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never ending mystery,
      #22856 - 10/01/01 01:07 PM

It's over a year after risk exposure.
negative,negative,negative, about 20times.. I got.
but I have still symptons.(face dermatitis, body twitching,
diarrhea...etc),, really mystery negative results.
Maybe I have special DNA. or I must wait for 5th generation ELISA way.

Sorry all for my story,

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Re: never ending mystery, new
      #22858 - 10/01/01 04:51 PM

Have you been to a Dr.? Sounds like you are clearly negative. Maybe you need to move on.

Good luck,

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Reged: 10/26/00
Posts: 2028
Re: never ending mystery, new
      #22861 - 10/01/01 07:41 PM

Your negative results are no mystery. You don't have HIV.

What is a mystery is why you attribute your list of 'symptoms' as conclusive proof that you must, indeed, be positive.

While I'm sure those symptoms are annoying to you they are in NO WAY any kind of proof of anything. I don't even think dermatitis and twitching are even considered common symptoms for HIV in the first place and I am sure all 3 could be considered symptoms for numerous conditions.

Let go and move on.

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Re: never ending mystery, new
      #22864 - 10/02/01 04:08 AM

Two things: 1.) Why am I CONVINCED that your risk was very low? (By the way, what was it?), and .....\
2.) There is no way on hell that you have HIV .... you need to obsess on the other 5 million diseases!

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Re: never ending mystery, new
      #22865 - 10/02/01 07:02 AM

Not low risk. It was high risk(without condom).

A comprehensive medical testing was normal. SO I'M CRAZY.

Sorry, I'll leave here.

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Reged: 01/15/01
Posts: 103
Re: never ending mystery, new
      #22867 - 10/02/01 09:22 AM

I can relate to your obvious sense of despair at your situation, because you sound trapped and you feel there's nowhere you can turn in order to get reassurance. It sounds like your self esteem's taken a battering as well, judging by the fact that you feel you have to say sorry just for posting here.

The never ending mystery you refer to is presumably why you're still getting these symptoms despite all the negative tests. (Have you REALLY had twenty tests in a year? If so, maybe you should give the Guinness Book of Records a call. I just hope you haven't had to pay for all of them!)

It sounds like the mystery as far as you're concerned is why all the tests are negative when your symptoms have convinced you you're obviously HIV+.

Well I know what its like to keep having symptoms. Fifteen months on and I still get ongoing "symptoms". Mainly fatigue, skin problems, and I think my bowel movements will never be the same again. But the symptoms do ease, especially if you can come to some understanding about what's REALLY causing them.

It really does sound like you are trapped in a cycle of worrying and testing. You're worrying because the symptoms aren't going away and no-one can give you any convincing explanation of what's causing the symptoms, other than HIV. So the only thing you feel you can do is carry on testing. But each negative test, instead of reassuring you, probably makes you feel even worse. The worry and the symptoms go hand in hand and feed off one another. And if this has gone on for over a year, it can become more and more difficult to break the cycle. I had it for just over six months and that was bad enough.

First, you really do need to stop testing. Every test you have will be negative and this isn't going to help you. There's no way you can be HIV+, so you need to find a way to accept this and trust the negative tests, and also to trust the professionals who have doubtless told you you're fine as far as HIV is concerned, plus everyone here who's replied saying the same thing.

A lot of people here have a sudden release from their anxieties, quite rightly, when they get their three month negative test or whatever. However, this wasn't the case for me and I don't think that's going to happen for you either. I don't think you're going to suddenly wake up one day and be convinced you're negative. I think it will be more of a gradual realisation over time.

So the key is, what can you do to move towards this realisation, and the peace and recovery it will bring?

The symptoms aren't going to just go away today or tomorrow or next week, so maybe the thing to focus on and deal with is the fear and worry. What helped me was realising the profound effect on the mind and body that such a long-term feeling of anxiety, despair and isolation can have. It's not like any normal stress and so it doesn't match any description of stress and its symptoms which you might read about (other than the countless descriptions by people on this very board, some of whom have been "going" for up to a year or so longer than you, and all of whom, as far as I can remember, are completely HIV negative and always were).

Another possible way to help, especially after so long, is this; don't expect to get your old, pre-HIV anxiety life back exactly as it was. And be glad about it, because when you emerge from this, you'll be older, wiser and happier. I found that when I eventually came through, I'd learned and developed more in six months than I had in the previous six years of my life and there's no reason at all why you or anyone else can't be the same. The more you go through and the more you suffer, the more you ultimately develop as a human being, if only you can reach the point where you allow yourself to feel the benefit of it. This might sound obvious and simplistic, but isn't that what life should be about anyway?

But you also need support and help to do so, and one thing about HIV anxiety is that often people are denied this due to the whole stigma of HIV itself and the terrible self-imposed isolation it can cause. I managed to find help through a couple of excellent health professionals, plus a close family member who I could trust, plus I don't mind saying, some medication over a few months which really helped to give me some peace and take the edge of things for a while. Last but certainly not least, the Am I Infected board, without which God knows where I'd be now, even if I did annoy a load of people here early on! So again, don't apologise for posting here, its here for you as much as anyone else, and you've no idea how much you might actually be helping other people in a similar position to yourself to see that symptoms CAN be ongoing, even when you're so obviously HIV negative.

Other things, but no less important, are good diet, good rest and good exercise which you can manage without overdoing it. These things in time can at least get your body in a position to eventually be strong enough to recover.

P.S. YOU'RE NOT CRAZY. What you describe is an entirely normal physical and mental response to severe and ongoing stress. Please don't despair, because there is a way out, as many, many people have found, me included. I've tried to give you some ideas based on my own experiences and what I can remember from others. It really is up to you from here, but there are a lot of things you can do to help, and there are also a lot of people out there who can help. It WILL take time and its NOT easy, but you WILL come through this a better, happier and more peaceful person. Try and trust me on that one!

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what??? new
      #22868 - 10/02/01 10:58 AM

The only thing that will satisfy a person like you is a hiv positive result. I'm sorry if I'm harsh, but people like you seem to be disappointed with a negative result. Your symptoms could be for so many other things like cancer or stress. How do you know that they are hiv related? Are you a hiv specialist? If you indeed have special DNA, try donating yourself to science like now!!! Get a life and move on.

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Re: never ending mystery, new
      #22911 - 10/03/01 04:14 AM

KitG,, really thanks for your long letter. I can't say anything to you except it, sincerely.
I just envy you and others' realisation.
a timid personality and related my major,, getting me worse
severely. to look for realisation,, I'll try all my own.

God bless you

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