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HIV Transmission and Education >> Am I Infected?

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Shane
Unregistered

Coming to an end...
      #22099 - 09/08/01 05:01 PM

Well friends, and to those who are not friends, my world of uncertainty is coming to an end...I'm going
to be tested very soon.

To say the least, I'm wrought with fear, terror and anger. I probably would have postponed my 6
month test for another few months but I can no longer wait...I need to do this.

Many of you know my story and some (may just be one individual) have really been cruel. Most, if not
all, have been really supportive and I really thank you.

My situation for me is like a horror story. I've always had fear of HIV, and every time, it's been my
actions that have put me at risk...this time the story goes like this:

I have Thalassemia and severe esophagus problems (chronic GERD all day every day), both conditions
can be pretty rough for some people...the Thalassemia can produce lifelong problems (my mother has
had to have her heart valves replaced because of it) and severe GERD can lead to esophageal cancer.
Last year I started having terrible swallowing problems and my Dr thought it was maybe my
esophagus...people with severe GERD have a very high risk of getting esophageal cancer which is fatal
within 1yr in about 95% of the people...it's only second to pancreatic cancer as far as rapid
death...anyway I was pretty depressed because I was convinced that the terrible lump in my chest and
pain was the worst case scenerio...driving home from work on day, I thought what the hell, I'm dying
anyway, and drove into an Asian massage parlor...the girl that came to my room was awsome...I
thought to myself, how could they find someone so beautiful to work here, she was a 10 plus. After a
shower she proceeded to give me a BJ without a condom...I thought no for a second, but her beauty
and ability got the best of me. I had just shaved my shaft that day and was a little worried about
possible nics etc...but not too worried. Two weeks later my wife, after having sex, came down with a
rash called Erythma Multiforme Minor..it was terrible...I was horrified. I admitted my escapade and she
merely laughed...we have a very good relationship. She forgave me and assured me it wasn't a rash
from HIV. My wife went to the University hospital and they too said it wasn't a rash indicative of HIV
and did a biopsy...they said the biopsy was not close to an infection from a viral cause. My wife went
on meds for it and the rash went away...yet if she stopped taking the meds it would come back. I was
convinced I gave her HIV. I had a Murex SUDS 15 minute FDA approved HIV test done at a doctor
who specialized in HIV at 8 weeks and it was negative...this relieved me a little, until 4 weeks alter the
Abbott pulled the test for manufacturing problems...a little set back in my mind to say the least. My
wife, without telling me, for a surprise for me (she knew she was going to be negative) went and got an
HIV test at 6 months and it too was negative...she woke me up one morning with the news...I then
went for a 8 month test and it came out negative. While all this was going on, I became friends over the
internet, with a gay couple who live in my area, who seemed to be very knowledgeable in HIV, as a
matter of fact they run a newsgroup. I didn't know about "The Body" during this time, so this
newsgroup was my only source of info. They were very nice to me and in return I helped one of the
partners with HIS OCD. I do suffer from OCD, which I've had all my life. Mine was caused from an
abusive childhood and is not the typical counting obsessions or acting out, instead it's all fear related. I
was able to relate my fear and OCD to "Bob's" OCD about having to deal with his partner dying. We
spent the next few months sharing stories and fears and a relationship was hatched between me my wife
and them. When I got my results back I wanted to celebrate by thanking this gay couple for all their
moral support. It happened to be one of their birthdays. I decided to buy them a gift certificate and go
over to their Apt and say thanks. When I got there, Bob decided to take out his parrot and show me
how friendly it was. Bob went to flip the parrot upside down on his finger where it then proceeded to
dig its claws into his fingers and then started to flap around violently...it fell from his finger and flew
immediately to by shirt where it landed on the open part of my chest, where the buttons were undone.
It was scared and didn't want to fall off, and dug its claws into me hard, drawing blood. I freaked...I
went to the bathroom and the only thing I could find was mouth wash which I applied to the scratch
and then I left. I called them back and was very sorry for my freaking out and they said they
understood and assured me that "I couldn't get infected like that"...that it would take a "significant
amount of blood". When Bob said that I really freaked because I thought he was telling me that he got
cut and that there was blood but only a little. I called him back the next day and we agreed that I could
come over and look at his hands. He was also upset but assured me that when he inspected his hands
that there was NO BLOOD, NO SCRATCHES, etc...but I was starting to think he was changing his
stories to make me feel good. When I looked at his hands I did see two small scraps where the bird
"could" have been on the same finger he was holding it with. I was confused. He said no BLOOD no
SCRATCHES and yet when I asked him about those marks he got aggravated and said "those are
nothing Shane", not really explaining them. I walked away not knowing what to believe. Since then he
has assured me that for the sake of my wife and daughter that he would not lie to me about something
so significant and that quote (this is from his email to me):"I found NO
Dents, NO Scratches, NO Blood. I found nothing unusual and I mean unusual
in the extreme OCD sense of the word."...I then over the next 2 weeks I had every symptom known to
ARS...terrible head cold, light rash on both arms (the size of the overall rash was small about 2 inches)
and it disappeared within 2 hrs of getting it...same rash on stomach (was after coming back from the
zoo so I'm praying it was something in the air it too was small it too left the next day but I had a
blotchy chest and stomach for weeks, now I'm thinking it was the ARS rash...and the worst was the
red areas on the side of my tongue where my teeth sit...they get white rings around them and move but
only on the edges. I got a PCR DNA test at 32 days (almost 5 weeks) and it was not detected...I
celebrated but was soon told that it wasn't a conclusive test by many experts here on the net...I felt
betrayed by the folks who ordered the test and said no further testing was necessary. With my
Thalassemia I have bleeding gums after I brush and recently I was kissing my wife (right after brushing)
and 3 days later she has a terrible case of the flu...no one in this area has the flu and once again I'm
convinced I have infected her and my nursing little girl

