I am at a dark place, Getting ready... - TheBody.com's Bulletin Boards

I don't know if my story is unique or just another hetero sexual man causing trouble for their loved ones.

I am sorry to post here post, without actually getting confirmed 100% But I know I have HIV, I felt it from the early stages where acute period has started.

almost a month and half ago, I went out and cheated on my beautiful girlfriend, my appetite for lust overpowered my logic and my good deeds to that point, I always had a sexual urge, but I also had a beautiful, loving, caring girlfriend, that I was afraid to lose, I was never cheating her love, her mentally, she was the only person I cared and I loved, she knew that, I knew that, but it happened and the condom came out during the sex, only to start to push me to a dark place.

this is the real first time I can get myself together and write to people, from the experience and on, what happened is I had a chest/nipple cist like the 5th day of the exposure, that got infected right away, and we went to doctors with my girlfriend, I didn't think anything of it, I was already in denial mode about my encounter with that random lady that I didn't know, and I never knew.

dermatologist, gave me some antibiotics, but I was also having some form of urine burn/specially when I pee, and I went to a urologist, urologist took urine sample, and gave me another standard antibiotics, since I thought that was more important that the cyst (and the cyst on my nipple felt much better after dermatologist cut the infection out and cleared it) I just took the medication for urine, and it went away like 3 days, I was feeling better, although continuing my antibiotics, I thought mentally and physically I was going back to normal, within 10 days after my exposure.

I was avoiding my girlfriend, more than the guilt (since I was in denial of the incident mentally) I was afraid to harm her, my friends used to say if you ever cheat your girlfriend she would never forgive you. that made me just stay and try to get back to normal life. and my urologist called me to tell me everything came out fine from my urine test, Gonorrhea and chlamydia check, I was relieved, my sleepless days over, I made love to my girlfriend...

I could never not make love to my girlfriend, because I truly didn't want to lose her at a heart beat. but only if I knew what could come out from these mistakes after mistakes.

then about 2.5 weeks into the exposure I started to feel like there was a cyst in my testicle, went back to the same urologist, who actually confirmed with ultrasound, that there is a little sack being formed on my left testicle about 2.5-3 week into it, he gave me no meds, just simple old school stuff to do like sitz ups and etc. I wasnt sure what was going on, until after 2 days from that, and about after 3 weeks after my exposure I hit with this very strange jetlagged, tiredness, that haunted at me after waking up one weekend, my girlfriend was with me and we were riding our bikes that day, I was a little distracted thru the early hours, but afterwards I just couldnt take it, as I felt something was starting up in my body, almost like a rewiring feel, and the next day which was a Sunday, things got even worse, my mental stability, and my anxiety levels been effected about the guilt and what could happen if I have something and passed on to my loved on.

that night, Sunday night, lymph nodes got swollen in the course of an hour, headache and night sweats came like a storm, body aches made me scared, and I told my girlfriend we need to take a HIV test the next day.

She got suspicious but she never gave a chance of me being unfaithful behind her back, I just said I want to make sure.

the next day Monday we went, and took the test, I knew the initial test about antibodies, that only checks 3 months and prior would come out clean, because it was just too soon, and it did, but I was still feeling sick and my body was reacting, my liver also, in the abs area started to feel extra large and tender.

this test, we took, was about 10 days ago. Monday. and from 2-3 days prior to that till now I never had any sexual contact with my girlfriend, but the guilt was multiplying inside, possibly with the virus itself.

I started to enter my dark mode, suicidal thoughts, breakdowns in quiet nights, in the kitchen, pacing in the apartment without waking my girlfriend up, she was worried, but she was having an extra busy week at work so she couldn't put her finger on it, from that early week monday we took the test, till thursday I started to go crazy, as my body picked up pace with all the strangeness happening, called random counselors, help lines I could find, talk to them, break down, got myself up, do few things and break down again, everyday when she wasn't around I smelled her clothes, looked at our photos.

On that thursday night, 3 days after we took the test, I told her about what I did thats getting me worried, that I cheated with someone random. and that I am worried, and specially worried about her.

she broke down, she was angry, she felt so faked, questioning her sincerity towards me and how I betrayed her, and then even unknowingly put her to risk, but I broke down so bad that night once more that I couldn't even find words to describe her how I felt, and how I have been in this dark place, without a sleep in 4-5 days, pretending I was asleep. I broke her heart, I really broke my first real relationship into pieces, and I became suicidal, but only to tell myself, after the blood test, because you have to wait, you have to face up to what you have done.

so after thursday we were together, but she had thoughts, she was never really worried about stds before, she was hurt by my actions more than what may come out from it,

this was last thursday, we spent a weekend, for the first time I slept the night I told her, I woke up the next morning as if I woke up from a coma, my blood sugar went down I think I feel like fainting as soon as I woke up, she made me drink apple juice, that whole day my body was trying to somehow adjust to something, and the rewiring continued, and for the first time my teeth when I brushed felt like it was giving away, dropping its white texture, (since then it happens everytime I brushed)

I just feel that not just the virus, because of my anxiety and mental levels, its effecting body even more than it is supposed to be in these last days,

we had an easier weekend just last weekend, I told my best friend and we all hung out like we used to when I first met my girlfriend, of course we couldn't tell anyone else really, sunday night I was able to stay up to 12 for the first time,

everyday I was praying that she gets away clean, and I will do my best to slowly ease out from her life, I just hope the best, only the best for her, but part of my mind giving me extra guilt, telling me she has it and you will suffer even more because of your mistakes...

right now even typing these words make me cry, I tried to keep my hopes up, until yesterday my little girl messaged from work that she felt so sleepy so tired all of a sudden,

I collapsed when i saw the text, saw the message again, my anxiety came up, and I was able to get few stuff for her from the grocery to cook, she took the day half off, and came early, she never mentioned about hiv, we were still waiting for results, so she didnt say anything, she wanted to rest, I had some food ready for her, we ate that, we hugged, I didn't break down into tears, I try to hold myself strong, this was just yesterday

we went to bed real early like 8, I made sure she slept comfortably thru the night, I watched her sleep, I watched her breath, all night, in my thoughts, holding her, this beautiful girl, came close to get up and go to kitchen again to break down, but I stayed, I couldn't do that every day anymore, I thought about everyhing we have been thru in our 1 year relationship, and I prayed again (not much of a religious person, but being in the dark corner, and almost suicidal, with a little hope that she may be okey, thats only thing I can do)

we woke up early this morning, she mentioned she still felt tired after all that sleep, and her throat was very dry, I had some water for her, and some strawberries, that I think helped her a bit, then I saw this little red rashy dot on her left leg when I was driving her to work,

right now I am at that dark place again, our last day to get our test results that will include all the results is Friday, today is Wednesday, I don't know what Tomorrow will bring, But I am only able to talk to you guys, I am so troubled, I am so helpless for the first time in my life, part of me tells me I need to stay strong, even with this much burden I have been causing, to the person that I love the most. part of me is already lost, somewhere in some dark corner, waiting to pull the trigger, waiting to switch off my mental self, I have no extra money, jobless for months, no insurance, but not only I spoiled my life, which at this stage I feel senseless about, but changing her life like this, I can't think straight,

I am in california, Los Angeles area, if anyone wants to talk I wouldn't mind, specially anyone with experience...

thank you for listening
Troubledguy

Post Extras: Remind Me!