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HIV Transmission and Education >> Am I Infected?

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TrueOptimist
Member

Reged: 05/23/10
Posts: 21
My boyfriend tested hiv+ i think he gave it to me.
      #250429 - 05/23/10 04:09 PM

This has been a true nightmare,one that I always kind of thought I would be in and one that for some reason I honestly didn't seem to care much for,one that I thought I could handle,apparently I was very wrong.Now that I am in this situation I am going crazy because I have realized this is not what I want,never was,I made this mistake one too many times, and now I think there is no going back.The man that I have been sexually active with for the past 3 months just tested hiv positive.I tested hiv negative but I have a gut instinct that my status will eventually change obviously since we have had unprotected sex about 3 or 4 times.I just graduated high school, I am 19 years old,trying to find myself and be real in a fake world and that can be so hard,so hard that i gave up and looked for a distraction,one that now has cost me my health,my life.I trusted him,and he trusted in the negative test result he got last year.I didnt love myself enough to protect myself and he obviously cared more for his nut than anything else at the moment,I understand for I am male as well.We never thought this could happen for some reason,he is 28 years old,he is sexually active,he is a beautiful person,but so am i and I will never forgive myself for not realizing that,for hating myself so much to the point I let someone use my body,someone who has this,now I think I have it.I am scared.People say there are factors that can lead to me being negaitve but I will only know in 3 more months,deep inside I can hope and pray but I think I have it,I hope I don't,but i think i do.I am so scared.

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Jackie__Blue
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Reged: 01/20/07
Posts: 1186
Re: My boyfriend tested hiv+ i think he gave it to me. new
      #250431 - 05/23/10 07:09 PM

I'll save the lecture because you while you sorely deserve one, I'm betting you've said it all to yourself anyway, but you're a year younger than my youngest and I have the urge to slap sense into you.....but shit happens and all we have to deal with is now.

While the CDC still goes by 3 months as conclusive, medical science has thankfully moved faster than a government agency. If you receive a negative at 6 weeks, it's highly unlikely that you will test postive after that. 3 months is conclusive, but these days very, very, very few test positve at 6 weeks. Many more progressive countries and a few states that have their act together state 6 weeks is conclusive.

If you continue your relationship with your boyfriend (biting my tounge, biting my tounge, biting my tounge) you should certainly use condoms for intercourse and be tested periodically for HIV as part of your routine health care.

Good luck to you.

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TrueOptimist
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Reged: 05/23/10
Posts: 21
Re: My boyfriend tested hiv+ i think he gave it to me. new
      #250438 - 05/24/10 12:41 AM

It actually makes me feel happy to read how you are writing to me.I am happy that you are empathetic towards me and say what you are saying,im thankful.This was a mistake that I have committed,I have delt with thinkign i was positive 2 other times,and now i actually could be.Its not that i want this,it just seems as though i cant control it.When I was very young I was repeatedly molested by my male cousin and ever since it is as if I am addicted,I only feel beautiful and human when I allow a man to use my body for his pleasure.Other than that I feel like a waste,that would explain my behavior.I regret it,I know i am not a waste,but its hard to live in this society that is so egocentric and unrealistic,when i try to be myself i am afraid that ill be judged so i shut down and go back to being nothing,feeling like a waste when i know im not.and then something like this happends.I need help,i dont want this.I am still scared i have it.I have never been with a woman before,I wanted to,i want to have kids.I want to change. I want to be me.

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Jackie__Blue
Legend

Reged: 01/20/07
Posts: 1186
Re: My boyfriend tested hiv+ i think he gave it to me. new
      #250441 - 05/24/10 05:53 AM

You're 19 and have more baggage than a middle age bald man. Find yourself a mental health professional you are comfortable working with and work on some of your issues. If you don't things won't change and you will keep putting yourself at risk......if not this time, then one of these days your test won't be negative.

While there have been great steps in controlling HIV, that's all it is; steps. Eventually HIV is gonna win. Either because of the medications that will cause heart and liver issues from long term use, or by the OI's if you don't commit to the medications, and the slowly losing of one's mind because HIV attacks the brain even when a person is on medications, so while you might live a full lifespan, it won't be a quality one.

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bostontexguy
Member

Reged: 09/10/09
Posts: 11
Re: My boyfriend tested hiv+ i think he gave it to me. new
      #250464 - 05/24/10 09:58 PM

I wish it was as easy as telling you not to worry but it's not. I've been there on more than one ocassion for reasons which involved stupidity on my part. This is what helped me and it may work for you: 1. Stay connected to this site. Esmerelda is tough but she is honest and sometimes we need to hear the message more of a slap in the face type of way. There are some good people here who want to help. Consider me one of them. 2. If there is someone you trust tell them what you are going through. If there isn't someone you trust depending on where you live there are some good anonymous resources you can reach out to. 3. Stay busy and keep doing the things you like. Go to a movie. A two hour break is worth a lot right now emotionally. 4. Know you are going to be okay no matter what the results are. Whatever has happened has happened and the sooner you find out one way or the other the sooner you can do what you need to. I was getting high and now I try and remember what it felt like to be scared and it has helped to minimize what I do. 5. Love yourself!

I'll be checking this posting so let me know how you are doing. And I know others will be there for you. I'm rookie and will do the best I can. Peace.

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TrueOptimist
Member

Reged: 05/23/10
Posts: 21
Re: My boyfriend tested hiv+ i think he gave it to me. new
      #250469 - 05/25/10 01:43 AM

thank you for your time and empathy,yeah she is tough but i like that about her thats what i need someone honest.thank you so much im glad to hear from someone.

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