The Body: The Complete HIV/AIDS Resource
Follow Us Follow Us on Facebook Follow Us on Twitter Download Our App 
Professionals >> Visit The Body PROThe Body en Espanol

HIV Transmission and Education >> Am I Infected?

Pages: 1

Scared and stunned
      #64293 - 04/25/03 08:51 PM

I recently quit smoking marijuana after 15 years of use. I have also battled bouts of depression for about the same amount of time. While I never entertained the thought of killing myself, I would express my hurt and esteem issues through bouts of unprotected sex. I mean, I would totally work up scenarios where I would see my self better off with HIV; keeping people away from me so that I couldn't be hurt by anyone; using it as a tool to force myself to HAVE to straighten up my life.

Now that I am not smoking, eating healthy, exercising and actually DEALING with my depression, I cannot believe I have done this to myself. I cannot understand how I, an educated woman, who has worked within the HIV/AIDS community and has seen what it can honestly physical, mentally, and emotionally do to a person would metaphorically stick a bullet in a gun and play Russian Roulette with my life.

After reading some of the posts on this particular board, I am beginning to think that I am not the only one out there that is secretly doing this. All these people freaking out over whether they are or aren’t because they time and time again had unprotected sex. What are we thinking? Hell, if you are under the age of 32, you have spent your whole sexual experience being warned about what can happen if you are not protected. I think some of us out there need to do a lot more than “just take a test to ease your mind”. We need to talk to somebody, clergy, family member, friend, therapist to figure out when some of us stopped loving ourselves enough to protect ourselves or at the very least, snatch our head out of the clouds and snap us back into reality.

Please understand, I am not out there trying to condemn or judge anyone for anything – that is not what I am about. I am sitting here freaking out, waiting for the results of my HIV test trying to figure out what the f*&k I have done spiritually, mentally and emotionally to myself that I forgot who I was; forgot how to love myself enough to stop taking these risks over and over again. This is not the first time I have walked down this road and if I am blessed enough that my results come back negative, I am even more terrified that I will find myself back for a third time and not likely to be as lucky.

For all of you on this particular board that are freaking out over whether this or that is a symptom of HIV, ask yourself how the hell you ended up on this road to begin with and how the hell can you stay off once and for all. My results come back May 1st and regardless of the results, I am seeking help because I know that no matter what happens, I damn sure am not ready to die.

I wish everyone the best of luck and God Bless

Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  

Re: Scared and stunned new
      #64332 - 04/26/03 08:44 PM

I can relate to everything you said, I have been through a similar past and am now facing the same questions like: how the [censored] did I get to this point? I have not tested yet but I am going to soon. Positive or negative I am going to do my best to change my life.

Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Pages: 1

What's New at

Additional Information
0 registered and 1 anonymous users are browsing this forum.

Moderator:  TheBody, bogart, gigi, riverprincess 

      You cannot start new topics
      You cannot reply to topics
      HTML is enabled
      UBBCode is enabled

Thread views: 976

Jump to

Contact Us | Privacy Statement The Body

UBB.threads™ 6.2.3