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Jessie
Guardian

Reged: 06/15/04
Posts: 395
FAIRYTALES DID NOT COME TRUE!!!!!!!!!
      #137306 - 03/07/05 12:27 PM

Hello All that are reading this post....I have been around since last year as many of you may already know..I have come with so many different emotions and at times I look back and read the posts and wonder"was that really me writing and communicating with you all?"

I feel like the last year has been a nightmare and I keep waking each day and hoping that my life will be what it used to be before i contracted this virus. But each day I awake and it is the same outcome. I had, as many others do and did, such plans for my life and my life with my now husband.

Much of the plans were fairytale based and I guess right now I am going through the dark valley of the souls....I want to know so badly what happened to my dreams? where have they gone? what has happened to me? why have I changed so much over the last year because of a disease?

I have always considered myself a strong willed person BUT this virus is BREAKING me down. It is ruining my marriage, has stolen my dreams, hurt my loved ones and friends that know and completely altered everything that I have worked so hard for in my life and worked towards having.

I just needed to vent cause I feel like I am dying inside...little by little my soul is being eaten up and my heart is broken, which I wonder if I will ever get back my feelings of "being normal/feeling normal" again?????

I try to find my purpose now, I search, read books, inspiration, talk with friends, see my counselors and I still cant figure out why I was chosen to live a life this way...why are all of us chosen? why can some have everything and some have nothing? Have everything taken from them their whole lives? I am not sure when I awake in the morning if I should thank God anymore for living through the night?

I just dont know what I want with my life like this...no need to reply...just wanted to express some feelings...thanks for listening as always... to the good and the bad! Much love to my survivors and friends who are living with this each day! It is hard...very hard! Love ~Jessie~

HIV+ since 2-3-04
"God never promised that life would be easy, but he did promise to go each step of the way with you".

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PozitivelyFit
Regular

Reged: 11/11/04
Posts: 27
Loc: New York City
Re: FAIRYTALES DID NOT COME TRUE!!!!!!!!!
      #137331 - 03/08/05 12:48 AM

Dearest Jessie,
I know you say you wanted to vent and didn't necessarily wish to have any responses to your post. I would really like to let you know what feelings your post brought up, though. Most of all, I really hope I could somewhat cheer you up and help you feel like you're not alone. Anyhow, I'm not sure if you remember or not, but in the past 2-3 months I joined this board, with a post, stating my anger about feeling how HIV had control over me. I shared the fact that I lived a dangerous, frightening and traumatic childhood by surviving my father's severe physical abuse. I was angry because after getting away from him, at the age of 18, I was purposely infected by someone I met later on, who I thought truly loved me. Well, that left me feeling like after getting away from my dad, the virus then picked up where he left off to continue to torment and agonize me. You responded to that post with many words of encouragement. I don't work right now (because of SSI / SSDI insurance) but I am a competing bodybuilder. Believe it or not, my ultimate dream is to become a pastry chef, creating sugar free, low-carb, healthy pastries....Going to be the world's first inshape pastry chef, LOL. In all seriousness, though, please don't let this virus steal your heart, dreams and soul. From your posts and from what a lot of us here feel, we love you and think you are a wonderful person. Do you know how much your words of encouragement helped me? You've opened up and shared your feelings and brought so much hope to those of us that have been sick or depressed. However, you deserve to be the one getting support now. Right now, it needs to be all about YOU. You're a great person, but you also have to take time out for yourself and if you ever need someone to talk to, I am here. I'm fortunate in the fact that I now have a loving, caring partner and he accepts me, even though he is HIV negative...but you need to know that if someone really loves you, then they are willing to go through EVERYTHING with you and not let anything ruin your marriage. That's the purpose of love....not just the happiness, but the having someone there when you are angry, sad, depressed and you just want to yell out your rage about the frustration that this condition brings. In my heart, I truly feel where you are coming from. It gets to where you feel you can deal with HIV....but then, after so long, it becomes too much of a burden because you just want it to get off your back and leave you alone. I understand that very much. There is a reason why God wants you here, its just that we, being humans, don't understand his plan for us. Sure, I get very angry with God sometimes and wonder why after being abused, I would then have to deal with HIV. You have every right to be just as angry too! Let yourself feel what you need to but please try not to do it alone. Think about what makes you happy, whether it's a certain career, hobby or activity that brings you joy. Then think about how you feel HIV is stopping that. After that, fight it back by REFUSING to let it stop you. It's very hard to do, but it makes you feel like you're not going to let a virus take away your dignity. You are a very special and loving person who does a lot for those of us on here, as well as others, I'm sure. Now it's time for people to start doing things for you. As I said, I'm here if you ever want to talk or send me an email. I really wish I could be there to give you a hug and make you smile and realize you are not alone. Please take care of yourself and until then, you will be both in my thoughts and prayers.
Always,
Marco Antonio

--------------------
Someday, I will be the most powerful Jedi ever!!!

