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when and what to tell your wife
#2267 - 04/04/00 07:51 PM
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Hello to all that are in the same boat
The messages here have been really helpful, calmed me down when I felt the lymph nodes on my neck enlarge for the first time and I almost panicked. You see, my encounter about 5 weeks ago was VERY risky - and VERY stupid as well. I had unprotected sex with a prostitute in Thailand. I've been torturing myself over this for the last 5 weeks but it can't be undone. It is difficult not to have an excuse. I was drunk, but this time, that is not an excuse.
Lymph node swelling started 2 weeks and 2 days after exposure and I almost freaked. Have a minor sense of a sore throat sometimes but so far, that is it. Certainly, no feeling of a "flu". But, given the risk and the symptoms, I know I have contracted hiv. It is too early to get a conclusive test, so I have to wait another month or so to get the confirmation.
What is the worst part is: I am married and have 3 small children. I have not told my wife yet - and have so far successfully avoided sex - because I feel I can only tell her when I KNOW (as opposed to highly SUSPECT) it by means of a positive test result. This will surely break up my marriage and family and I want to keep the family and current life as long as I can, even if it is just for another month. I'm even thinking about waiting with the test until January so that there can be one last unclouded christmas and a joyful millenium celebration - at least from my wife's perspective. And I can still do all this one last time with still a glimpse of hope. There is still a 5 % (or more ? or less ?) chance that this is all a bad dream and that I am learning a lesson the hard way. If this would (and I keep praying that it does) turn out to be a cup passed, then I cannot endanger my marriage by disclosing it NOW, can I ?
Has anyone been in this or a similar situation ? Is it ethically okay to tell a lie as to why I may have contracted hiv ? ("While on a business trip, some junkie attacked me with a needle whilst passing me on the street") Sometimes, I am close to falling apart. WHAT am I gonna do ? There is noone I can share this with.
I look forward to your comments and will probably advise how my story develops
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Dear Michael, I to am in the same boat. i'm married and just had a baby girl in OCT. our first...well her pregnancy started in Jan....and up until Aug. i was devoted..I was seeing a married woman..she had to stop seeing me in aug. due to breast implant surgery...so since she stopped seeing me...i wasnt getting sex at home..so either because i'm addicted to sex or because she wasnt that nice to me during the pregnancy..i dont know but it didnt give me the right to stray...i met this girl that had a live-cam website ..found out she was local but also, charged for sex..prostitute is a strong word but that's what she was. I saw her i guess for no strings attached...had unprotected on a couple occasions..which looking back was stupid...i guess i am addicted because one day she had a friend come over instead with her ii was protected but we both performed oral..thats why i posted a bulletin about the concern with contracting through oral sex......then she mover another girl took control of this sex house...and i did her to protected though i did perform oral on her...this was after i found out to be pos. with clymidia..i was cured..but when i found out i had to tell my wife to get checked out for my fear of transmitting it to her and in turn causing problems with the baby..this was in sept. this year she was pissed at me for risking all our lives she tested neg. ever since i fooled around i kept a distance from her sexually..to protect her especially since i had "the drip" only once in aug. did she give me oral.....i thought she might have contracted it but it wasnt enough to transmit plus i've been reading that clymidia is not transmitted orally....the baby was born in oct. healthy as can be...they stayed with me for three weeks..then i started to panic i had a fever blister...the house was hot here in california we had a hot oct....i had odd bowel movements..which was due to not eating right the last month (sept..due to tesing ) i started to get anxiety thinking that my foolish ways might have costed me my life..so she left to relatives house..shes been there for 2 weeks since nov. 1st now shes coming back home today..shges staying with me, shes the best woman out there this whole experience has taught me alot about being selfish and being self gratified though sex...its not all there is..theres life and children..and love i now go to church every sunday i found my faith i've lost it over the years..i've taken two tests since the contact..my second test came out neg. it was taken on nov. 8..i will still take A test in DEc. but i am rest assured that it was a lesson to be learned and i've been given a second chance at life to be a better husband and a wonderful father. i hope this helps anyone out there that's having thoughts about cheating or sleeping around..this goes out to you to "thankfulforyou"......bye GEO
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thankfulforyou
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GEO and all who are concerned,
My feelings are mirrored by yours. The anxiety, stress and waiting has also made me realize that I have taken EVERYTHING for granted. The love of a beautiful woman, my life, and most importantly, my committment to God. The feeling of self worthlessness is overbearing and the possibility of infecting someone with such unconditional love for me has sent me in a state of deep depression.
Being a Christian, I know this was my wake-up call, regardless of my results in a few days. I am trying to let go and put it in God's hands so that His will can rule the situation. I have leveled with my fiancee and am willing to accept the consequences. She has shown the utmost courage and strength and and I am supporting her as much as she will let me. If we work out in the future, (God willing), I know that I will be a changed person. If we don't work out, then I know I will be a changed person. This experience has also taught me to appreciate what I have and what other people have to offer. Love has been redefined to me through this ordeal and I know that I will keep this with me forever more. (Granted I will stumble and struggle, but not in this same manner and I know that I will have my higher power, God, to help me through.)
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Michael,
I posted "how to let go! Someone help me." If you read that you will see that I was/am in the same position as you are.
I SO MUCH feel for you. I totally understand. I AM a wife and I cheated on my husband. My experience wasn't as risky.. and it appears as though I am HIV negative. However, that doesn't mean the fear, guilt, absolute agony are not fresh in my mind.
