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Reged: 03/12/13
Posts: 3
How to move forward
      #271112 - 03/13/13 06:07 PM

I am not sure that this is the right place within the forum to post something like this but I couldn't find another area that seemed to apply any better. I am a 26 year old gay man. I have been sexually active in the past but have not been for quite some time because of a negative experience I had with someone who turned out to be HIV positive.
I came out of the closet at the age of 23 and the main reason for me coming out was that I had fallen in love. It was a first for me and a really great experience. After several months we became sexually active which was also a first for me and I felt that we had done everything the right way. We had both tested negative ( for me getting tested was more for the experience ha ha) The relationship lasted two years and had it's ups and downs like most I guess. About a year and a half ago it ended and the effect it had on me was pretty intense as it was my first break up. I fell into a pretty deep depression. In order to try and get out of the funk that I was in I decided to leave town for a few weeks and stay with my parents (I have the ability to work from anywhere).
While I was in the town where my parents live I met someone (on Grindr) and we met up a couple of times for dinner and your typical get to know you stuff. This was only my second time around the block with this stuff and I was naive and assumed that it would go the same as the first time. Before I knew it and within that few weeks he had invited me to stay overnight with him. I agreed to go out with him that night and to see where it led. Before we went out I met him at his place and pretty soon we left for dinner and I kind of figured we would be heading to a gay club later and probably be drinking. I asked him then if he had a condom and he said he didn't and that we would have to grab one sometime before we got back. I remember thinking to myself as we left that he was crazy if he thought anything was going to happen without one.
We went out and had a fun night and did end up at a club dancing where I had enough to drink to be considered drunk. As we got back to his place later that night I was still pretty obviously under the influence of alcohol. We got into the shower together and before you knew it he was inside me without a condom and I wasn't even hard nor did I orgasm. Within a few minutes he had finished and it was all over. As I sobered up that night in bed laying next to him I realized that I had been really stupid but in order to fall asleep I told myself that it was the first time in my life that I had behaved so dangerously and that hopefully the odds were in my favor.
After that I spent a few more weeks in this guy's town and things went pretty well. If we didn't see each other that day then we spoke on the phone that night. He was charming and pretty successful in his career. About a week after our sexual encounter I got brave enough to discuss with him my anxiety about what had happened that night. As I started to bring it up he interrupted me to say "you want to know if I'm clean." in a very friendly way. He apologized for what had happened and said the only reason he had let it happen was because he knew that he was "clean". I felt immediate relief and I could hear in his voice that he was really sorry for causing me that anxiety. He also let me know that night that that had been his first time topping and he had really enjoyed it. I asked him if we could go ahead and get tested and he laughed it off saying he would definitely do that for me. He reassured me that my worries were partly because I was still "new gay" and that society promotes the idea that the gay world is full of disease but that it actually isn't.
As the next week progressed I tried to get us together to get tested but he started to get annoyed at my persistence. My anxiety started to grow again but I have a tendency to be a little high strung so I tried to explain it in that way.
One morning, a few days before I left to come home, I got a facebook message from a man who was claiming to be this guy's boyfriend and letting me know that I was being lied to. Eventually we exchanged phone numbers and I was able to talk with this guy over the phone. I told him that we had had unprotected sex and this guy was concerned for me and told me that his boyfriend had a bad reputation in this town for being very sexually promiscuous. Well this immediately freaked me right out but I got home in one piece and tried my hardest to resume normal life. At this point I think I had been tested three times within the two weeks of my possible exposure. ha ha
This guy found out that his boyfriend and I were communicating a little and was obviously very upset with me. He did finally agree to get tested after my pretty obsessive persistence on the issue as long as I paid for his test because of the inconvenience which I gladly agreed to do. That morning that he finally got to the testing center his test result came back inconclusive. They told him they would send it to their lab for further testing and send him the results via email. He told me he would let me know as soon as he did.
I never heard from him again. As the weeks and months went by I fell into a pretty deep depression. I did seek out some help from the local AIDS agency who were amazing. They assigned me a case worker who was an angel and there for me anytime I needed her. Even with all of this I could not get myself to get tested. I was certain that I was positive and was starting to go through the steps of accepting it. After about six or seven months I had done an ok job of putting it in the back of my head.
Around the eighth month I got a text from this out of town guy from all those months ago. He wanted to say that he was sorry and asked if I thought he was a bad person. He had tested positive and wanted to know if I had found a good doctor. I told him that I had tested negative ( I lied ) and that I didn't hate him but to please never contact me again as it took a lot of work to sort through everything he had done to me and I didn't want to relive it. At that point I decided that I had better accept that I was going to live a life as an HIV positive gay man. Even with that it took me another three months to break down enough to go get tested. I called my dad on my lunch break one day and just totally broke down on the phone with him. I told him everything that had happened and he agreed to fly in as soon as the AIDS center where I was involved was doing there testing and we would go together and get tested and move forward.
The day of the test came and my dad was by my side and to my amazement, the test came back negative. That day can easily be considered the best day of my life. I learned how much my dad loved me and also that I was being given a second chance to make smarter decisions.
At the center on the nights that they do testing they also give safe sex and behavioral counseling. That night and since I have taken responsibility for what happened. It really does take two to tango and I am not just some victim. I learned about the consequences of traveling and being away from your friends and also under the influence of alcohol and how it causes things like this to happen a lot. We talked about condoms and lube and all of your typical safe sex stuff. Before you leave they have you sign your safe sex plan that you make together. When they asked me what I was going to do to avoid this in the future I joked "Never have sex again". Even though I wasn't serious, they didn't even laugh because I guess a lot of people say this and it isn't a realistic game plan which I totally agree with.
Since then, that statement of never wanting to have sex again has become somewhat true for me. I am scared to death to have sex. I am usually a bottom and I just feel so vulnerable. My reason for this post has two purposes Part of it was therapeutic to just put it all out there as I haven't talked to anyone about it except my dad and the AIDS center case worker. The other part is I would like some advise on how to have a healthy sex life and not feel like I'm risking my life every time. I know the obvious answer is to use a condom but for some reason it just doesn't put my mind at ease. I have heard so many stories of them breaking and just not working like they should. Thank you for reading my story. Any input would be appreciated.