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BrokenWingedBird
Expert

Reged: 11/30/04
Posts: 113
Loc: United Kingdom.
but fairy tales really CAN come true . . . STILL!
      #137339 - 03/08/05 08:37 AM

Hi Jessie,

I agree with a lot that Marco is saying to you.

Your replies to me some months back on these bulletin boards were a great comfort. Now, as is often the case, I see that somebody who has been so helpful to others certainly has down moments too. Of course, you do. We all do.

All of us with HIV have to be super-people. There's no choice. You know all those psycho-babble books out there that help you be stronger, more assertive, have more personal power etc.? Well, everybody on earth can benefit from them, but WE HIV+ people actually DEPEND on the principles inherent in that stuff. Having HIV demands one hell of a lot of mind-management, control of your self, control of your life. We have to be extremely strong, extremely resourceful. I pity anybody who is HIV+ and who has always been a weak personality: all of a sudden they have one HELL of a lot of strength to get together, to go through the rest of their lives with this wretched virus. But from what I have seen of your many posts, you are not such a person, you have a lot of "power of positive thinking".

Right, now, though, you have had a dip. No problem. We all do. Sometimes we can't control it. It doesn't matter how mentally strong you try to be, if suddenly your HAART treatment works against you, you are going to be depressed (though I realise you haven't even started HAART yet). This is entirely natural.

I think one of the most helpful things available to me in the world right now are these bulletin boards and "The Body's" weekly email bulletins. I have learnt so much from the experts and other HIV+ people and it is all so empowering.

Unlike Marco and many others, I don't believe in God. I think not believing in God actually helps. I see myself as being no more than like a plant out in the garden. This plant has been healthy since birth - maybe just a touch of leaf-curl or blight in the odd year! But all of a sudden this plant has been badly infected. Well, the gardeners are spraying me with powerful fungicides and I've recovered and I am hanging on pretty well. They are going to have to keep a close eye on me until I come to the end of my natural life, but with their help I will enjoy many a sunny Spring morning for many more years. One day I will die, like all plants die. And there will be new plants. Didn't Mozart know he was going to die? Didn't Rembrandt know that his life would come to an end? It didn't stop them dreaming, and creating, and dreaming.

In a way, I am glad I have had to think about death much much earlier than most people. I have used this. I have changed job, changed location, changed house. I have GONE for the DREAM! I now live in a place that I spent all my HIV- life just dreaming of, just HOPING that one day it would come to me. Well, now, because of the HIV+ status and the unknown number of years left, I have made the dream a reality. There was a real possibility that if I had not become HIV+ the reality that I now enjoy would have just remained a dream ALL MY LIFE. I would NEVER have got where I am now.

I share all this with you so that you will see that although I AM a "broken winged bird", like you, and like all of us HIV+ people, there is STILL SO MUCH that can be dreamt of and achieved. Just think of the tortoise and the hare! Now, more than ever, we need to prioritise our lives, and bit by bit, slowly and surely, achieve our dreams.

Good luck, Jessie, and thanks for being honest and open and REAL!

Love.


--------------------
Without a dream, life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly. Keep hold of your dreams.

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PozitivelyFit
Regular

Reged: 11/11/04
Posts: 27
Loc: New York City
Re: but fairy tales really CAN come true . . . STILL!
      #137348 - 03/08/05 12:39 PM

Your words of compassion and help are such an inspiration, BrokenWingedBird. Even I got a lot out of what you said. I hope our posts can help Jessie and assure her that we're here for her and she is not alone.
Always,
Marco Antonio

--------------------
Someday, I will be the most powerful Jedi ever!!!

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Jessie
Guardian

Reged: 06/15/04
Posts: 395
Re: but fairy tales really CAN come true . . . STILL! new
      #137358 - 03/08/05 10:23 PM

ahhhhhhh, my faithful friends ...broken and poz...I know I can always count on the two of you to help pull my head aboe the covers and see the truth in everything!!! You are both so good to me and very kind as well with the things you say about me...your kind words are so touching that I was crying as i read your replies and wondered "dop I really deserve to have these wonderful people in my life"? I am very lucky and I realized that today when I read your posts.....you are both just WONDERFUL and YES you both have helped me a great deal......

I am feeling sorry for myself"poor pity days" and I do need to "snap out of it"!!!!!!!thank you both for opening my eyes and making me face this head on once again...I know this will not be the last time I am on the edge BUT I am sure grateful for the help, advise, ecouragement, care, concern, love and overall consideration to my feelings even know they were not so POSITIVE in this latest post....

