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So Tired....

Considering Suicide....
      #80834 - 01/14/04 08:22 PM

I am at the end of my rope and I just don't know how I will make it through another day..right now ending it all sounds so wonderful and a release for me...

I have been living in fear of HIV for about 5 years now and I have never had the balls to get a test. I have been having sex with condoms ( never had a problem with them and none have broken) for about 12 years. I am just obsessed with having HIV...The stress and strain is just to much for me now. I have had counselors laugh at me and so does my doctor. I am a heterosexual and have never had anything but vaginal intercourse and NEVER without a condom..NEVER!! How did I get HIV??? I feel so guilty that I have slept with so many women ( maybe 45 ) in my life ..I am 44.
In the last few months, I have had 2 unexplained bruises, one unexplained nosebleed ( I saw another post on this and it made me think), pains in my legs, joint pain, a few light night sweats, I feel dizzy and a bit faint ( I started with caffeine coffee again) and I am as depressed as one can get. I am eating more than ever and gaining weight, and I am exercising all the time and it does not help the stress. I suffer from depression and have horrible lifelong anxiety and OCD. I walk around with a thermometer to see if I am running a fever.. I spend hours on the net and it seems like everytime I look up my symptoms it always comes back to cancer or HIV!!!. I have convinced myself that I am now progressing from HIV to AIDS and the end for me is near. I check myseklf every day for thrush and other infections. My girlfriend dumped me several months ago and that pain has been unbearable. I have not slept in months and when I wake up and if I have been sweating it makes me that much more anxious and I have panic attacks.

I just don't know what to do anymore..I think I need to end it all.

Can anyone help me....say anything that can make me see reality?...

God Bless

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Re: Considering Suicide.... new
      #80911 - 01/14/04 10:37 PM

just go take the test you dont have to go in for the results go down to planned parenthood and if you are positive you dont have to go on meds in a few more years there will be better pills it beat suicide stay healthy and take your vitamins green tea and yogurt I know how you feel I have a 8 week negative and too chicken to go in again. remember you can test and not get the results until you psych yourself up .

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Re: Considering Suicide.... new
      #80912 - 01/14/04 10:44 PM

I can understand how you feel. I was constantly worried about getting the virus and because of this it wore me down. I think this is what you have done. Worrying is probably what has made you feel so ill. I suspect you are a hypochondriact which wont help matters.

To have doctors laugh at you is not very nice I know but think about it. If they were worried then they would have told you to get a test.

My advice is to get tested. You cannot diagnose it by yourself. If you believe to have it then having a test is should confirming what you think.

Get the test done. I was worried about getting it done but its the best thing to do. When it comes back negative I guarantee you will feel better.

2 years is too soon for HIV to turn to AIDS anyway. Surely you should know this from all the reading on the net you have done.

Even if it does come back positve, which from what you have told us is VERY VERY unlikely it is not the end of the world. Todays medicine helps the people infected with it live full lives. I remember hearing that it is now like someone suffering from diabeties. You will live a good life even if you have got it. Everyone has to go sadly but just because you would have it does not mean you will die in 24 hours.

Please get tested. Then afterwards, I suggest you try and get councilling. It helped me and it will help you to get over your depression and hypochondria.

Trust me. Get tested. Finding out the results is a lot easier than not knowing and imagining you have it.

Let us know what happens.


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Re: Considering Suicide.... new
      #80937 - 01/14/04 11:17 PM


You are fine....your illness is your mind and spirit...

Your chances of having it are almost nill.

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Reged: 10/23/03
Posts: 140
Loc: Las Vegas, NV
Re: Considering Suicide.... new
      #80970 - 01/15/04 02:45 AM

Look, I'm sorry you're having so many "issues," but please do not post on this board with the Subject: "Considering Suicide..." You won't even get yourself tested! Too many of us on this board have HAD the test, have TESTED POSITIVE, and are doing fine. But I'm sure most us of have let the thought of suicide into our minds, if even for a second. By posting here and in this manner, you are insulting us and our every day struggles.

Your "symptoms" sound to me more like a part of normal AGING. Can't you have a NORMAL mid-life crisis??

I'm no doctor, but your diagnosis sounds like it would be HYPOCHONDRIA, not HIV. These are your options:

1) Get tested for HIV. Deal with the (probably good) results then.

2) See a psychiatrist, not a medical doctor.

Married; 31 years old
HIV+ 10 years... and counting

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Re: Considering Suicide.... new
      #81005 - 01/15/04 06:29 PM

If you refuse testing, there is nothing anybody can do to help you and you will never ever feel better and will continue to be miserable.

However since you are using a cpndom the chances of you having HIV are almost none, no matter how many women you have slept with.

If you have OCD and you are not treating yourself, why do you continue to have casual sex? You do not really have to worry about HIV but I strongly suggest you get some counselling for your issues. They run alot deeper than HIV.

I am willing to bet if you took an HIV test it would be negative.

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