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HIV Transmission and Education >> Am I Infected?

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ophelia
Newbie

Reged: 05/03/09
Posts: 2
very upset
      #245640 - 05/03/09 09:49 PM

I can't believe I am even going through this. I feel like this is an out of body experience. I am a 28 year old female. I am newly married, but have been with my husband for the past 5 years. We have sex just about every other day, never used a condom (he has had a vasectomy).
okay. The reason I am here is the symptoms I just started having. The very first thing that happened was that I started having very bad stomach bloating/ diarrhea/loose BM's almost daily, and abdominal pain. I've had an abdominal/ transvaginal ultrasound, a cat scan of the abdomen and pelvis, and a colonoscopy all come out fine. I also had a CBC and a stool test for parasites, etc. Both of those came back normal as well. So I've had all these GI symptoms for no reason. Then, about a month later, I started having a constant feverish feeling and night sweats every single night for the past two weeks. I've also felt an aching in the lymph nodes under my armpits, but I have not noticed any swelling. I also have almost constant fatigue and just a general "sick" feeling. Totally unlike me. I was not even thinking about HIV until the night sweats/tiredness/lymph node feeling. Truthfully, I have not thought much about hiv at all over the past years of my life.
okay- here's the problem. This is going back many years. I am really wracking my brain here to remember these things as it has been so long and I have not thought about these things for many many years because until now I deemed them insignificant.
I have not had many partners. The first partner I had- I was his first as well I am completely sure of this. We used condoms every time, and there weren't that many times. Never had one break. I was 15. This is the problem- My second partner I did not know too well. This second partner I had when I was 15 also. probably around 1996. A girl I went to high school with introduced me to her cousin. I was angry at my first boyfriend for dumping me, so I had sex with this guy. We did use a condom, the thing is, it slipped off inside me and we did not know it (at least I did not know it) until we were finished and it was all jammed up inside me and I had to pull it out. I'm sure he knew but of course like most young guys did not want to say anything about it. Of course he came in me, while the condom was off, technically, and all jammed up there. We fooled around a few more times, mostly oral sex going both ways. My main fear at the time of course, was pregnancy not HIV. I should mention that this guy was quite a bit older than me (he was 18). Other then that I don't remember much about him, just his first name and that he was a troublemaker and his mom kicked him out, that's why he stayed with his cousin. I do remember that when the girl who introduced us found out we had sex, she was pretty mad. We got in a big fight and I remember her saying something about aids, like "what if you have aids now" or something like that, but of course I brushed it off at the time. I just thought she was a lunatic. Okay, so after that I did not have another partner for many many years, maybe age 22. This was also protected with a condom and it was three times. After that, I was in a relationship with a woman for a year which only consisted of oral sex going both ways. Then I met my husband and have been with only him since age 24, unprotected vaginal sex and all forms of oral sex, never anal.
I sadly never gave hiv a second thought until now. I am thinking back though, and I realize some things that now make sense and point in the direction of me being infected and probably having full blown aids now. I don't remember having "seroconversion" symptoms after that possible exposure, but I do remember having a pretty bad illness when I was in high school, a few months after being with that guy. I had a very high fever, musle aches and was bringing up massive amounts of green phlegm. It resolved just like any other illness. My senior year in high school I developed pink eye in both eyes. No big deal I just got the meds and that fixed it. the year after that I had a very bad yeast infection. I remember being away on vacation in NYC at the time and I went to the nearest ER because it was so bad. It hurt to walk. They treated me with a shot of something and it went away. Another strange thing that happened around that time was, I woke up one morning and had 20 or more of those tiny little sores in my mouth. I don't know if they are called "canker" sores or what but one day, suddenly, there were lots of them. I just went to my doctor and he gave me some gel to put in my mouth and they went away. Over the years I've had a few more yeast infections but not what I would consider "excessive" or "frequent" ones. also, I have been on and off the birth control pill several times and the infections seemed to coinside with starting/stopping the pill, which I was told by my gyn was normal due to hormonal shifts. All my yearly pap tests for the past 13 years have come back normal, as have my CBC's over the years. I've also had one UTI. Basically, I've been in good health for the past 13 or so years since the possible exposure, besides the little health "episodes" I've mentioned. The more I think about them though, the more they seem like things that would indeed happen in someone with a suppressed immune system. And, over the past year, I've developed a facial rash type thing that sort of looks like rosacea but after doing research I have myself conivinced it's mollescum contagiosum. I'm also convinced my tongue looks white and that I have leukoplakia, but the biggest concern is the debilitating fatigue and night sweats/daily diarrhea and change in bowel habits. I have of course talked with my husband about this but he things I am nuts and need to go to therapy. Basically he is not concerned in the least bit that I or he has HIV but it all makes too much sense. He's telling me that I would have been MUCH sicker with SOMETHING by now 13 years post exposure (he is a nurse), but I know that sometimes it does take that long. And it fits right in with converting from HIV to AIDS. I've read that when you start getting into later HIV you get the night sweats/fatigue/Diarrhea. I guess I've just been lucky that I've gone 13 years as I've read the norm is more like 8-10. I don't know what I am looking for, maybe just a place to vent. I am wracked with guilt and sadness that I may have possibly infected the man I love with all my heart and soul. He has three young children from a previous marriage and It just kills me to think that I have ruined his life and infected him. I can't begin to explain the feelings that I am having because up until a month or so ago I was happy, healthy, full of life and honestly have not thought about hiv or aids at all, ever. I was living the life of my dreams until these mystery symptoms appeared which made me look back at my whole life and every little sickness or thing that has ever happened. I am also incredibly angry that I TRIED to protect myself by making that guy wear a condom and it CAME OFF and I got exposed to the virus when I was trying to do the right thing and be safe. I wish I had been tested back then, as then I would have known and would not have put the life of my husband or anyone else at risk. I have spoken to him, cried my fears, and he just things I am being silly. So now I am getting an hiv test and am going to find out that I have hiv after living 13 "normal" wonderful, beautiful years of life and I just need someone to talk to


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Net
Regular

Reged: 05/04/09
Posts: 39
Loc: Johannesburg, South Africa
Re: very upset new
      #245651 - 05/04/09 04:33 PM

Hi Ophelia,

All I can say is listen to your husband. He is right.

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