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Jessie
Guardian

Reged: 06/15/04
Posts: 395
WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THE NEG PEOPLE WHO CARE FOR +
      #134620 - 02/17/05 11:24 PM

I wanted to share with everyone something I recently went through to see if I get any feedback from some of the regulars on this board...I recently went to visit a friend who is + and her husband is -....they have a beautiful friendship as well as a marriage BUT the downside is she gets sicker each day and does develop some infections/problems and he gets nervous and scared for her and himself...I am sure the thought of loosing her is just to much to bare....

Depression is one of the things I wanted to bring up about this situation and I realized for the first time that while partners that are together both + and - have their good and bad days together...there is also the worry of the neg partner going into a depression...maybe due to pressure that they feel, maybe because they cant imagine their life without their best friend????

I was wondering what supports there are out there for these - people who are in these relationships and find it soooo hard to deal with lifes stresses of being with a + person...not because they are + but because their love for that person is deep, runs deeply and in turn becomes depressed and unsure about their own lives and the direction they should be going in?????

I know standard answers are counseling, marriage counseling...all these things already being done...even on meds for the depression...what would be the next step????

Just wondering from someone who cares about her friends??? Any advise is welcome...thanks...~Jessie~

HIV+ since 2-3-04
"While there is breath, there is hope".

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Monchhichi
Guru

Reged: 02/07/05
Posts: 248
Loc: Florida
Re: WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THE NEG PEOPLE WHO CARE FOR + new
      #134636 - 02/18/05 01:59 AM

I met my huband who is (+) in 1997, while I am (-). The only thing you can do is counseling. I had to learn how to cope with my stress while putting on a brave face for my husband. I am his cheerleader on the bad days and he is mine on the good days. Some days I need to be alone just to cry. It all depends on how a particular person handles it. I know I wouldnt trade it for the world. He is an angel that came into my life and changed it forever. I thank God everyday for the gift. Yes I have my days when I want to strangle him. Some days I think I even try to :). Then there are the good days, those are the ones I hold out for. I will tell you that I am on medication for anxiety attacks, depression and persistent heartburn. That is the stress I know, but sometimes you just cant stop it no matter how hard you try. Its an in your face battle that you either win or lose. I know I will work my ass off to win this one and damn anyone or anything that gets in my way. I have seen so many posts from discordant couples that I know I am not alone. That makes the battle so much easier. Sometimes you just need to talk to someone who is in the same situation as you or who understands it. I welcome anyone to email me or private message me. I dont know if I will be able to help but I will try, who knows maybe someone will help me.

--------------------
Never forget: Life is too precious to take for granted.


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stefsorg
Unregistered

loving the one your with new
      #134644 - 02/18/05 11:22 AM

Hello
My name is Stef. I met my husband in 1999, and found out i was poz after a case of the shingles in 2003. My husband loved me so much he married me in June 2003. I thought i was dying, done, six feet under and why the hell would he want to marry me. I know now. I have stuck by his side, i am a good person, strong, don't complain, don't have issues with depression which fuels this disease. I plan on being around for quite some time. It can work. Just because you have this you don't have to be sick all the time. I have many friend i have met in Ca who are poz and healthy after 10-15 yrs. What makes them so different, lifestyle choices. Chooses to be happy, not let depression take hold treat it immediantly, take their meds and when their too much talk about a switch, most still work which i believe is a sense of self worth if you can. You have to control your disease. Live your life. I haven't been sick in 2 yrs and i am not on meds. I take vitamins, work, go to school, eat right, love my family, and avoid depression. You never will know what God may bring you if you don't open your eyes.

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Jessie
Guardian

Reged: 06/15/04
Posts: 395
Re: WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THE NEG PEOPLE WHO CARE FOR + new
      #134645 - 02/18/05 11:52 AM

Thank yu to those who replied to my post...your informatikon and life experiences have helped a great deal and i will be talking with my friend and her husband about this and the replys...maybe your replys may just be the answers that they need and have been looking for...thanks again and God Bless!
~Jessie~

HIV+ since 2-3-04
"While there is breath, there is hope".

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RIVERLADY
All Star

Reged: 02/03/05
Posts: 88
Re: WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THE NEG PEOPLE WHO CARE FOR + new
      #134672 - 02/19/05 07:39 AM

Hey Jessie, The topic of your message is dealt with every day. I know couples such as your friends and am in a situation where I'm the one thats going to be needing to looked after even though my hubby is infected hes one of those long term suvivors,no meds. Your question is a topic all couples deal with . I live in an adult community where death of a spouse is a way of life . Death isn't a new thing just because of aids,there are many more devastating illnesses. And one of the spouses has to become the care giver. Even the mother of a little child that has lets say lukemia, or a senior with alhiemers or cancer. It's not an aids issue hon, its a life issue and for that person life goes on. Being grounded spiritually with Christ is what gets me through each day . Where there is many things we cannot control I put my trust in Him for I know He loves me even more than my hubby of 30 years. I hope this reply has given you a peace and comfort over your friends situation.If not then all I can say is seek Him with all of yor heart and He shall guide your path.Take care and prayers for you and yours........RIVER

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THE NEG PEOPLE WHO CARE FOR + new
      #134680 - 02/19/05 01:43 PM

it is terrible to see your partner beeing so sick, it may be true that it doesnt matter what kind of sickness your partner may have the partners will always feel lost as they cannot help the person they love. Only when your partner is+ you may not find people who you can talk to about your fears and worries and that makes things more difficult. So often I wished I would have a friend who would just hold me when I dont know anymore what to do. But in one way or another I manage uptill now.It would be good if there would be somewhere a forum for us.

