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False sense of security - Part 2
      #27832 - 02/06/02 07:47 PM

Hi everybody, especially Jackie Blue who I have the highest respect for.

I am a very negative person (no pun intended) and have had a number of bad posts on this forum where I tried to shatter the confidence and security of those seeking peace of mind in this bulletin board. I apologize for that. I guess I am so terrified about this disease that I try to make everybody else feel just as scared and depressed.

I have been struggling with HIV Obsessive Compulsive Illness (HOCI) for about 17 years now and I am hoping that one day I can shake it. Yes there is such a disease, I am sure.

I used to laugh when I saw reports of "ritual hand washers" or people who clean their rooms repeatedly every day. I thought : "get over it...whats the big deal". But when AIDS came along in the 80's, I found my own obsession.

I know now why some people are obsessive, they simply cannot "accept" something like others. Some people cannot accept even the slightest dirt or germs on their hands, so they experience anxiety over it and wash them constantly. For me, I cannot accept even the slightest chance that I might have AIDS, hence I experience anxiety over it and go for constant tests. Having a test, by the way, feels so good to me. Even just getting the blood drawn and waiting for the results (even if they take weeks to come back) is exhilirating to me. Is this sick or what? I don't know, maybe its because at the time I am waiting for the test, I finally have a sense of "acceptance", a feeling of: "in a few days or so, I will find out my result, so I can't do anything about it now, its out of my hands". During this time, I am so at peace. Why can't I have this feeling after I get the tests back? Yes, I do feel good for awhile that I tested negative, but then some time later, I go back to obsessing again.

No, Jackie, it has not turned me into a madman. During the last 17yrs I have managed to get a University degree, successful career, wonderful wife and the cutest baby boy you will ever see.

I suspect that a lot of people in this world have the same disease (HOCI). I have read all the questions posted in this bulletin board and to the experts. They are the same questions I always have. Perhaps one day the experts will wake up and realize that better tests are needed.

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Re: False sense of security - Part 2 new
      #27835 - 02/06/02 08:22 PM

Okay I will bite...Better tests? I am curious what would improve the tests we currently have other than time--nothing in medicine is 100%, and considering the available tests are 99.9% accurate...?

P.S. The fact you have a child and a wife means your compulsion relates to some other internal disorder. If you were so isolated about HIV you would have remained secluded and not faced the fear of infecting your wife or unborn child (I assume he is not 17--which is when you state this disorder began). I would wager if you saw a GOOD therapist they would get at the realm of your true dilemma...and I also would lay my money on the fact HIV has nothing to do with it, but is simply a precursor that is guiding the disorder. Aside from that, it goes back to the old slogan, "Whatever trips your trigger" And I guess for you it is HIV. Yet, dealing with this disorder is not shits and grins, it is hard, requires extensive responsibility, and MAY have disasterous effects if you act unmeticulously. How do I know? My partner is HIV+ I HAVE to deal with it everyday...

Good luck

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Re: False sense of security - Part 2 new
      #27838 - 02/06/02 09:22 PM

Just out of curiosity, are you the one who claims Shane, Jocko,a nd INFECTED are all the same person?

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Re: False sense of security - Part 2 new
      #27844 - 02/07/02 12:33 AM

Thanks for the kind words Zack. You didn't say if you were on any anti-depressants. You might want to talk to your doctor about Paxil. It's more for anxiety than depression. Sounds like that would be a better fit. You don't mention seeing a counselor. If you haven't seen on in 17 years I would suggest you do. If you have one, then find another counselor that can help you. There is help out there.

Here's an off the wall idea. Why don't you try volunteering at an HIV clinic? Yes I'm serious. Perhaps working and talking with people that are infected may make the whole thing seem less scary. What's that saying? "We have nothing to fear, but fear itself." Sometimes the best way to deal with a fear is to face it directly. Feel free to private message me.


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