I want to live, be hopeful and find my dreams again...and I will!!!Just may take me a bit more time...thanks for your patience and friendship and most of all the time you both took to understand and accept my feelings with open arms...Love ya both......with all my heart.....~Jessie~ =)

HIV+ since 2-3-04
"While there is breath, there is hope"
God did not promise that life would be easy but he did promise to go with you every step of the way".

P.S.- Hey Broken....I am a plant, with my leaves falling and I am sprouting new ones bigger and better everyday!!! =)

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DHR
Unregistered

Re: but fairy tales really CAN come true . . . STILL!
      #137374 - 03/09/05 05:50 PM

Hi Jessie,
I have been HIV+ for 10 years and I know how you are feeling. When I got my diagnosis I figured I would have a couple of years to live and then, like the friends I had witnessed early on in the pandemic, I would be gone.
Well, here I am 10 years later and still going strong. I have been lucky, very lucky to have access to the drugs I need to survive.
The meds have been all kinds of rollercoaster rides, and some which were just hell to endure.
Anyway, that was just to give you a little background.
I know how you feel when you say you are depressed and feel like you have lost your dreams. I experienced those similar feelings.
I was lucky enough to find my way to a place called "Friends Indeed" in here in NYC.
One of the many things I have learned when dealing with a disease that is life threatening is that when we find ourselves depressed and down, if we can take a step back, maybe its only a small step, but take it anyway. Then think about the very moment you are in. Not tomorrow, not yesterday, but this very moment.
Think about where you are in the moment. Just contemplate it and try to stay where you are in the moment. Most often times we will find that where we are in any given moment is okay. Yes, we still have a disease, but in the moment we are actually okay. It doesn't mean there are no challenges to be faced or that there will be no hills to climb or valleys to rise out of, but something magical happens when we get in touch with the moment.
Staying in the moment, seeing things from any of the myriad ways we have available to us to look at any given situation allows us to really experience our lives much more fully.
What happens when we have stayed in the moment, we suddenly realize that time has passed and those moments have accumulated and created a different perspective for us.

I am not a professional and so my words may not be as clear as some that I have learned these concepts from, but I hope there is something you can take from them and build on.
I hope it helps to know there are others out there who have and are experiencing some of the same kinds of feelings.

Stay strong.



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Foster
Regular

Reged: 11/06/04
Posts: 43
Loc: Denver, CO
Re: but fairy tales really CAN come true . . . STI
      #137375 - 03/09/05 06:00 PM

Jessie

I have been feeling down, sad, etc lately myself. As I have been told we will be alright. I wrote an essay for my english class about what led up to me becoming poz, what it felt like when I found out and how it has changed how I do things. Jessie we all have a purpose.

Foster
Dx 10-18-04, Infected June 04
God is with us always


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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: FAIRYTALES DID NOT COME TRUE!!!!!!!!!
      #137377 - 03/09/05 06:39 PM

you can't choose WHAT will affect you, but you can choose HOW it will affect you. it's mind over matter: if you don't mind, then it doesn't matter. if your condition has that kind of power over you, it's because you let it. success and happiness is all about a POSITIVE MENTAL ATTITUDE. there are many people with far worse lots in life who are still able to lead lives that are worthwhile and rewarding.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: but fairy tales really CAN come true . . . STILL!
      #137379 - 03/09/05 07:13 PM

I have lived with HIV for over 22 years now and I agree that everything that I onced dreamed and had is now gone. Friends, personal finances, my home, all are gone now. But I have also received just as many positives as negatives. I have witnessed such love, such strength, such courage from people of all ages and all backgrounds that I would never had seen. Living with HIV is hard, very hard. Living with people's attitudes about HIV is hard, very hard. However life is always a hard road. Some may not have reached their bumps in it but all will sooner or later. May I suggest forgiveness. Forgive everyone and everything that has put roadblocks up in your path. Perhapes then you can find some wonderful needed peace in admist the storm.

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Jessie
Guardian

Reged: 06/15/04
Posts: 395
Re:I HAVE BEEN CONVINCED!!!!!!!!!THANKS TO ALL =)
      #137382 - 03/09/05 10:39 PM

I just cannot tell you in words what it feels like to know that their are so many of you out there in the same/similiar situation as I and are still willing to help me fight this battle...not alone BUT with you all...

Giving all your knowledge and allowing me to soak it in like a sponge has been a breath taking experience...I thank you all truly from the bottom of my heart and I will be forever grateful for all of your support!!!!

Yes, things are tough, yes I am miserable right now and yes I have this disease BUT I can see that through all of you there is still my "HOPE" that I cling on to each day, that shinning light in my eyes that says"I want to be someone.., I want to live..., I want to be happy" and because of all of you and your help, sympathy and "get up off your !@*" I will be ok......=)....You are all such GREAT people with strength that I cannot even compare myself with...I am lucky to have you on my side...rooting for me and helping to make all my wishes and dreams a reality as well as helpuing me through the tough times or when I make my mistakes.... Much thanks and Love...~Jessie~

HIV+ since 2-3-04
"While thereis breath, there is hope".
"God did not promoise that life would be easy but he did promise to go with you every step of the way ".



