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so afraid
#20808 - 08/14/01 03:20 PM
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Though I know no-one can tell me what I really want to hear, I am hoping someone can help to alleviate my severe anxiety somewhat, or perhaps just confirm my worst fears.
I am a married, in-the-closet bi-sexual. I contained my gay feelings for 14 years of marriage, but this last year I gave in to the feelings and had a few encounters. Before indulging, I had read up on a lot of info on ‘safer-sex’ and thought I would be ok, now I fear the worse.
I had an encounter 3 weeks ago that got a bit too ‘hot’ and most of the ‘safer-sex’ ideas were forgotten. It consisted mostly of me performing oral (no condom) on the guy. He also gave me oral, and fingered my anus a little during this. The good news is that he did not come in my mouth, and had hardly any pre-come. In fact I never could detect any by sight, but did detect a little by taste. The bad news is I began having symptoms, that seem like they could be from hiv infection.
After leaving, I began to worry, mostly over the anal fingering, I thought it was possible that he had some of his own pre-come on his hand…later that very night I began feeling strange, just like you are starting to come down with a flu, throat hurting a bit, skin crawling and itching and seemingly over sensitive to cold air from a/c vents blowing on me, feeling flush, as if I did not have a fever, but right on the verge of it. This feeling stayed with me off and on for two weeks. A few days I would seem to feel fine, then it would seem I had it again. I could never actually say that yes, I was sick, it was more a vague feeling, like I said, where you are about to come down with the flu, but don’t realize it yet, if you know what I mean. I was really freaking out and a ball of anxiety and tried to convince myself it was all due to the anxiety I felt, but then at about the two week mark, I suddenly felt ‘normal’ again, so now feeling my old self, I reason that I must have had something…
I have been back on the internet trying to determine my level of risk and am now almost beyond belief scared and confused. A lot of the info seems vague and/or contradictory…oral sex sans condom for one…so many views on it…some say very low risk (what does that mean), others say high risk…the initial hiv infection sickness…some say it won’t happen until at least 2 weeks after infection, some say shortly after…symptoms range from zero to what sounds like a hard-core flu…even though I first started having symptoms that very night, and my symptoms were light, it still seems I fall into this ‘window’.
Has anyone heard of people getting hiv in the way I described, or of anyone’s initial hiv infection sickness being like the symptoms I detailed?
If it was just me it would be bad enough, but if I have it, what this will do to all who love me is overwhelming…I wish I was just dead at this point…I don’t even know why I did these things that put myself and my loved ones at risk…I disgust myself, but am holding out some slim hope that I am not infected, and my symptoms are some weird coincidence, or God’s way of waking me up, and I will have a chance to redeem myself. I hope the same for any of you who read this and may be worried yourself.
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hmmm I think I've read your posts to Mr Kull, maybe Dr. Gallant. Anywho the joys of guilt! Trust me been there did that. I know what I'm gonna say wont turn you 180 degrees and you'll feel down right awsome, but I'll do what I can. First off lets look at your exposure. Giving Oral sex without protection is not very safe, BUT and I do stress BUT, he didnt cum in your mouth...reduce the risk right there, pre-cum does contain HIV but the chance that what little you had in your mouth was very small and doubtfully enough to infect you. Fingering, NO ONE, NOT a SINGLE PERSON has been infected this way in the 20 years the epidemic has been around so dont sweat that. Bud honestly your risk is small....if youre infected I will take peanutbutter catchup and whatever else I can find smear it on my hat....and I will eat it!
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I am in the same boat as you. I am married and had a same sex encounter with a friend. I gave oral with no ejaculation. From everything I have read and heard (trust me, I have called everyhotline I could find and seen every website) it is rare at best to contract HIV through oral contact. Call and talk to the counsolers at the GMHC (1-800-nyc-aids) they will give you the real deal on it and not talk in generalities. As far as the fingering that is not even a concern! Pre-cum may contain HIV but as far as it ever infecting anyone it is thoretical meaning it could happen but there is no scientific evidence of it.
I wish I could take away your fear! I have been through it and just got my 6 month test back today (negative:o) )
Look, chances are you are not infected. Even if your partner came in your mouth it is still rare to get HIV this way. I pray that you will be able to find some peace during this time. Much of your stress, like mine, was worrying about your family. DO NOT PUT YOURSELF OR THEM IN THIS POSITION AGAIN!!! I say that because I know of the anguish you are facing! My best advice after calling the GMHC is to pray! Ask God to forgive you, heal you and help set your life right in Jesus name. God forgives forgets and heals and that my friend is just what you need. There is a good website called crosswalk.com. They have a mens issues forum and many of those men are going through this same thing.
My prayers are with you! Remember, Greater is he that is with in you than he that is in the world!!
