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I really screwed up, now worried a lot.
      #199745 - 07/12/06 07:07 PM

Hi everybody,
I am writing because I have a great deal of anxiety and/or guiltover the events that have transpired over the past few weeks up until this point. I have a girlfriend whom I really care for and really cares for me. On the 24th of June, I had a monumental lapse in my judgement and recieved a handjob with no protection or lubrication from one of the stippers/sexworkers?. I was back home, visiting my parents, and one of my friends has in town, and he wanted me to show him around. I had only wanted to go to a bar and have a few drinks, but he had wanted to go to a strip club. So finally, we went. Now, I do know that handjobs do not constitude a risk for transmission of this virus. What that SW did towards the end of the session was squirt some secretions from her breasts onto my penis and continued for a little while longer. I then went to the bathroom and washed off my penis and urinated. I then felt extreme fear and guilt over what I had done. This is the first time I have ever done something like this, and I felt a great deal of anger towards that woman for having exposed me potentially to HIV. I also feel a great deal of guilt because this is the first time I had ever done something like this. I went home, dejected and was unable to fall asleep until 3:00 AM. I awoke the next morning with the semblence of what seemed to be a sore throat. Not painfull by any stretch of the imagination, but noticable nonetheless.I was concerned that it could be ARS, but I didn't really know. I do realize that symptoms are notoriously unreliable in the diagnosis of viral infections. Plus the onset of ARS is usually within 2-4 weeks after exposure, right? So, anyhow, I left and drove back to my home. One thing that should be known is that my girlfriend lives a long distance away, such that I only see here a few times a year, so I have not had relations with her since the incident. This "sore" throat has persisted and is present even today, as I am writing this. My appetite, is practically nonexistant, I do not know if its stress, or a sign of ARS. I keep looking for rashes and other signs. This has totally consumed my life for the past 18 days. I feel myself becoming very depressed, I cannot sleep well, my appetite is shot, this "sore" throat is a constant nagging reminder of what I did. I prayed to God, and still do ( I guess this is the one positive thing to come out of this ordeal) that this one little mistake does not adversely affect my life.I guess I am accepting the possibility, that I indeed may be infected, along with all the social, economic, the inability to have meaningful romantic relationships with girls in the future, and the physical ramifications that come along with this stigma. Because of one stupid mistake, people when they hear my status, are going to automatically think that I am either homosexual, or an IV drug abuser. I was so scared, that I took one of the home access kits at day 14, which came back negative. The process of getting those results was nervewracking in and of itself. I read that if one, when they get their results, has a negative result, they will hear via an automated system, and if positive or indeterminate, will speak with a live operater. I, of course, got the operator. I was absolutely terrified. I felt a little more relieved on the negative result, and that some negative results are still chosen to speak to an operator, but I know that its neither conclusive nor definative. I still, however, rest a little hope that it is encouraging that my next home access blood test at the end of this month is also negative, and that the final 12 week test is also negative. Please, anyone reads this should take this as a lesson. It can only take just one stupid mistake to completely destroy your life. This may still be the case for me. If something just does not feel right, trust you gut instinct, leave, run away, be an asshole, just get away.Isn't that worth your piece of mind? I think it is.

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Re: I really screwed up, now worried a lot. new
      #199747 - 07/12/06 07:22 PM

Should you feel regret and remorse for cheating on your girlfriend yes.....should you be very concerned about HIV NO!!! The chances of getting HIV that was is ASTRONOMICAL. The fluid would have to travel all the way down the urethra to get you infected. The stat for vaginal sex is 1/1000 chance of contracting per episode and as for your chance it is 1/1000000 i would guess. BTW - guilt and anxiety causes a lot of problems in ones body. Search this for me....globus hystericus. This is what you have. No ARS does not appear one day after but guilt and anxiety does.

Take it easy. You have almost no risk of HIV as it is not transmitted as easily as on thinks. Live and learn from your mistake and dont beat yourself up too much. Okay?

REGRET101 - is my name and I know all about what you are going through. I strayed way way further and know what anxiety and guilt can do to you!

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Re: I really screwed up, now worried a lot. new
      #199761 - 07/12/06 08:41 PM

You had no risk.

If you're going to feel guilty, then you need to keep it zipped up with not around your girlfriend, otherwise you're just going to stress out about a disease you did not get.

Oh yeah, Question? Do English teachers teach how to create paragraphs anymore?

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Re: I really screwed up, now worried a lot. new
      #199782 - 07/12/06 11:23 PM

Hi all,
I must say this has been a hard ordeal on me emotionally. I find myself in and out between being to convince myself that I had a low risk incident, and then a few minutes later, thinking about the worst that could happen. I find myself feeling all alone, with nobody in whom to confide my fears. Usually my girlfriend is whom I condide my concerns and fears with. I should find my 14 day home access negative result encouraging to some small degree, but it strangely doesn't. I do know that you need at least 12 weeks to have gone by before you get tested for decisive, conclusive results. But still, I am mortified, if i indeed do have this dreaded disease, then my girlfriend will leave me, I will be alone and will walk the boulevard of broken dreams. I was so blessed with everything in life, and I feel like I squandered it away in one stupid move. I've always been carefull with the things I do to myself, but I could not have anticipated that that SW would squirt her potentially infectious breast secretions onto my penis!!! If that had not occured, then none of this worry would be present.

I seriously wish that I could go back a few weeks and prevent myself from making this stupid mistake. I feel so ridden with guilt and shame. My girlfriend trusts me, and I feel like that trust has been betrayed. When I talk to her, I just don't get as excited as I used to. I don't want to get too excited about seeing her again as I may not be able to if my fears come to fruition. I spend countless hours throughout the day and night trying to find the stories of other people who are in my situation and try to extract some glimmer of hope that I can have the same good outcomes as they do. There are times when I believe this can happen, there are other times when I feel totally incapacitated by fear. I try to keep my mind occupied by other things, but they only remind me of times before the incident, and then I have a great deal of fear. I try to ask God for his guidance and protection. I realize that God is by no means under any obligation to grant me anything. I find myself only asking him to give me a burden that I can bear. For now, I feel like this is an incredible burden to bear. For better or for worse, what happens is what happens.

I do realize that a lot of what I have said is a great deal of repitition from my last posting, but I need to get it off my chest. The feelings of going through this alone are more than I can bear at this moment.
I just hope that my 25 day test comes back negative too; and with that, I'll be able to put this horrible ordeal behind me and step forward with a fresh footing and a new and better understanding of faith in God. I honestly appreciate all the support that everyone gives on this message board and I now have a new understanding of what real fear is in terms of medical problems.

May God Bless everyone,

Worried Well

P.S I've searched all over, but I cannot seem to find any cases of HIV being transmitted via breast secretions/milk coming into contact with a male penis, does anybody know of any cases?

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