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HIV Transmission and Education >> Am I Infected?

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The games your mind plays
      #99533 - 06/05/04 06:58 AM

Hey out there everyone. It's been a while since I've posted to the few who do remember reading my posts but I'm still here, just been sitting back reading everyone else's posts trying to come to terms with paranoia

Just to recap, back about six months ago I had an encounter consisting of unprotected oral and protected anal of unknown status. Then a second encounter about 6 weeks later with a different person of unknown status, insertive both times. I didn't think much of either one until encounter #2 told me that he was having symptoms of a gonorreha infection that he swore he got from me. About a week after I start having the symptoms as well and get checked out, while there I also opted for the HIV test. Now at this time I had no scare of even being exposed due to the fact that I had used protection on both occasions, but I did just to be sure. Well about two weeks later I get my results. Positive on the clap and negative on the HIV, I wasn't even worried about that until the nurse asked me how I felt about that. I told her fine seeing as how I came back clean, but she told me that I should go get tested again in another 6 months just to make sure I was totally neg. I talked to encounter #2 and told him my results and he tells me his came out the same way, which I figured they would be. Well about another 6 weeks afterwards I decide to hook up with #2 again (I know, my stupid) we did do slight unprotected oral/protected anal but with him still believing I gave him the clap he lost nerve and decided to leave. Well I talk to him about a week later and he tells me he's having symptoms again, doc tells him it's not clap but a NGU and he decides to get tested for HIV again as well but hadn't got his results back at the time of the conversation. I disregarded it for about a week until I started feeling kinda funny, then I ended up getting a slight pain in my throat and diarreha, I then started to look up symptoms for both NGU and HIV. At the time of the onset I still didn't think I could've been exposed but I wanted to see what possible symptoms would be. well I didn't have any NGU symptoms so I disregarded that, but the HIV symptoms made me nervous cause of the fact that I was starting to have a sore throat. I didn't get tested right away though cause I figured it was flu season and it was probably just that, but about a week later it reached its height, I had a hard time swallowing, headache, muscle pain, joint pain, diarreha, stiff neck. I knew something was up so I went to the doctor who did a throat culture, came back and told me that it was a viral pharyingitis infection and to just wait for it to pass. I was on edge the rest of that day so the next morning I immediately went to get tested for HIV. That night I was online for hours just looking at sites and message boards trying to make sense of it and that's when I stumbled across this site.

About a week after the doctor visit I get a call from them telling me that it was a bacterial infection after all and they put me on antibiotics. You have no idea just how much of a relief it was for me to hear that because that whole week I was just too depressed, hardly ate, slept, the whole nine. But that didn't relieve my fear %100 and I've pretty much been a regular visitor to this site since then. It's been about 12 days since that phone call and I'm through with my antibiotics and for the most part I feel fine. Although I still have soft stools, and as of late my lymph nodes have been sore off and on under my armpits. Everyone I've talked to has told me not to worry and that it's normal but I just can't shake the thought that it might be seroconversion.

Well the reason for this post was to adress a few things, one to myself as well as everyone else out there who feels the same way I do. As it stands I have an appointment to get my results back in about 4 days and I'm pretty damn nervous. Even though my odds are in favor of a negative result (from what I've been told) there's that little voice in the back of my head telling me that I'm wrong and to expect the worse. And like everyone else out there I've been more attentive to my body than I think I've ever been in life, chalking up every blemish and pain to possible HIV infection even though most of these things have reasonable explinations that would suggest othewise. I had to convince myself that I had to take into consideration that I'm also on antibiotics so my system isn't in sync with itself right now, not to mention that I've been stressed out so that's taking it's toll as well. But to be totally honest, on those few days where I convince myself I'm totally fine, I actually feel fine. It brings me back to when I was a child and my mother told me that whatever you think you are then you will be. Now in the case of HIV I know you can't will yourself the disease just by thinking about it, but if you obsess over the symptoms then you will start to have them because your convincing yourself that you do. After I got that phone call from the doc most of my pain went away (including my headache) not to mention the fact that through this whole experience so far I never had a fever and I read that that's the #1 symptom, not even any nausea. Now I have had other problems like I stated earlier that have gone away for the most part. For instance, last week my tonuge hurt and I noticed a very small bump on the left side where it seemed to be originating from but it didn't bleed and it wasn't filled with anything, after a few days it seemed to switch sides and I noticed a red patch a little further back but then went away altogether. I was kinda nervous over it thinking it was ARS of course, but it could've been a number of other things as well. I had been drinking a lot of hot tea that week in order to soothe my throat so it could've been just a slight burn, plus from what my roommate tells me I seem to have a problem with grinding my teeth when I sleep so I could've bitten my tounge as well. Or even more, I have to remember the strep and the antibiotics in my system could've caused it. Or it could even be the fact that I tend to brush my tounge pretty hard. The only thing about it is after I stopped obsessing about it it went away, just like almost everything else.

So to all of the WWs out there, including myself, don't be so quick to think that you're infected just because you're having similar symptoms to ARS or even problems that you've never had before. It could be something else that you're overlooking due to the fact that you're focusing all your time on HIV. As for myself, I'm taking this as a learning experience weather negative or positive. Cause right now, to be honest I'm more concerned over the penis pain I've been having lately. I'm thinking Urethritis but I will know for sure come Wednesday when I get checked out. I also wanted to thank Dutchman, Chiquilla, JustAGirl and everyone else who has taken time out to answer my questions and read my novel posts. If it wasn't for the positive feedback I'd probably be a nervous wreck about the whole thing.

I hope this relieved a few of you as it did relieve me to write it out.

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