Completely, Totally Scared To Death - TheBody.com's Bulletin Boards

I'm a woman who hasn't had sex for the past 4 years, and no unprotected sex since a few instances with a long-term boyfriend back in 1994. I haven't seen him in over 10 years and don't know his status but have heard through the grapevine he's alive and not visibly ill. Not the best source or a reliable indicator, I know, but it's all the info I have.

I don't think I've had any symptoms of HIV, but the symptom list is so generalized and broad, it's totally possible that I could have and don't remember or didn't recognize it as a symptom. The only thing I can say for sure is I haven't had a yeast infection in about 8 years, my pap smears are all negative, and my standard yearly checkup and regular bloodwork is normal. Even so, I finally decided on Friday to get an HIV test so I will know my status. Now that I've made the decision, I am completely and utterly terrified to the point of making myself ill.

I don't know what to do. I can't sleep, I can't keep food down, and I keep crying hysterically. I am scared to death at the thought of being positive, and I don't have anyone I feel like I can talk to because I am so ashamed of putting myself in this position. The information on the internet is both a blessing and a curse, I've been obsessively reading forums and facts. It's making me feel a billion times worse, but I can't seem to stop...I keep looking for some kind of reassurance that there is no chance that I'm positive, which is ridiculous and illogical as only a test can do that. For every against-all-odds "woo hoo" story I read about someone who had confirmed exposures multiple times over several years and tested negative, I read three about people who thought their risk was minimal and got the awful news that they are positive. I keep thinking about the horror of a positive diagnosis, the web of lies I'd have to build to keep my family and friends from finding out, the utter disgust I'd feel for myself and for having to live in this body. I have two gay male friends who are positive and I am loving and supportive of them, but for some reason I just can't find the same kind of compassion for myself.

I ordered a home access test on Friday, but I am considering going to get a rapid oral test tomorrow morning because I just can't stand it any more. My mind is racing in circles...if I go tomorrow and the results are positive, will I wish that I'd given myself the gift of a few more days of not knowing? It's not as if I'm having sex anytime soon and potentially exposing someone. And as horrible as these last few days have been, I'm afraid that if I get a positive result I'll have a complete breakdown. But on the other hand, if I'm negative then all this terror will end and I can get back to living and working and actually be able to focus. For the past few days all i've been doing is staring into space, crying hysterically, smoking like a chimney, and going over and over the past 12 years in my head trying to remember any symptoms I might have had.

Last night I read at some sites that if you're having a horrible time dealing with the idea of testing and don't have a support system, you should wait until you're handling it better. "Having a horrible time dealing" is a pretty accurate desciption of these last few days, but if I delay testing past this week I think I'll lose my nerve and not do it at all. If I do that, I don't know how I'll be able to do anything but cry and sit here waiting to get sick. After all, if turns out that I am positive, I'd be 12 years along, near the point where most people start to get really sick.

I'm sorry for rambling on so long, but I'm so afraid. I'm afraid to get tested, I'm afraid not to get tested, I'm afraid of dying a slow death, I don't want to put my friends and family through the horrible experience of watching me die a slow death, every day I'm less able to function normally. Today after one of the crying jags I started researching ways I could commit suicide but make it look like an accident so the people I love could be spared the knowledge that I took my own life, just in case I test positive. I know that's insane and so many people live productive lives with HIV, but the idea is starting to make a lot of sense to me as I'm just not equipped to handle a positive diagnosis. I could never tell my family and friends so I'd have to spend the rest of my life hiding and lying, and I'd be too disgusted with myself to even think about a relationship. I'm a coward and a fuck-up and an idiot for ever having any unprotected sex in the first place.

Sorry again for going on and on. I thought getting this out might make me feel better. Now that I'm done I don't think it really has, and anyway it's not anyone else's job to make me feel better. This is all my fault, and having a place to write out my feelings is probably more than I deserve.

Post Extras: Remind Me!