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HIV Life >> Living With HIV

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Jessie
Guardian

Reged: 06/15/04
Posts: 395
TOTALLY LOST AND NEED TO GET A GRIP ON LIFE!!!!!!!
      #107853 - 08/09/04 12:58 PM

I am falling apart little by little and I dont know how to stop the negative thoughts. Sometimes I feel that I am ok and going to beat this virus and other times I think that just dying now would be the best option for me. I know I am missing out on a lot of wonderful things in life and right now I am not sick(swollen lymph nodes on occasion) but have no other symptoms of the illness-I should be more positive...enjoy people and my life! I just cant and find it so hard to go on. Any advise for someone who feels they have lost themselves because of the hiv virus. My hope is almost gone and my heart and dreams have been broken and smashed. Any advise out htere for someone who has lost their guardian angel and any bit of lust for life? Jessie




***hiv + since 2-3-04

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: TOTALLY LOST AND NEED TO GET A GRIP ON LIFE!!!!!!! new
      #107856 - 08/09/04 01:20 PM

Jessie, you have to hang in there. We all experience the same feelings. I have been HIV+ for 2 years. I often feel that I live outside the confines of "healthy" people. I tell my friends that it's sorta like vampire movies. The "bitten ones". However, I have learned to redefine myself. I went from being employed part-time with no health insurance to finishing a Bachelor's and Master's Degree, working full-time (with full health benefits), maintaining a successful military career, and contributing to society. You will learn in time that the first year is the hardest. You will live and love again but you have to learn to love yourself first. You should set your accomplishments in front of you and realize this virus doesn't change what you've done. Concentrate on helping others in your situation. Only you can pick up the pieces and move forward. You are still a beautiful person!

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: TOTALLY LOST AND NEED TO GET A GRIP ON LIFE!!!!!!! new
      #108000 - 08/10/04 03:15 PM

Dear Jessie
My heart goes out to you. This past month has been my first month being HIV+. So I completely understand your feelings of depression. What has helped me is to take control of the situation. Make sure you contact an experienced HIV physician, get treatment if needed, take care of yourself both mentally and physically, and remember that you are in control of your destiny. Don't dwell on past mistakes that lead you to this point- you are a great person that deserves to experience life! Stay in touch with family and friends- I know I won't get through this without a support system. Also check to see if there are any HIV/AIDS support groups in your community. It helps to talk with others that are experiencing similar situations. Hope this has helped- Best of luck to you-I know we will get through this!
!
adam

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Myhighergrounds
Unregistered

The Power of NOW new
      #108001 - 08/10/04 03:35 PM

Hello Jessie..
don't despair... it is the rollercoaster, isn't it?
Fear and Excitement are indeed sides of the same coin, they give very much similar thrills and sense of daring... but it is ultimately in you to turn the first into the second.
We are going to die, we all are, that is a fact... it does not come with HIV or any other situation that is just an explanation or the cause... To die is just a natural course of being human... you have the power, it's up to you to lead your life in fear of it, or to turn your fears into the excitement for the many unknown things and experiences that are out there, waiting for you to interact with them.
I had my days lately, believe me... I am still doing meditation, reading a lot, coping with a bit of stress with work... but whenever the thoughts are too oppressive, I get in my running gear and run as fast as I can for as long as my heart can support me (being 12k in 41 mins my record as of yesterday).
I am hungry for food for the mind and soul, I am reading constantly anywhere anytime, watching movies, watching the same movies with the director's commentary to understand more, to agree or disagree. Ultimately, I am back at my screenplay writing, planning to have it produced... it is in the circle you need to go back to, it is that patience practiced with visualization that will take you where you need to go, lightly and positively.
Commit yourself to something you really care - stop commiserating yourself... life challenges those students of hers who can learn more... that is how I see it... you get harder papers because there is more that you can give. So, dear friend, trust, be patient and commit yourself to your true self.
Be kind to yourself!
M.

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YANA
Member

Reged: 01/29/04
Posts: 23
Re: TOTALLY LOST AND NEED TO GET A GRIP ON LIFE!!!!!!! new
      #108252 - 08/11/04 12:49 AM

You post is exactly why it INFURIATES me when dissident posts are DELETED from this forum. (Which is supported by pharmaceutical companies).

