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HIV Transmission and Education >> Am I Infected?

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      #920 - 03/30/00 09:58 PM

My name is Carrie. I am 20 years old and affraid I have HIV. My
"symptoms" are very similar to what I experienced when I had my
anxiety/depression disorder which I struggled all my high school
years until I finally got on the right medication. I got help and
started living my life the right way.I was so excited to be able
to get out in the world and do things that I always wanted to do.
I enjoyed going to see my favorite bands play at concerts and
going to work at a music store. I was even thinking about
attending the University of Kentucky, but that has changed. As I
sit and type this, I am questioning my future. I heard that my
ex-boyfriend I was with when I was 16 may be HIV posative. He
remarked to a friend that he tested posative and they told me
about the whole thing not realizing I had been with him. I just
got tested today and I am very scared. I have to wait a week now.
I am crying non stop. Just when I think I have something to work
for in life... Help me.

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Re: Afraid new
      #921 - 03/30/00 09:59 PM

hi carrie. i recently went through the exact same thing that you
are going through. i can empathize only because i felt the same
feelings of fear and anxiety... some might call you a dingbat
(like someone called me on this webpage), but the fear is real.
each day that i waited, i couldn't breathe...i couldn't work...i
couldn't think...i was acting so maniacal that my friends thought
i was losing it....i would walk like a zombie. sometimes, i would
start crying uncontrollably. well..i was very lucky to have
tested negative, but i learned a few things during the wait.
being hiv+ doesn't mean that your life ends right there. you can
still accomplish so many's not a *bad* disease..just
a disease that will hopefully be curable someday soon. each day,
each minute, each second should be valued and treasured beyond
all means. it was so easy to take things for granted. as for the
outcome, my fingers are crossed for you, but whatever it may be,
just try to enjoy life. i'm glad you took the test. it's better
to know than not to know.

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Re: Afraid new
      #922 - 03/30/00 09:59 PM

i got the results of my test, and they were negative. i can't
begin to express the joy and exhilaration that i felt when i
heard the news. i almost couldn't believe my ears. i thank god,
my few friends who knew, and this entire chatline. it has helped
me a great deal. i just want to never forget the fear that i
felt...why i felt that fear and how i could have prevented it. i,
too, want and will live by a different think before i
act, even in the moment of *passion* or whatnot. thanks to the
person who responded and understood, though it was not
understanding that i needed. there are probably thousands more
like us who don't know the risk they are putting themselves in.
i, too, would like to help and advocate, if possible, and gear it
towards colleges. when i went out last weekend, before i got the
results of my test, i saw all the people, hooking up with each
other, and i just wanted to warn them to think before they act. i
hope i can do this. i had a very good friend who helped me
through the days while i waited for the results. he was very
comforting. hiv(aids) is nothing to lose one's head
over...everyone just connotates it with an "evil" thing, where
your life ends no matter what..but it is a disease, a preventable
one, that can be dealt with. friends might abandon you, but some
will support, and those kinds of friends are the ones you need. i
was very lucky, and i am thankful.

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Re: Afraid new
      #923 - 03/30/00 10:00 PM

Hi. I read your story and understand all that you are going
through. During college I was always having fun and partying, not
thinking about the consequences of my actions. I would have high
risk, sometimes unprotected, sexual intercourse with different
partners without thinking about HIV or other STDS. As the years
went on, I became increasingly paranoid that I might have
contracted HIV through unprotected sex. This is when my nightmare
began. I would scour books, the internet, and hot lines for any
and all information about HIV and AIDS. I was so obsessed with
the illness I literally convinced myself that I had contracted
HIV. With every little sore throat, cold, sweat, bump, or cough I
would think it was a sign that I was becoming ill. I couldn't
talk about this with anyone and I was so worried! Finally, after
a year or more of fretting, I broke down and took a home HIV
test. After I completed the test it took me two days before I
could conjure up the nerve to even mail the damn thing! I
couldn't believe the results. I was HIV negative. All the worry,
all the stress, all the nights lying awake thinking about how
this would affect my career, my family, my loved ones, my health.
My "HIV symptoms" turned out mostly to be caused by hypertension
and stress. I sat on the edge of my bed and cried. How could I
have let myself become so paranoid and upset? I now live my life
by a different moral code and I am thinking about becoming
involved in community HIV awareness. I have said a prayer for you
so that you might find peace in your life like I have.

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