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LOL the fantasy is alot better than the HIV FEAR AND SOMETIMES REALITY !!!!!!!!!!! gotta be safe gotta watch out......don't wan't to scare you but there are some real creeps out there like Aaron Dahlberg... gay guy who tried to infect other men.... be very careful LOL when sex is so dangerous you know the end is near GOOD LORD ... having Oral is really low risk the guilt has kicked into overdrive you are gonna have to ride it out test at 4 weeks then 3 months
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thanks so much for your response...I can't tell you how good it is just to talk about it with someone...from your post, I am sure you know...thanks so much for your info and advice as well.
Like yourself, I am a religious man...a full believer, though I obviously have had a tough time being a practicer of what I believe in...I have been praying so much, and only hope I have not been forsaken. It makes this all the more painful...I just can not believe how I have been behaving this last year or so.
My story is a long and complex one...I won't go into it all, but suffice it to say that if my poor unsuspecting spouse discovered my secrets (regardless of what sex I was with) she would be devastated beyond repair, already she suffers greatly from physical and emotional problems beyond what most could bear.
thanks again
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Sam,
Just remember there are none that are rightous! We all fall we all make bad choices. We are fallen beings living in a fallen world! Thanks be to God that through his son our sins are forgiven. We can not attain perfection on our own but through our risen savior we are made rightous! read through Romans, that really helped me also the 51st Psalm.
God will not forsake you! I wish I knew my Bible better (I'm working on it) but in Romans there is a verse that says nothing can seperate us from the love of God!
Give your cares and burdens to him! I know it is easy for me to say now but trust me, that is the only way I made it through this with my sanity in tact.
I'll be praying for you!
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Sounds to me like you're suffering all the symptoms of a guilty conscience. You don't have HIV, in all probability, but you do have a severe case of infidelity.
The fingering risk is non-existent. Zero. Zilch. Period.
The Oral sex risk is *really* low, although not quite existent. Unless, of course, your partner wasn't infected IN THE FIRST PLACE. Considered asking him? If not you should.
You're going to have to ride out the guilt, and the stress, and the anxiety, which are the only symptoms you're describing. Get tested at 4 weeks, if you can find a 3rd generation ELISA test, or spring for a PCR DNA or PCR RNA test at 4 weeks if you can afford it.
And use a condom from now on.
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I have read that giving oral sex with ejaculation is low risk and giving oral without ejac is extremely low risk, so your at extremely low risk, but reduce the risk even further by using a condom if your not confortable with the person.
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thanks so much, I am glad you came out neg. and I wish the best for you and your family in all things to come.
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I understand exactly what you are going through. I have a girlfriend and some hooker gave me head. I thought for sure I was infected even though numrous doctors told me the latter. I tested - at 4 weeks and 19 weeks and I'm done with that. I do have one suggestion though. If you want government official opintion, DO NOT CALL THE NYC BOARD OF HEALTH. I did right before my 19 week test. After talking to the bitch on the phone I was convinced I was infected. They will tell you very high risk for oral sex encounters which is bullshit. Dude your fine. Get tested at 4 weeks and 12 weeks and be done with it. If you want advice call the national aids hotline. They are the CDC. They will probably make you feel allot more comforable than the [censored] NYC BOARD OF HEALTH.
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you too Sam! I know you will be fine! You take care of yourself!!
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Mr. So Afraid,
Fear not. Oral sex is *REALLY* low risk of exposure. First of all, look at this article that came out on 8/14:
http://dailynews.yahoo.com/h/nm/20010814/hl/hiv_oral_1.html
Next, let me tell you from personal experience. I have sex with MANY men. I do unprotected oral. I give oral, get oral. Occasionally, guy even cums in my mouth. I do even riskier stuff than you--protected anal sex.
I have been consistent with my sex behaviors and let me tell you, I have consistently tested negative.
It's probably the anxiety/stress that is causing you to feel some of the false "symptoms". Of course, a coincidental cold or flu passing through doesn't really help, but maybe that's all that was.
You're fine. Please don't worry. HIV is really really really hard to get from oral sex. So hard, that chances are sooo minute. Good luck, I'm thinking of you Mr. So Afraid.
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Sam, you'll be fine. I already posted to you and gave you that link on the article on oral sex.
I want to share my thoughts with you from a different angle though. You say you are religious, married. Hey that is totally cool man. But, you also had this same sex encounter.
As a gay male, all I have to say is, I admire you for the strength and courage for you to try it out, and explore your desires in this regard. I personally don't believe it's healthy to keep that kind of stuff inside. There are plenty of married men in the same situation as you. Don't be afraid to explore that side of you.
But this is where I have to be firm on something: PLAY SAFELY. Play responsibly. Use condoms for anal sex. Data suggest that even without condoms, oral sex is lower risk, but you can make things even safer by using condoms for oral sex, too. Make life interesting and fun: use flavored condoms for oral!
Again, I think it's healthy that you explored your feelings and tried this thing. The guilt, I think, is playing a factor and making you worried that you might have been infected with HIV. But you weren't, omigosh you sooo totally weren't. Don't be afraid Sam. Relax, be strong.
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