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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re:I HAVE BEEN CONVINCED!!!!!!!!!THANKS TO ALL =) new
      #137389 - 03/10/05 01:53 AM

Keep your heads high my friends. I am 28 hispanic male living in San Diego. I found out in Jul 03, never used drugs, just misplaced my trust, and to top it off Unemployed at the time. At first there is FEAR, denial, anger, and the worst SELF-PITY. Some people never pull out of it, and let there dreams only be dreams.

My family has been a great support. I am the oldest of three.
Three months after I found out and told my immediate family, my youngest brother told me, "You are still our brother no matter what you have, what you are, what you have done.
and remember, You are still 'YOU'."

and POOF, it made realize I can still talk, walk, run, sprint, think, laugh, just like anyone else. We are all going in the same direction. Whether you are a religious person or not, there is not denying we are ALL aging. Some get there quicker than others, or suddenly. It is just a matter of what you do with your time. What am I doing today to pursue my dreams? What will I be doing tomorrow to pursue my dreams? Do I have time to self-pity?

Being infected does not change the fact, that one has to fight to get a good job, negotiate a salary(fight like you are never going to get a raise), that one has to exercize hard to be fit, save money to buy a nice car / home. The struggles in life are the same, it is whether one chooses to take them on and elimate them one by one.

I do come from a religous background. I strongly believe God will clean the planet, and make it a paradise to live in. Yes, live in paradise. Why do you think we all have the longing deep, deep feeling inside of each one of us, to live forever. Until then, I have faith in God that if things do not get cleaned up in my lifetime, he will bring us back and let us enjoy everything in perfect conditions.

2-months after I received my diagnosis, I started to work again. At 8-months I bought my first condominium, in San Diego. And now, at 20-months, renting out the condo, and buying a second home(townhome). I am going all out, I am pursuing what I want. I take very good care of my health because I do not have time to be sick or to die, I have too many goals to accomplish. If I fall, I just pick myself back up, and keep fighting and pushing.

My friends, your dreams are what you want them to be.
Only a dream? A dream is all it will ever be.




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Jimbo
Unregistered

Re: FAIRYTALES DID NOT COME TRUE!!!!!!!!! new
      #137402 - 03/10/05 11:24 AM

Jessie I don't know just what to say-----I feel for you and understand your feelings. Before this hit me I had dreams of family, sons and daughters to see grow up. now I am just glad to be healthy. My family ,brothers and sisters have all supported me and gave me strength not to give up. I miss dateing and other things that I did ,but I am alive and so far healthy. I haven't given up hope of someday finding someone to share my life with. You have hope and in this life sometimes that is all we have. I have lost friends or people I thought were friends---But don't give up Jessie. No one said life was going to be fair. We can only live it the way it turns. JIM

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Elaine A.
Unregistered

Re: FAIRYTALES DID NOT COME TRUE!!!!!!!!! new
      #137403 - 03/10/05 11:24 AM

I've been HIV+ since August 2004. I felt like you did at the beginning of my diagnosis. Soon after, I started to pick myself up and kept a positive attitude, I think positive even when things aren't going well. It could be worse. We have life. Let's make the best of it. Thank God for each day. He truly knows our journey is burdened but let's think of the others who have heavier burdens. I am thankful, this disease has made me a stronger person. It has been an eye opener.
Hugs to all the positive people. You aren't alone!

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: FAIRYTALES DID NOT COME TRUE!!!!!!!!! new
      #137405 - 03/10/05 11:40 AM

Jessie
You take the words right out of my head, and the respnce you get via this forum is buck up and God is working here, bull shit. I am so tired of cheer leaders and the my life is so much BETTER, or you fill in the blank, since HIV. Every body wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die. Well what about us that want to and are ready to just give it up where are our advocates or support.
Later
W.

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Karin
Unregistered

Re: FAIRYTALES DID NOT COME TRUE!!!!!!!!!
      #137540 - 03/10/05 09:00 PM

Hey Jessie; Been pos since about 1987; actually danced with the devil a couple of times and it is simply amazing that I am here today. My dreams also had been shattered along with my body (only 10 CD4's when diagnosed), my mind, and my self-esteem. Don't know how sick you were when diagnosed and it really doesn't matter, what matters is that dreams are as infinite as your imagination and nobody told you you weren't allowed to dream. Go nuts, you only live once. Some of us have the misfortune of living with HIV but it beats terminal cancer and a myriad of other fatal dieseases. If you are walking through that dark valley, rest assured there is a pathway out, you are on it. My shattered life is looking pretty good these days, my health is good , I feel good and I am in a new rewarding relationship. Harness the power within you and start jogging!
Karin

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