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RIVERLADY
All Star

Reged: 02/03/05
Posts: 88
Re: WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THE NEG PEOPLE WHO CARE FOR + new
      #134683 - 02/19/05 04:11 PM

I think starting a site for the care takers is a wonderful idea, I don't believe I've seen on anywhere in this puter or at least not that I know of. Seems like the caretakers kinda get forgotten about and they REALLY shouldn't. Everyone is focasing on the ill person and I saw what my friend went through taking care of her man up till the time of his death. Sure she could talk to me but I really don't know what goes through a person thats neg. because I'm infected. Lets give it some serious thought and perhaps a chat could be started. Amessage page is good but sometimes you need to talk to some one at the very moment. I have a co-infection room in the Hep Palace but I can't do much monitoring. I'll see what can be done at this end and see what you can do at yours. and e-mail me so we could share our results flogeo@comcast.net.Till then take care....Riverlady

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Monchhichi
Guru

Reged: 02/07/05
Posts: 248
Loc: Florida
Re: WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THE NEG PEOPLE WHO CARE FOR + new
      #134689 - 02/19/05 04:34 PM

Yeah that does sound like a good idea I know there have got to be SO many peple in my situation that need the help. It is real hard for me though because my husband doesnt aprove of me talking about it. I have to actually reply when he isnt around. Funny, huh? I will try to keep up with this. Let me know if anything happens.

--------------------
Never forget: Life is too precious to take for granted.


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CHAYA
Unregistered

Re: WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THE NEG PEOPLE WHO CARE FOR + new
      #134714 - 02/20/05 04:02 AM

In aditional to what the brothers and the sisters mentioned, when we encounter a situation of this nature we always have to look in the manual book everyday. I strongly believe that the bible is the manual of life. It will solace you all the time when you read it.
I thank you all for the advise on how to boost my immune system. Lets keep this spirit of helping one another instead of waiting for the Dr's all the time to answer our Q's.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THE NEG PEOPLE WHO CARE FOR + new
      #134722 - 02/20/05 07:12 AM

I agree with Riverlady, it is important to get a site for the care takers. Uptill now I am always comunicating with + people. They really helped me, reading so much about their fears and feelings helped me to understand my partner much better. But I am scared to talked about my feelings as I may hurt the feelings from these great peolpe. I dont know how to go about it .You can email me on kabale246@aol.com

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Jessie
Guardian

Reged: 06/15/04
Posts: 395
Re: YOU ARE ALL THE BEST...THANK YOU...... new
      #134758 - 02/21/05 12:06 AM

i JUST WANTED TO SAY tHANK YOU ONCE AGAIN FOR ALL THE RESPONSES TO MY POST...i NEVER THOUGHT THAT i WOULD GET SO MANY RESPONSES IN SUCH A SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME...YOU ALL HAVE BEEN SUCH A WONDERFUL SUPPORT AND PILLAR OF STRENGHT FOR ME...i DONT KNOW WHAT i WOULD HAVE DONE WITHOUT THIS SITE AND WITHOUT ALL OF YOU TO BOUNCE OFF MY FEELINGS, ANXIETIES, THOUGHTS AND WISHES...YOU HAVE BEEN great LISTENERS AND wonderful SUPPORT...THANK YOU ALL FOR EVERYTHING YOU HAVE DONE TO HELP MAKE THIS DIFFICULT TRANSITTION IN MY LIFE AND FOR THOSE OTHERS IN NEED...YOU ARE ALL great pEOPLE WITH loving HEARTS...gOD BLESS AND MUCH LOVE.....~Jessie~

HIV+ since 2-3-04
"While there is breath, there is hope".

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Monchhichi
Guru

Reged: 02/07/05
Posts: 248
Loc: Florida
Re: YOU ARE ALL THE BEST...THANK YOU...... new
      #134762 - 02/21/05 02:21 AM

I dont know about you guys (and smack me for being corny) I feel this irresistible urge to say aw shucks....:) I know I am also grateful for this site, I have learned so much more that I thought possible. I am a bookworm by nature, but that doesnt make up for human interaction where we share back and forth. I wouldnt know what to do if I didnt have anyone here to smack me upside the head every now and again!:)

--------------------
Never forget: Life is too precious to take for granted.


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RIVERLADY
All Star

Reged: 02/03/05
Posts: 88
Re: WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THE NEG PEOPLE WHO CARE FOR + new
      #134764 - 02/21/05 08:59 AM

I started a care givers support group on the delphi web site perhaps thatll help to have a place to go to and get some support in what ever area is needed

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THE NEG PEOPLE WHO CARE FOR + new
      #134792 - 02/22/05 03:59 PM

How do we reach this delphi web site ?

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Helpless
Member

Reged: 09/20/03
Posts: 14
Loc: New England
Re: WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THE NEG PEOPLE WHO CARE FOR + new
      #135057 - 02/28/05 09:26 PM

Hi Jessie,
I've been away from this chat for quite some time. Recently I have felt the need to express myself. After I read what you wrote I sat back, exhaled and sighed. I have been thinking the same exact thoughts for the last 8 years. I am - and she was diagnosed + in 1986. Last week I went through such a DEEP state of depression. I would cry just at the thought of losing her. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster and can only exhale after I've spoken to her and was briefed on her current status at that specific time. She's been sick several times over the past years but nothing close to being hospitalized, Thank God!
To combat the depression I've gotten involved in bicycling. I've done 5 AIDS Ride from New York to Boston and I'm planning to do the Montreal to Boston Vaccine ride this summer. By doing the rides I feel like I am really making a difference. All I can do for her is be there for her. I can't fight the virus for her, if I could I would in a heartbeat.

As they say in AA, I take it one day at a time!

Stay Strong, My Prayers are with you BOTH !

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