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HIV Transmission and Education >> Am I Infected?

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Richard
Unregistered

TEST RESULT, My story, Fear, Drama and SOLUTION
      #32232 - 04/17/02 05:43 PM

I have been posting here for quite sometimes - than due to some idiotical posts I removed myself from here. Now I am back just one more time for large number of good people on this forum to see if I can help by telling my storry and solution how I finally beleived the test result and what I have done.

I have to appologise to everyone first for posting probably long story as I think it is important, and for my English that is not my language (I speak 6 others equaly good as English - but unfortunately can't be as good as my own).

I live in Australia.

MY STORY

I had protected anal incertive intercaurse with sex worker where I beleive that condom broke - but have not noticed at the time.

MY SYMPTOMS

Seven days after exposure I had rash on the skin, than the series of symptoms that you all have - soar throat, night sweats, joint and muscle pain, growling in stomach, white tounge - never saw anything like that in my life), terrible naussea, light stool, dried mouth and burning sensation on my lips, mouth ulcers, headaches, loss of apetite, loss of wight, dhieria and every other symptoms on earth you can imagine.

I was convinced 1000% that I was infected.

MY TESTS

1. Elisa - 8 of them - weeks: 4, 7, 10, 11.5, 12,5, 13.5 than 4 and 5 months.

2. p24 Antigen 5 weeks

3. PCR DNA and RNA 7 weeks

4. TC Cell count 5 and 7 weeks

5. Hep C and Hep B every time when I was doing Elisa

6. HCV RNA - which is PCR test for Hep C at 4 months

7. Full blood counts, full liver blood counts most of the time of tests.

I have visisted 4 HIV specialist in Australia, other 4 doctors, I took myself one day to Emergency room in hospital.

AND I REFISED TO BELEIVE ANY OF THOSE TESTS AND CONTINUED TO BELEIVE I AM INFECTED FOR FIVE MONTHS.

OTHER ISSUE

All the doctors insisted that I see psychitrist, which I am doing now on weekly bases, I drove my wife crasy and lot of freinds - as I almost told everybody. My 11 year old daughter found that I am searching to much on the Net about HIV, and started to ask me whether I have AIDS - and she started to worry.

THEORIES

Every time I have been confirmed negative, I had another theory to back my beleifs that I am positive. It was window period first, than it was coinfection with Hep C. I have written to doctors on the Body and Hopkins Aids and have received 8-10 answers all reasuring me that I am ok.

SOLUTION

This is the time when I beleived the result and how I did it. Every time before my last five months test I was going to a doctor to ick up my result all ready and prepaired that I will be confirmed positive. I did not think that it could be any other possible result but positive. And of course when it came back negative I did not beleive - because I beleived I was positive.

The five months test was different, somehow I decided to change the patent of my thoughts regarding the test. I decided that I will force myself no matter what heppens not to think about any outcome of the test - but accept it what ever it was.

This time I did not talk to myself that I will be positive, or false negative or anything - so I was determine not to think and accept the outcome of result. I can't say this was easy to do - but I can say how easy it was to accept result as I did when it came negative.

I also than and there decided not to test any more - since I did not have near even close another exposure but the once more than five months ago.

ADVICE

I now think that the key advise is not to think about the utcome of result and not to be convinced that you are infected because first of all you don;t know that, and second the only test can prove that you are. You need to be concern and you can be concerned, but at some point of time you need to set the date for final test - otherwise one HIV specialist said to me if I continue like this I will continue testing for another 40 years.

When HIV specialist cleared me after 3 months and PCR, they told me I should be banned for further testing - and I can see now why - because every test brings back Anxiaty, strong ghoughts back - " yes infection is there".

So, try to use as much power as possible to go and receive test result without any thought of outcome - because you don;t know outcome - remember I was thinking I am infected 1000% for sure.

POWER OF MIND

Another key element in this is a Mind. I refused to think that mind can make all this things without real infection. I refused to beleive that mind can make me sick and produce all those symptoms.

Well now I know that mind has played some very strange game on me - and I am sure it will and it can play on you.

During this time I had lot of people helping me on this forum, for them I am writing this - so that some people who read this and have the same fear as I did - to think about some of those issues, to think about how they can prepare to trust the result.

KEY ELEMENT IN TRUSTING TEST RESULT

I strongly beleive that key element to trust result is beforhand than after it has been received. Meaning that you have to be prepaired before you get result to know what you are going to do.

My mind was set at the begining to test almost on weekly bases until 3 months, than on monthly bases until 6 months - beleiving in some conservative ideas that 6 month is conclusive and I stoped at five - why the only reason was that I was prepaired before I heard the result to accept it whatever it is. I didn't want to think it will be positive, I didn;t want to think it will be negative - I just was thinking - I don't know what is going to be and I will accept whatever it was.

It helped me also to talk myself into it by the fact that I was thinking that every test I ran before will turn positive and every time I was wrong. So, I was saying to myself - if you were wrong 15 times before, what it will make you to think that this time you are going to be right.

FINAL STATEMENT

I don't want to develop argument here, missunderstanding, accusation, desbilief etc. I will not be coming back to follow up on this post - as I was lot of time depressed and got in worst position reading some of the post that would not be right for this forum.

This forum is to help people, not to make people feeling worst by finding some rare cases of 11 months seroconversions and posted here so everybody freaks out.

This post is suppose to be friendly help, not talking people names like zzzhole, idiot etc etc - when there was no reason for that.

I SINCERELY HOPE THAT WITH MY STORY SOMEONE WILL BE HELPED TO UNDERSTAND BETTER AND GET OVER A REAL FEAR THAT CAN TAKE THE LIFE OVER FOR VERY, VERY LONG TIME - MONTHS IF NOT YEARS.





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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: TEST RESULT, My story, Fear, Drama and SOLUTION new
      #32242 - 04/17/02 08:05 PM

Thank you for sharing your story. I know exactly where you are coming from. I've had 5 elisa tests after finding out that my husband cheated on me all of them had been negative but like many people I could not believe my results. At first it was because I tested too soon and needed to test again. The second time I tested I remembered that it wasn't the last exposure...needed to test again. Then I started searching the web and found 101 different reasons why I need to test again. A long and stressful cycle. I took 5 elisas all negative and spent $250. Now I realize that I should have taken one test and spent the rest on therapy!!





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worried2002.
Unregistered

Re: TEST RESULT, My story, Fear, Drama and SOLUTION new
      #32245 - 04/17/02 08:26 PM

Thank you richard, i'm happy that you regained your sanity. A firm hug from someone who is going to regain his own in less than one month, no matter the outcome ;-)

ciao

--
w2002



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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: TEST RESULT, My story, Fear, Drama and SOLUTION new
      #32266 - 04/18/02 10:28 AM

don't forget to add aidsmeds.com to the list of sites where you've posted your saga. i'm glad that you finally believe the tests, but why 5 months? Not 3, 4, or 6? Just curious.



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