This is my story being poured from my heart...I feel lost and desperate. Many will say I'm a nut...This is
one time I hope they are right. I will be finding out the truth soon.

Peace
Shane






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JGirl
Unregistered

Re: Coming to an end... new
      #22102 - 09/08/01 07:13 PM

Shane I completely understand your story and my heart goes out to you. Fear of HIV can be crippling to say the least and I want you to know I have been and am where you are. I too have ocd and it afecctes my life on a daily basis. I want you to know there are people out there who feel the way you do and you are not alone.It sounds like you have an amazing wife and are truly blessed. You are strong for being honest with her. Just try to think positve (no pun intended) I should say think neg. because that is what your results will be. I had a test from Quest Thurs. which still hasn't come back, it has never taken so long before so I am freaked out. I am so sorry some people have been cruel I have read their posts and I think they are just angry and ignorant. So hang in there and know I'm thinking of you and will be praying for that neg. result that will finally set you free.
JGirl



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Shane
Unregistered

Thank you... new
      #22103 - 09/08/01 07:23 PM

Thank you so much for your kind words...

Did you see my post about Quest and the time it takes? It could take up to a week and it means nothing. I called them and it can take a while even before they can test it, being that they're backed up...

Good luck to you and you also have my prayers.



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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Coming to an end...?pulp fiction new
      #22104 - 09/08/01 08:24 PM

Great work of fiction there buddy keep up the good work.
I have been a fan of your for sometime now.




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Anonymous
Unregistered

elisa new
      #22105 - 09/08/01 09:46 PM

'shane' you didnt mention your Quest elisa test...LOL



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Jocko-j
Unregistered

Re: Coming to an end...?pulp fiction new
      #22108 - 09/08/01 11:48 PM

You know, I have seen Shane wish you well ..... and I have wished you well; but you still come back and pay nothing but disrespect. Even though the "right" thing to do is probably to ignore you, I feel that if you can read these words, perhaps one part (albeit a "sleeping" part) of you can "hear" this. Your response to Shane was totally insensitive and lacking compassion. Shane is scared, and you are laughing at him. How does that make you feel? Do you enjoy being cruel? You have been asked several times, and refuse to shed any light on this question: "Why are you upset?" What is bothering you? I really think you KNOW that Shane is being serious, and that he is scared ..... but you continue to belittle his fear and make fun of him. Although the internet can often be a forum where you can hide behind anonymity and be cruel, the act itself STILL has ramifications! In other words .... what you are doing is absolutely cruel. In the post above, Shane has made himself vulnerable, only to be scoffed at by you. You've done the same to me - you've seen me share EVERY bit of myself on here, and you've used in against me. You are a coward, and everybody here recognizes this. And, even though you may be reading this in a half-assed manner in between spilling "In n Out" hamburger dressing on your belly(I can picture you to be a portly, Double-Double fan) and jacking off to porn ...... part of you realizes how pathetic you are ..... and hopefully, that part of you will awaken a bit more - and you will begin to "see the light." Tell us about yourself, say your sorry, and please ..... do the right thing!