First I want to say you shouldn't convince yourself you have it. I made myself very sick this way. Swollen nodes could be do to many things. You MAY have it but you also may NOT! I have seen it said that the odds of a man getting HIV from heterosexual sex is 1:300-1:1000. This is just what I have seen. Of course I am not a DR and of course heterosexual men DO get HIV sometimes. I just think you should not convince yourself that you have it.
Believe me, I know how terrified you are. I also have a 3yr old little girl. I think you should tell your wife. My husband already knew about the encounter but didn't know I was scared of HIV. He responded very well. I guess it depends on your wife. Maybe you could wait until after your first test? This is going to get harder and harder as you go... until you get the 6 month test results. I can't even believe those! I am on anxiety meds and in counseling.
Don't convince yourself until you have a reason. I have been through hell and would like to help someone to NOT go through that.
Will your wife surely leave you? Is there a chance she wont? I think she deserves to know, but as I said, know how hard it is.
Please write back. I will be thinking about you.
Casie
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Michael,
I was in just about the exact same situation this time last year. I'm married with 3 small children, and had a one-night stand with someone I later found out was/is an IV drug user. About a month later, I came down with all the symptoms of HIV: sore throat, swollen lymph nodes, night sweats, big weight loss, you name it. Coupled with finding out about her drug use, I was sure she had HIV, and that I now had it, too.
On top of it, my wife came down with shingles at about the same time, and with some of the same symptoms I had, too. I convinced myself I had HIV and that I passed it on to my wife. I had never been sick with symptoms like this, and having so many HIV symptoms after this one-night stand was too big a coincidence, as were my wife's shingles. I was terrified and suicidal - what had I done to my wife, my children, my marriage?
I waited until after Christmas to get tested because I wanted my family to have one last Christmas unburdened with this news. Guess what? I was negative. I tested again this summer (over 1 year later) and am still negative. My wife (who is now pregnant with our 4th child) was also recently tested as part of her pre-natal care and she's negative.
Obviously, I can't say you don't have HIV. If you really want to find out without waiting for an antibody test, go see a doctor who can order a PCR test if he/she also thinks you may have HIV. It's easy for me to say now. Faced with this same decision last year, I skipped the PCR test because I didn't want to know until after the holidays.
What you tell your wife about your affair is up to you. However, I wouldn't say anything about HIV because at this point, you don't know anything. I ended up NOT telling my wife about this whole matter. I chalked the whole thing up to one big lesson learned about my own limits.
Good luck. I hope your story turns out like mine.
JP
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Casie, Geo, JP et al,
Thanks for your supportive comments! I wish so badly I were in your shoes and tested negative but I have this peculiar feeling that I won't. I mean, I have had swollen lymph nodes for over three weeks now and no other signs of illness, so what else can this be but hiv ? Well, I can only wait and pray that when test day comes my result will be like yours. I will wait until three months have passed, so it'll be early January. I also decided not to tell my wife until after christmas and after my result is clear. What I do not yet know is whether I will tell her the truth about how I contracted hiv. I will need to get some counseling on that as I have no idea how to treat this issue and am afraid of treating it the wrong way, thereby destroying any possibility that she may stay with me after she finds out. Does anybody know a good number to call to get advice on such psychological matters ?
Thanks for reading my stuff and for thinking about me. You are in my thoughts, too.
Godd Bless you all. I'll keep you posted.
Michael
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Michael, don't worry to much other illnesses can cause lymph node swelling..the flu may be trying to get you...if you need help or want to talk to someone call the HIV hotline the number is 1(800)342-2437 they are available 24hrs a day 7 days a week. They might also know of counseling groups in your area on how to inform your wife. Or try searching on yahoo...go to yahoo health then infectious diseases then AIDS/HIV...theres alot of information there. try looking up support groups or personal experiences. I'm waiting for my result of nov. 19th's test it would put me in the clear for most of August's unsafe practises...there's only one left for month of aug. then there's one in Sept. where i used a condom for intercoarse but no protection when i performed oral on the female. I hopeing it all turns out well..if it does i want to try to speak to people about the dangers of unprotected sex. I'm not coming down with any prolonged symptoms...my lymph nodes never swelled up so i might just be worring because i didnt know these girls, and i caught cylmidia from one of them...i'm hoping thats all she had.
GEO
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Michael, don't worry to much other illnesses can cause lymph node swelling..the flu may be trying to get you...if you need help or want to talk to someone call the HIV hotline the number is 1(800)342-2437 they are available 24hrs a day 7 days a week. They might also know of counseling groups in your area on how to inform your wife. Or try searching on yahoo...go to yahoo health then infectious diseases then AIDS/HIV...theres alot of information there. try looking up support groups or personal experiences. I'm waiting for my result of nov. 19th's test it would put me in the clear for most of August's unsafe practises...there's only one left for month of aug. then there's one in Sept. where i used a condom for intercoarse but no protection when i performed oral on the female. I hopeing it all turns out well..if it does i want to try to speak to people about the dangers of unprotected sex. I'm not coming down with any prolonged symptoms...my lymph nodes never swelled up so i might just be worring because i didnt know these girls, and i caught cylmidia from one of them...i'm hoping thats all she had.
GEO
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I am in the same position as yourself. Have you tested? I pray you are okay
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