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Reged: 10/25/10
Posts: 1131
Loc: GA, USA
Re: How to move forward new
      #271113 - 03/13/13 06:35 PM

Try talking to an actual therapist. It's pretty obvious that your issues run deeper than just safe sex practices. There is nothing anyone here can tell you in a few back and forth exchanges that are going to help. It took you months/years to get to this point and your asking for an easy fix.

If you don't trust people and you don't trust the status quo of safe sex practices then there is really only one other option besides a therapist; don't have sex period.

It's your choice. Therapist on one hand, no sex on the other. You need to ask yourself which is more important. Your ego or having healthy relationships. Your call.

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Reged: 05/18/12
Posts: 570
Loc: Europe
Re: How to move forward new
      #271117 - 03/13/13 10:25 PM

I think you can enjoy your sex life as long as you use condoms for everything. And when I mean everything I mean also oral sex.

For anal sex, use plenty of lub and don't forget to grab the condom from the base before pulling it out. Some people also put water in condom after sex to see if there's not any "hole". This makes certain people more comfortable and secure that everything went OK.

Take care.

Oral Sex: What's the Real Risk for HIV?

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Reged: 03/15/13
Posts: 21
Re: How to move forward new
      #271147 - 03/15/13 01:22 PM

Hey buddy ! I am 21 & I would just like to say your post has REALLY gave me a little hope ! You can read my post "5 minutes 5 months anxiety" at the top of the forum somewhere. I havent gotten tested yet but i had a 1st time slip up at a bath house unprotected. I hope i have that "beginners luck" or whatever it is you call it lol but more importantly I hope God has it in his plans that i am healthy and that this was just a scare to make us be more cautious ! But once again thanks for the post it really did help / inspire!

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Reged: 03/12/13
Posts: 3
Re: How to move forward new
      #271221 - 03/19/13 05:39 AM

I am glad that I could help. Good luck! I totally understand where you are. Whatever the result, you should know that you will be fine. In the process of all that I went through I learned about some really great people who live with HIV and are accomplishing the kind of goals I hope to someday. I think waiting in anxiety can be damaging in and of itself to your mental health. I wish I had known that it doesn't "transmit" every time and I might have been braver to go sooner and get tested.

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