Just ask your doctor to show you an electron micrograph photo of an isolated HIV virus. Not a particle or a cartoon or buds. A real photo like they have taken of Small Pox and ChickenPox and every other virus that is a real virus.

If he/she can’t show you the photo ask them why?

Then ask him/her about the latest – NON HIV AIDS! How the Hell can they explain that! They used to call it “idiopathic T cell Lymphoma” which basically means NON HIV AIDS. Have you ever in your life heard of someone having NON Chicken Pox virus Chicken Pox? Of course not! Because the definition of a virus induced illness includes the fact that the virus MUST be found in 100% of all people who are sick with the illness. GOOGLE search – Koch’s Postulates

How about NON HERPES HERPES? It sounds stupid doesn’t it? NON HERPES HERPES is probably a pimple!

There is a plethora of information our there to ease your mind and stop worrying over the “virus that never was”. Unfortunately some unethical lackey is going to delete this post before you even get the chance to read it but just in case check out.

http://forums.delphiforums.com/innocuous/start
www.aidsmythexposed
www.aliveandwell.org
www.healtoronto.com
www.virusmyth.com


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Jessie
Guardian

Reged: 06/15/04
Posts: 395
Re: TOTALLY LOST AND NEED TO GET A GRIP ON LIFE!!!!!!! new
      #108290 - 08/11/04 10:17 AM

much love and thanks to all that replied to my post. I needed some "words of advise" to help me through this very difficult week. I am so glad to have you in my life.....~Jessie~



While there is breath, there is hope.
HIV+ since 2-3-04

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: TOTALLY LOST AND NEED TO GET A GRIP ON LIFE!!!!!!! new
      #108338 - 08/11/04 05:20 PM

I already seen HIV in action made by Lennart Nilsson, famous movie maker/photographer.
I think you have a serious problem, wake up!
20 million people already died because of AIDS.
That's fact.

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Broken_Angel1
Guru

Reged: 02/26/04
Posts: 272
Loc: Arizona
Re: TOTALLY LOST AND NEED TO GET A GRIP ON LIFE!!!!!!! new
      #108746 - 08/12/04 11:51 PM

Hi Jessie, Sorry I couldn't have been there sooner for you. Everybody has good days and bad days but on your truly loathsome days...you have all of us to pick you back up and hold you thru it. And if that fails we'll have to get together and have an "Enquirer Tabloid" moment. :) LOL I'm here for you Jess...don't ever forget that.

--------------------
"No act of kindness,
no matter how small,
is ever wasted." AESOP


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Jessie
Guardian

Reged: 06/15/04
Posts: 395
Re: My ANGEL friend-THANKYOU!!!!!!! new
      #108821 - 08/13/04 01:26 PM

Angel my friend,

I thankyou for your wonderful words of advise as they always seem to comfort me when I am down....I am so grateful in a sense to have my own PERSONAL angel watching over me and helping me through the toughest time I have ever had. You are a very special person and a truly great friend. I am lucky to have found you and have you in my life. Thankyou!!!!!!!!!
Love,
~Jessie~



"Whike there is breath, there is hope".
HIV + since 2-3-04

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: TOTALLY LOST AND NEED TO GET A GRIP ON LIFE!!!!!!! new
      #109222 - 08/15/04 04:32 PM

ive been pos for 15 yrs im resistant to all the drugs so the lab says but i keep taking them ,my count is over 900 and vl is undetectable , u have not lost ur guardian angel its just sometimes we go to dark places where our guardian angel cant follow when u are in denial, depression and literally in the darkness the can not follow u there so u need to come back and have faith live every day and enjoy every day uve got hon ur life isnt over have faith and ur angel will reappear pos attitude helps a lot .u havce alot of yrs ahead of u how u gonna live them? happy? stressed or with all the hope and fight u got? i hope u choose to fight and pray for u r angel to return to u

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: TOTALLY LOST AND NEED TO GET A GRIP ON LIFE!!!!!!! new
      #110297 - 08/20/04 05:18 AM