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Jocko-j
Unregistered

Re: Thank you... new
      #22109 - 09/08/01 11:53 PM

Shane .... please hear me and trust me on this one. YOU ARE FINE. Please, read this again and agian until you begin to trust it. Believe me, my brother, the obsession has taken on a life of its own. I promise you, you will be negative ..... I know in my heart (and head) for this to be true! You simply did not get HIV from that incident - No WAY! I say this with love in my heart, brother! Hang in there, and tune into that small voice in you that also knows you're O.K. I'm here for you!
jocko



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JO1
Unregistered

Re: Coming to an end... new
      #22116 - 09/09/01 09:55 AM

While it is theoritcally possible to contract HIV like this, its so unlikely its not worth thinking about. If you did come back positive you would be the first ever to get it in a scenario like this. Also your your PCR test did not detect anything so that drops your chances significantly. Im not going to think of you as a nut because thats the way people were treating me when I would tell them my fears, I just understand completly what your going through. Regardless of what the risk was, worrying about HIV is an extremely scary thing and it caused a big interruption in my life. Shane, have you ever considered seeing a psychologist about your fears? Im actually considering it. Anyways best of luck and Im very sure that you will be fine.



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Shane
Unregistered

Re: elisa new
      #22122 - 09/09/01 11:19 AM

I did get an ELISA test for the first exposure to the sex worker at the massage parlor. It was about 7 months or 8 months after....it was non-reactive. I guess you will continue to laugh.



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Shane
Unregistered

Re: Coming to an end...?pulp fiction new
      #22127 - 09/09/01 11:30 AM

I'll pray for you

Peace
Shane



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Shane
Unregistered

Re: Coming to an end...?pulp fiction new
      #22128 - 09/09/01 11:37 AM

Thank you for sticking up for me Jocko, just ignore him/her.

The truth is they're in more pain than we are, even though they might not realize it. Fact is, at one time in my life I was just a cruel, and I've learned the hard way that life has a way with Karma, thus I'm paying for it now. It's okay because it makes me look back and see all the pain I caused. I have a million excuses for it, but in the end it was my responsibility. I wish this person a happy life AND pray and hope that he/she can see the wrong of their ways without having to go through the pain I've had to expereince to learn my lesson.

Peace
Shane





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Jocko-j
Unregistered

Re: Coming to an end...?pulp fiction new
      #22129 - 09/09/01 12:14 PM

Shane, my friend, I wish this person a happy life also. But, sometimes I feel that this person deserves the real HUMAN truth from me (instead of a spiritual truth - which I consider greater). And, the human truth is, that there are times when I can stand back and wish him/her nothing but peace ...... and there are other times when I think this person needs to be told to "back off." I sometimes feel that I am not evolved enough to honestly wish this person well ..... and if I did that when I truly didn't feel it ....... well, karmically speaking, that wouldn't be wise. I hope that makes a bit of sense. Last night, when I read your post, and then saw the cruel post ...... well, basically I felt the need to tell the person my truth, which was that he/she was being cruel. Best of luck, mate - you'll be fine.
jocko



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Anonymous
Unregistered

Karma ? new
      #22131 - 09/09/01 01:29 PM

where in the bible does it say the word Karma ?
also I found another site saying 95% will test + after 3 weeks.
I have still yet to find a case where someone contracted HIV from a bird.



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Anonymous
Unregistered

gerd new
      #22133 - 09/09/01 01:45 PM

Burp*



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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Karma ? new
      #22137 - 09/09/01 02:39 PM

I don't know what the bible has to do with Karma, so I will pose this question to you: Where is a Sears catalogue does it say the word karma?



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