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HIV Life >> Living With HIV

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radar
Regular

Reged: 09/26/04
Posts: 30
Loc: Northern CA
My story that I thought I should share.
      #112205 - 10/02/04 06:56 PM

I have to admit that I never thought I would live this long. When I was told that I was HIV+ the life expectancy was only 2 1/2 yrs. I blew past that long ago.

Sometimes I wonder why I'm still here. I have watched a lot of friends and even a cousin leave me here behind. For the longest time I used to wait and watch for death. Thinking it would be a blessing if it came quickly. I guess that I was wrong.

I never wanted to lie in a hospital bed and waste away and suffer the way I have seen so many others do, including the first man I ever loved. I was nursing at that time and it ate me up inside that there was nothing I could do to make him better. I was working in the infectious disease clinic of a county hospital. I continued working for a while and tried to commit suicide from the extreme mental and emotinal pain and stress. I walked away from nursing with a loss of part of my being.

A few years later I met a younger man who I instantly didn't like. After a few months of knowing him I fell hopelessly in love. He was also HIV+ and I had been for 6yrs at that time. Our relationship ended two weeks before our 9th anniv. He left me for a "real" female who was out to convert all gay men including transsexuals. As a result he gave her HIV because he never bothered to tell her he was positive. I almosted wanted to laugh untill I thought just how sad it really was.

I of course was devastated and sank into a very deep depression. I stopped taking all of my meds, started drinking VERY heavily and staying high as much as possible. One day I started hallucinating and was carted off to the hospital by the police. I left the hospital before ever being seen and went back home. I had been up for over a week on meth.

After a few weeks and a lot of nagging from my Mama, I took a good hard look at myself in the mirror. I hated what I saw looking back at me. I had become everything that I despised in others. I had lost my own soul and had no hope of ever recovering it.

Instead to changing for the better I got worse. I stayed high and never left my apartment.

Then one day my dog was looking at me in such a funny way that I could hear what she was thinking. I was a pitiful wreck and was better than that.

I sobered up and tried to stay clean. I was still struggling when I met the man that captured my heart and gave me back my lost soul. We fell in love, without my meaning to. No one had ever been so pure and true. He was my savior from a miserable existance and not far away death.

He loved me despite my addictions. His belief in me and his love and support got me and has kept me clean and sober. My dog is much happier to have the real me back too. He has given me all that I ever dreamed of.

He made me a bride and a wife. Gave me a home and a nice size piece of land with it. He also gave me a loving family that I was lacking. He gave me the grandchildren that I could never have.

I'm back in the world of the living and I have a life to live again. I used to wonder how someone negative could fall in love with someone positive. He is negative and I plan for him to stay that way. We will be celebrating our 1 year wedding anniversary next month! His love moved me all the way across the country.

I just wanted to share this with whomever wants to read it. I wish everyone all the love their hearts can hold. God bless and stay healthy.

HIV+ since 7-25-88



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Jessie
Guardian

Reged: 06/15/04
Posts: 395
Re: My story that I thought I should share. new
      #112211 - 10/03/04 11:29 AM

Radar,

Your story is truly one of triumph and brought me to tears...You are one strong person with great determination, wisdom and love....I am so glad that you were able to put back the peices of your life and move forward...you now can reap the rewards for the lost soul and live with peace, love and harmony...Kindness comes in all ways and so do miricles...we all have angels that watch , protect and provide for us...You have found your angle and I wish you many more happy years with your love...A wonderful and truly inspiring story...Thank you so much for sharing....God bless and be well....ENJOY your new life filled with love and happiness...~Jessie~

HIV+ since 2-3-04
"While there is breath, there is hope".

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JoJo27
Member

Reged: 04/20/04
Posts: 10
Loc: BROOKLYN, NY
Re: My story that I thought I should share. new
      #112276 - 10/04/04 08:06 PM

Hi Radar,

I just wanted to thank you for that inspiring story you shared about your life. It really is amazing how one day just meeting the right person can make your entire life change. I know your husband must love you so very much and actually you diserve it. Life is hard but I have come to understand that you can make it what ever you want it to be. God bless you and your husband. Take care.

--------------------
Much Love

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Moffie
All Star

Reged: 02/14/04
Posts: 85
Loc: Arizona
Re: My story that I thought I should share. new
      #112298 - 10/05/04 09:35 AM

Hi Radar;

So glad that you shared, and while the bacon slowly cooks, I want to answer.

We seldom know just exactly why we are spared the awful death of our HIV brothers and sisters. It is only our responsibility to live our lives honestly and centered, for only then can the energy of the universe use us for good. I really thank you for sharing your story, and it was a terribly interesting read. I too, have been to the edge of the cliff, in more ways than one, and have returned to live on and live healthy.

I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing here, and look forward to your participation. We need all the long-termers we can get here :o)

Peace, out.

--------------------
Yours;
Tim
"Living Positive Since '83"

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