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HIV Transmission and Education >> Am I Infected?

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U_mushroomhaters
Regular

Reged: 05/13/08
Posts: 35
HIV obsessed
      #239579 - 05/29/08 08:47 PM

Some of you know me some of you hate me (probably deserved) I am obsessed with HIV and it has cost me EVERYTHING I love in life.It all started 3 1/2 years ago I had some unlikely exposures (oral and maybe a needle stick) about 6 months after that I got very sick could not get out of bed for 2 months oral thrush DR confirmed loose stools for months oral sores psoriases new moles and freckles skin changes just really falling apart and that is when the DR said the words that would begin my downward spiral " Maybe you should get a HIV test" Those words installed a fear into me like nothing has ever scared me before. I am still sick three years later without a answer (I am trying to be a part of a new NIH study of undiagnosed diseases so maybe there is some light at the end of my nightmare) I have let HIV destroy me and I do not even have it (most likely at least 13 or 14 HIV tests out to 23 months say I do not) My irrational fear has cost me my job my wife my health I have stressed yelled cried lost friends become distant from my children I AM A SHELL of my former self. Why would I let this take over my life lick this I am a somewhat well educated man with conman sense, yet I could not control my fear, and it has cost me dearly. You know what? People who have this disease are probably happier then I am. Do not let this happen to you. Get mental help fast if you start to fall into this trap. Do I have HIV? Well conman sense says no way not with all this testing, but still to this day I am not convinced. I am hopping if I get into this study that will change but there is a chance I will never find out what is causing my illness. Well back to my point I have lost three years of my life that I will never get back and my family job ect. If this post helps even 1 person realize what this obsession can do and to get help fast before you end up like me then it will be worth writing this because my story is a sad one and the worst part is I DID IT TO MYSELF.

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LondonLad
Member

Reged: 06/01/08
Posts: 13
Loc: London, UK
Re: HIV obsessed new
      #239634 - 06/01/08 09:31 PM

Sorry to hear the fear of HIV has taken over your life. As a positive person it does sound like you are having a harder time than me! I am sure that many positive people would agree that the virus has made them embrace life a little more.
Maybe you should explore other issues that maybe effecting you and your outlook on life, what jumped out for me was your first line where you say people would rightly hate you! You are only human and we all need to ask for help at times.
Hope you find some peace soon
Take care
London Lad

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uglyduck
Grand Master

Reged: 08/21/07
Posts: 157
Loc: Dominican Republic
Re: HIV obsessed new
      #239636 - 06/01/08 11:40 PM

Chis is that you... cuz that def sounds like you.. i see you're still obsess with hiv.. come on man.. you have to let it go...

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U_mushroomhaters
Regular

Reged: 05/13/08
Posts: 35
Re: HIV obsessed new
      #239647 - 06/02/08 12:31 PM

YES uglyduck it is me Badmushroom hated by many loved by few and all screwed up over HIV wounld not wish my life on anyone for it is SHIT

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U_mushroomhaters
Regular

Reged: 05/13/08
Posts: 35
Re: HIV obsessed new
      #239648 - 06/02/08 12:37 PM

LondonLad thanks for the reply I know I am having mental problems with this and need to move on thing is I have looked into other causes I have tested for everything under the sun (if I had as many needle sticking out of me as have been stuck into me I would look like a porcupine) It is the not having a answer that is tearing me up I guess it is because I am a yes or no personality there are no maybes in my book either the light is on or it is off no dimmer switch I just can not find the cause and it is a immune system type of problem (CMC Chronic candida) just does not happen for no reason

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Cobal
Master

Reged: 07/23/06
Posts: 136
Re: HIV obsessed new
      #239650 - 06/02/08 05:46 PM

Chris,
Sorry you have not found a root cause for your conditon, believe me I feel ya. But you are overlooking other things that can cause CMC. example would be cancer, smoking too much. Its also been linked with cronic fatigue syndrone. What ever is the root cause is not always hiv, its just that hiv gets the most attention. Have they tried to aggressive treatment? Because it is an infection of sort, your primary should consult with an ID doctor to help you determine the root cause. In my heart I feel that you ruled out HIV. Hope that you can move on with your life.

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U_mushroomhaters
Regular

Reged: 05/13/08
Posts: 35
Re: HIV obsessed new
      #239652 - 06/02/08 06:54 PM

thanks cobal you have always been really cool to me I hope you get your problems figured out too man

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Anthony25
Regular

Reged: 09/19/07
Posts: 26
Re: HIV obsessed new
      #239683 - 06/04/08 12:10 AM

Chris Bro,

I remember when I came on here 9 months ago in a panic and you were one of the first people to help ease my mind. It makes me sad to see what your obsession has done to you. Now it's my turn to share some advice bro, one, relax, you can have anything from unbalanced hormones, or even I'm still not ruling out the fact that it's stress. I have OCD and I was truely obsessed on this subject too, let me tell you what I did when I found out I was negative, I got back on med for OCD, and I started talking to a therapist, little by little the ailments that I MANIFESTED threw my own fears started to disappear, I think this is a road you have to take also. Chris, your a good guy, I hope you close this chapter in your life and start a new one, one with gratitude, without obsession, and with happier focus, let me tell you what my therapist told me, it's life works like a bank, the more you diposit something you don't like into a bank the more it will grow in time, so now it's time to start depositing something that makes you HAPPY into your bank, and keep depositing something happy, and it will grow to something even the more better. Take Care Chris, and good luck.

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U_mushroomhaters
Regular

Reged: 05/13/08
Posts: 35
Re: HIV obsessed new
      #239711 - 06/04/08 12:45 PM

Hey Anthony man I am glad to see you made it through it man thanks for the advice man. You and I know better but it just got a hold of me and wont let go I mean the odds of it being HIV border on infinite but man when your kids are involved it is just really scary well like i said ( and I hope it works ) even I have not found anyone or stories of anyone taking longer then 3 years so I am hopping this last test will bring some closure (But probably not since I am nucking futs LOLOLOLOL) naw I should be ok and get back to rebuilding my life If you would have told me five years ago that I would study HIV for three years I would have thought you where the crazy one thanks again man and keep in touch

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ktm990
Newbie

Reged: 06/05/08
Posts: 2
Re: HIV obsessed new
      #239720 - 06/05/08 06:12 AM

Hi Iknow how feel I was in IRAQ as a diver i stood on needle on quay freeked me out my wifes a nurse im str8 never messed her about that first happened 7 year ago Ihad a test which eased mind .The next episode was 5 year ago Iwas on duty in Somalia on UN duty a fight broke out between locaks at a food distrbution centre i grabbed a guy who was raiding truck we fought ,his blood landed on me when arrested he was arrested but spat at me calling me dead man this freeked me out the usual protocol was carried out test a few times all neg ,but this had been niggling me for since just last week i had op nurse cut herself on scalpel they took bloods for testing again starting that fire in the brain Ihave got tests back after a week of being a bag of nerves dunno why just was but all come back NEGATIVE Ithink its time to snap out of this and get on with life in my job my lovely wife but SOMEDAY I HOPE AND PRAY THAT CURE WILL BE FOUND GOD BLESS EACH AND EVERYONE

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Jackie__Blue
Legend

Reged: 01/20/07
Posts: 1186
Re: HIV obsessed new
      #239725 - 06/05/08 08:35 PM

It's not surprising you tested negative after each of those incidents. Blood on intact skin will not transmitted HIV. Spit does not transmitted HIV. The testing you had to go through was just precautionary, but not really necessary. I feel sorry for the nurse. Hopes she's OK.

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