Please Stop the Nightmare! HELP!! (very long) - TheBody.com's Bulletin Boards

This is very long but I need to tell my story as I am living an absolute nightmare right now. Been a very healthy straight man all of my life but have had some on again off again sex addiction issues where I acted out with men. I have learned through therapy that this acting out stems from my childhood molestation and wanting to punish myself.

I have never felt sicker physically or mentally in my life as I do right now. My life is in total crisis and I need HELP. 98% of my acting out contacts have been "oral on me" which puts me in a very low risk area, but there were 2 times in my life where I went into a higher risk situation. I am almost certain I have HIV right now, but my test results have me very very confused. I have seen sooooooo many doctors/counselors/specialists who tell me I am 100% fine and most of this stuff is Somatic and stress related, but I am far from being fine. Some of what I am going through could also be symptoms of PTSD, but again... most of it isn't. Obviously I am PRAYING for a miracle right now but the physical evidence is too strong for me to believe that I am going to make it through this with my health intact. :(

I am 33 and had 3 contacts between July (1) and August (2) of this year, the contact in late July being the one I am the most worried about. Aug 20th was my last contact.

About 1 week after my last contact I developed a pretty significant red rash on my right leg that I got rid of with Neosporin...took about a week or so to go away.

Then I woke up on Aug 30th with some small red sores on my penis, very painful and sensitive to touch. MAJOR PANIC. Went to a skin doctor and he gave me some antibiotic cream and they went away after a few days.

Sept 1st I developed a strange flu-like illness that didn't make me vomit or anything...it just gave me the sweats/chills and my temp went up a little bit. Took Tylenol PM to go to bed and that worked fine.

Went in for a swab test same day - NEG

Sept 2nd...flu like symptoms come back in the afternoon...MORE PANIC. But the really scary thing is that I immediately felt like something strange had entered my brain.

ABOUT 2 WEEKS SINCE LAST CONTACT

Sept 3rd go in for ALL STD tests and PCR HIV test with a Urologist....all NEG

Next few weeks I have...

* EXTREME insomnia. No matter what I took to sleep, it didn't
matter. Almost like I was being shocked awake.
* Feeling like i have bugs/worms crawling in my brain (is this
normal with initial HIV infection?). Feelings calmed down with
Xanax..about 3 pills per day.
* Feeling like I had something attacking me from the inside. Almost
like I had eaten a bad hit of LSD laced with poison
* Sweats during the day and especially sweaty palms
* Feeling disconnected from reality / mild hallucinations / Trouble
concentrating/remembering things
* Extreme tiredness for a few days
* Some blood in my stool (this happened about 6 times in the last 2 months.... gastro guy found a small hemerroid and bleeding has stopped since ive used cream)
* Urinary issues (go too much... or feeling like I had to go, but couldn't)
* Strange little sores in my cheeks that looked like canker sores, but did not hurt at all and went away quickly. This has happened a few times in the last 2 months. Most of the sores are more like little black spots.
* Pimples that broke out on my upper back, neck and shoulder blades (could be stress related for sure)
* Strange little red rashes/splotches that would appear for an hour or two, then go away (stress or maybe not)
* Some dry skin patches (psoriasis?) on my arms

3 WEEKS LATER and 5 WEEKS SINCE LAST CONTACT

Go back in for PCR test #2 with same Urologist which he says is definitive after 5 weeks since last exposure.... NEG.

I feel very happy and clear headed for most of the day, then the Neurological/Brain issues come back. F*CK! I see a Neurologist and get an MRI, and he says my brain is 100% fine.

Few more weeks pass by...

* Waking up feeling like my arms and legs were completely numb (like when you fall asleep on an arm)
* More being "shocked" awake
* Some night sweats
* Recurrence of one tiny blister on penis that is sensitive but goes away after 4 days (this happened when I was in a mental hospital for nervous breakdown....great timing)

I go see a Psychiatrist and I am now on a regimen of Wellbutrin, Seroquel, Gabapentin and less Xanax than before (2 pills a day instead of 3)

6.5 WEEKS SINCE LAST CONTACT

I say F it and take my 2 previous test results from Urologist and go find an Infectious Disease Specialist at the best hospital in LA.

Tested again for all STDs and PCR, DNA/RNA, T-Cell count, etc. Again all tests NEG and the T-Cells are normal (1000-ish)

Last few weeks have gone by....

* Have had some kidney/lower back pain in the last few days
* Still wake up feeling numb in body
* about 6 hours of sensitivity on tip of penis that went away
* Still have some night sweats but much less frequent
* Still have days feeling disconnected from reality and the same memory issues, mild hallucinations, etc.

Now my confusion has to do with the fact that I thought these new PCR tests were 99% accurate. Its not like I am hoping for a positive result, but I just don't understand how nothing was picked up considering everything I have been through in the last 2 months. I know that there is a window period and I need to get tested again in a few weeks (3 month mark) and again at 6 months. But then what is the point of taking a PCR test when its supposed to let you know early if you are infected? I guess the HIV antibody test is the only way to REALLY know whats wrong with you. If they still come back NEG at 3 and 6 months and I STILL feel sick, then I have some horrible mystery STD and I might as well jump off of a bridge.

I just want this nightmare to end and if there is a god out there, please please please have mercy on me. Every single time I have to wait for a test result I see my entire life flash in front of me and i have had to endure this 3 times now. Absolutely Horrible. I can't take the mental stress and agony any longer. I just want to feel better and be spared. Its like I am living the Sex Addiction version of Requiem for a Dream.

So again GOD, if you are out there...PLEASE HELP ME!

Edited by losangelesman (11/05/09 01:36 AM)

Post Extras: Remind Me!