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HIV Transmission and Education >> Am I Infected?

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worriedworried
Newbie

Reged: 06/21/12
Posts: 9
my story
      #265216 - 08/03/12 12:52 PM

Hi Everyone,

I want to thank everyone here for all of your time and selfless help. This site has been my best friend at times and worst enemy- sending me into a sprial of worrying and sleepless nights assessing my risks, past partners, and wondering if I am infected.

Almost 3 years ago, I cheated on my boyfriend (who I thought wasn't treating me right, etc..) and began a 9 month relationship with someone who at times I thought I would end up marrying and being with forever. He is a doctor and super smart- and therefore thought nothing of our sex life- yes, we had unprotected sex... I ended up contracting HPV and found out through one genital wart. It was treated and has not returned (fingers crossed).. This led to our break up as I was so devasted and blamed him , etc etc... I ended up getting back with my boyfriend, realizing that my relationship with doc existed as a way to show me the "grass is not always greener" and vowed to work things out with my boyfriend (of almost 10 years)

I put everything past me and tried to move on with my life. I am now 31 happily with said bf and we are talking marriage! This year I had some health issues- bronchitis, h. pylori that failed inital eradication, and now rosacea... I have always been a worrywart- and my worrying has resurfaced. BTW, I was the one who pasted a few months ago about touching blood in bathroom... I have been obsessing over everything...

I cant seem to stop thinking that doc gave me HIV. I cant sleep at night. I cant function at work- I am afraid that I will lose my job if I dont start to focus and be "present". I have since called doc to ask if he has been tested at which point he has told me yes (but of course I dont believe him), he tells me I have a mental issue, and now refuses to take my calls and has threatened a restraining order on me. I have gone as far as calling him and telling him I have tested "inconclusive" to see what he answers me... wow, this is the first time I say all of this out loud... I see him online dating, happy in facebook, etc.. I wonder how he could be living his life like this while I am so sick and devasted?!

I am miserable and am too afraid to take the test. I took one back in 2008 (neg) and hate myself for taking a risk after my second chance at life.

Anyway, today I went for my annual OBGYN appt. My doc asked if I wanted to test and I said I was too scared to- she said, "Fine, we wont test then. Test when you are ready, I dont want you haveing anxiety over this." I told her I have anxiety over this everyday... So she said "We are going to put an end to this anxiety once and for all, Im testing you."

In a mattter of minutes, I hazily sat at the blood draw chair and had my blood drawn- I asked my GYN what she was drawing blood for and she said, "youll find out on Monday". I have known her for 12 years and realize that she was helping me put my anxiety at ease.

I took a sneak at the paper and saw HIV, HCV, and RPr(dont know what that is)..

Anyway, I cant explain the tremendous amount of relief I felt walking out of office. I felt like I am finally going to know and put this worrying past me. While I feel my anxiety rise when I think about "what if I am positive? How will I eplain this to everyone", I try to shut that out and keep myself busy.

I am really nervous, but it is a different kind of nervous- not the debilitating nervous I had up until this morning... Anyway, I just needed to vent and post this in case anyone else feels like me. I realize how helpful it is to read other's experiences... I am def going to write back on Monday and let you all know how I did. In the meantime, I wish you all love and health.

PS- I know this sounds retarded after my post, but can anyone assess my risk for having HIV? Is rosacea a symptom if I was?? I am really worried about that.

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kicker
Moderator

Reged: 10/25/10
Posts: 1130
Loc: GA, USA
Re: my story new
      #265220 - 08/03/12 06:02 PM

Rosacea is a common skin ailment. It's the same as eczema. Can be caused by many things and isn't really any type of health risk. Sure it's unpleasant and can lead to infections if the skin is scratched but of and to itself it's not anything more major than dry skin.

How rosacea equals HIV infection is beyond me. In fact I can honestly say I haven't met a single HIV person with rosacea. Living in Atlanta I have met quite a few. Some recently diagnosed and some positive for 25+ years. Plus if rosacea was a sign of HIV infection then the 25+ million people who suffer from it in the US would all be positive and not know it.

Hopefully when you get your negative results on monday you will seek mental health counciling for your anxiety disorder. Plus you should also educate yourself by learning the facts about HIV from a trusted source such as an ASO or public health clinic rather than google.

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worriedworried
Newbie

Reged: 06/21/12
Posts: 9
Re: my story new
      #265221 - 08/03/12 08:10 PM

Hi kicker, I appreciate your response. I also would like to add that my derm said I had some seborrheic dermatitis as well. He said they go hand in hand... I'm trying not to psyche myself into thing the seborrhea is HIV related but can't help but think... How late into the infection would sd show?

Anyway, thanks so much for responding.. I realize I do have anxiety and am already working on an appointment. My first step in beating this is getting the test- blood drawn no turning back now... And next step is counseling.

I think this stems from watching the Spanish news as a ver young child in the kitchen while my grandmother babysat me in the early 80s. They have the most graphic visuals and stories - just turn on univision around 5-7 pm and you'll see what I mean.. Things children should NOT be watching. And in Spanish always made it sound so much scarier... I still have these visuals to this day.

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kicker
Moderator

Reged: 10/25/10
Posts: 1130
Loc: GA, USA
Re: my story new
      #265223 - 08/03/12 08:50 PM

Any skin condition can happen to anyone positive or negative. The simple fact of the matter is HIV positive people tend to be healthier, eat better, and excerise more than the general population. So your theory that positive people develop skin problems and the such is ludicrous at best.

I mean would you say a hang nail is HIV related? How about a tooth ache? Or yawning? Skin problems are just as common as those. Why don't you try doing something constructive that takes a lot of mental concentration. And when you start to wander to the what ifs go for a walk or play a game.

Do not spend all weekend online or on this site. Find something fun and time consuming. That will be much more healthy and productive than bugging us with nonsense.

This will be the last time I answer your post. I suggest others not help you feed your anxiety as well.

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worriedworried
Newbie

Reged: 06/21/12
Posts: 9
Re: my story new
      #265224 - 08/03/12 08:58 PM

Did not mean to offend you or anyone... Thanks and best wishes.

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worriedworried
Newbie

Reged: 06/21/12
Posts: 9
Re: my story new
      #265311 - 08/06/12 03:07 PM

I hate it when I read people' s posts and they rant, unload, and never return. Leaving the reader to wonder what the outcome of the distress was all about.. I received my results today and negative for HIV!!

I can't stress enough how finally getting the test was a load off my chest The hour before receiving my results was extremely stressful, to say the least, but NO MORE than the anxiety I felt before having the courage to get my blood drawn.

PLEASE FOR THOSE OF YOU WORRYING, YOU WILL FEEL BETTER ONCE YOU KNOW. I even felt that in the event it did come out positive I would be less stressed than not knowing. The test DOES NOT give you HIV. Just assure yourself that you will feel better once you know and do it.

Thanks everyone for your kind words. Stay safe and good luck

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