregiver, supporter... you did not support his lack of acceptance.
-Am I really that stupid, dumb, crazy, unlovable? Sounds to me like you are a sensible person. You want to see the good in people, trust unconditionally. But he's still taking advantage of your goodwill, and putting you at risk every time he has unprotected sex with you.
-Is this raging co-dependency? I'm no expert to answer that.
-What would I do if I were in his shoes? If I was desperate? These are questions YOU need to answer.
--------------------
The reason angels can fly is that they take themselves so lightly. ~ Chesterton G. K.
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ang89
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Reged: 12/24/04
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Posts: 31
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I can't judge or say anything because your right thats for god to decide. I do want to say though If you have tested negative please be careful and use condoms every time. If he dies you don't want to go through hiv alone do you? Protect yourself you deserve that.
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OH yes we will use condoms, no dought about that. Thank you for your concern. I don't want to go through it alone.
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