Jessie-Your're feelings are totally normal, and understandable! Having HIV/AIDS is a roller coaster. I am fine one day, think I can't deal with this anymore the next. It is a tough battle. You literally have to feel tougher than that microscopic little virus and fight. I have wanted to die off and on for 14 years. I get so down, only time brings me up. I am semi-asymptomatic, no major illness, some other problems. I have to tell myself when I have a health crisis or problem, I will get through it and have a period of normalcy. I have had
a horrible summer healthwise, but it is temporary. It can be so hard to stay positive, but it really does make a difference.
I hope you can find some help, support groups, counselor,
a journal, going on line, etc. and if you are spiritual, pursue that. I really pursue hobbies...they really help me feel "normal", and take me to an escape from my situation. I get lost in them instead of the world of HIV! My thoughts are with you, hang in there! If you have people that would be devastated that you left, fight for them if not yourself. That's one reason I have to fight...I don't want my sons, family, etc. to watch me die. I will do everything to avoid that.


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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: TOTALLY LOST AND NEED TO GET A GRIP ON LIFE!!!!!!! new
      #110298 - 08/20/04 05:25 AM

Where did you go to school, MARS??? I am HIV positive. My fiance died of AIDS. How can you refute the multitude of
AIDS researchers, scientists, doctors and other medical professionals? Actual PEOPLE that have HIV? I pray you meet one!!! I'm sorry but you are a total idiot. All the pharmaceutical companies care about is $$$. I know normally dissidents should be ignored, but I would like to run you off the boards. Go get a LIFE, no, how about get HIV!!!
MAYBE you would get a clue then.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: TOTALLY LOST AND NEED TO GET A GRIP ON LIFE!!!!!!! new
      #110672 - 08/23/04 11:21 PM

Jessie,
I know how you feel totally. I feel exactly the same way! I found out on 4-1-04 that i was positive from my boyfriend that gave it to me on purpose!! U don't quite know how to comprehend such devastating news. Would like to talk to you more, GOD BLess. Take care. Missy

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: TOTALLY LOST AND NEED TO GET A GRIP ON LIFE!!!!!!! new
      #110721 - 08/24/04 02:09 PM

Pray for god to remove the fear, a god no matter what your religion or just pray to mother nature a higher power than you to lift your burden. HIV is changing as we speak were livin in remarkable times of meds and science hook up with a therapist just talkin can do wonders point is you don't have to go thru this alone Woody elwoodbundy@hotmail.com if you want to talk

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: TOTALLY LOST AND NEED TO GET A GRIP ON LIFE!!!!!!! new
      #110745 - 08/24/04 07:24 PM

Hang in there. It does get easier with time. My partner of 12 years and I both tested positive in 1999. It felt like my world was coming to an end. I began having panic attacks, my blood pressure went through the roof, and I've been dealing with severe depression and the realization that I'll never be a father. I'm 37 and want kids so bad it hurts. My two year old nephew is often the only ray of hope in my day...Three months ago my partners family moved away and took my little "Bubba" with them. That sent me into a tailspin and I tried to kill myself by eating lots of pills and taking a knife to my wrist. What a mistake that was. It left me with hospital bills I can't pay, and a scar on my wrist. I'm seeing an analyst now (which I highly recommend, if you can't afford it check out the options through your local mental health network, I did, and got 12 visits for $12 each!!!! Now I'm seen on a sliding scale) I've had my anti-depressants adjusted (which I also recommend you check into) and my world doesn't seem so black anymore.

It helps to have people to talk to. It's so hard to keep a positive outlook, I know. I've been there. Don't lose sight of the fact that you are not alone. I wish I could offer more insight, but don't give up. I've learned very recently how short life can be, we need to make the most of it. Remember too, that you're mental health plays a big part in how HIV can grab a hold on you. Don't be afraid to get help, and USE YOUR RESOURCES. Pray if that works for you. Meditate, that works for me. Take up Yoga, stay active, go for a bike ride, go to the gym. Do ten push-ups. Have a cigarette, whatever floats your boat, but don't let HIV dictate how you live, or worse, how you die. Good Luck. Please feel free to contact me if you'd like to talk further.



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