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HIV Transmission and Education >> Am I Infected?

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Reged: 08/23/07
Posts: 81
Still Negative - And Worth Telling People
      #236221 - 02/04/08 03:17 PM

I'm a male from the UK. Six months ago, I went out of my comfort zone and did something very stupid (but, statistically, ridiculously low risk - we're talking a bit of frottage with a dominatrix/escort who was far less likely to be HIV positive than, say, a street crack whore). Anyway, I became concerned, became very, very physically ill, and was 110% convinced I had contracted HIV. And even though I refused to sleep with my (female) partner (and couldn't explain to her why) I freaked out here because she was starting to get ill. A LOT. I was obsessed with symptoms.

Three month test went by, and I was neg. A huge wait was lifted off my mind, but at the same time, I still doubted a bit.

GF and I wavered a bit, off and on partly because we'd naturally drifted apart, but also because of my strange behaviour. We split for a couple of weeks, lived together as housemates effectively. Not that we'd even shared a bed for months beforehand. I got drunk one night, pulled a girl I knew from work, and ended up sleeping with her. I insisted on no sex - we didn't have a condom. I wanted to be safe - hands only. Anyway, we were very drunk, and once we were actually in bed, things got a bit... oral.

Two weeks later, I touched my teeth for some reason, saw blood on my gums. Had a minor freak again.

I got ill. Girlfriend, now back together again, got ill. This is it, I thought. I had the worst time of my life, I'm an agnostic but someone upstairs has nevertheless given me a favour, and now I've blown it.

But I haven't. I still have a bit of a cough. I still get the odd ache. But it's not HIV seroconversion, because it's six months since my first incident, and three months since the second. I'm still neg, despite all those symptoms, and I've been lucky. I'll never take a risk again, I think - which will give me serious hang-ups for the rest of my (sex) life... but I can't handle that fear any more. Best to be careful... it's very sad that a lot of careful people make one mistake and pay the price by infection, but people like me (I'm not the only one) need to know that (however tragically) they are still a minority. I regret being stupid, but I think I've paid a price and learnt a LOT more about something I was pretty ignorant about. Once again thank you for the support on these boards and good luck.

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