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HIV Transmission and Education >> Am I Infected?

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jambo
Fanatic

Reged: 04/08/06
Posts: 72
I have a problem, can u help?
      #190744 - 05/10/06 10:58 PM

This is not only about hiv, but more about another problem

Perhaps I am abnormal. I know now that I am what people will call promiscuous. I am writing what I keep subjecting myself to, because I do not have access to a shrink where I live. I know there is something seriously wrong inside me, but I do not know how to set it right. Maybe some of you will take the time to read through this and advise me what to do.

Here is my story. I am in a pretty happy relationship, except that me and my partner live in different cities and are able to meet only after gaps of 2-3 months. I think I love my partner enough to want to spend the rest of my life with her. However my actions provide all evidence to the contrary.

Over the last 2 years I have engaged in low-risk sexual activities with complete strangers on 4 or 5 occasions. The last one was yesterday. After every instance, I go through months of guilt, remorse, and fear of hiv. To the extent that I do not eat or sleep properly. Remorse that I am letting myself down time and again. Every time I try to look forward and tell myself that I will never repeat this. For months it happens. Then I do not what takes over one night. It is almost always after I have had a few drinks and all inhibitions disappear. I am quite careful with the sexual part of it, and actually never indulge in penetrative sex. But I get as close to it as I possibly can, mainly with a lot of frottage type activities. On one instance I also engaged in some light kissing which I otherwise find difficult to engage in with strangers.

And then there is always the testing period. I usually test twice, at 6-7 weeks and then again at 12-13. then all is well for a few months until I badly let myself down again. Maybe hiv is the least of my problems.

What is my problem? Is it that I do not love my partner enough to be faithful? I once leveled up with her but do not have the courage to do it again, coz it will certainly end this relationship. I do not intend to do that, at least up to now.

I really want to correct my ways. I am very sorry to writing this very personal post, but after spending a few months on this forum I have found no other way out. And this is immediately following my incident last night, so obviously I am feeling a bit down and with no ideas on what to do with myself next.

I hope some of you will have some thoughts. If any of you got over such a situation, I will benefit from hearing how you did it. If you want to share your experiences separately, please send me a pm or email at stonjambo@yahoo.com


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billybob123
Unregistered

Re: I have a problem, can u help? new
      #190746 - 05/10/06 11:05 PM

Long distant relationships are difficult, especially with no sex.

You may in fact love her, but you are certainly not faitfull.

Keep your nose clean by not going to places where people will give you sex so easily (eg prostitutes?). Maybe even find a hobby. Or resolve the distance issue...

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Jambo again
Unregistered

Re: I have a problem, can u help? new
      #190747 - 05/10/06 11:09 PM

I am also tired of faking pure love when my partner is around, and also disgusted at last night since i am still in the 6th week testing cycle from a similar previous night out.

oh, it is so demeaning...

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: I have a problem, can u help? new
      #190756 - 05/11/06 12:26 AM

There is alot of issues here. But here is my physcobabble.

You portray extreme guilt in having relations with other females other than your significant other. You know that this is wrong however you continue to participate in the activites. You know that there are no consequences with what you are doing because your partner will never know if you don't tell her. You use HIV as a manner of punishment for your acts. You feel that the mental trauma of waiting through the 13 week period is sufficient to validate your continued wrong doings.

You really do love your girlfriend but I don't believe it's the type of love you expected or want. You may feel like you don't even know yourself well enough to know love.

You are stuck between a rock and a hard place. You do want to stay with your girlfriend but you also want to have your cake and eat it too. You need to figure out what is best for you. Punishing yourself by with the mental trauma of HIV is not healthy.

Unfortunately, there is only so much that an internet site can do to resolve your issue. The only way is a face to face consultation with a professional. There are alot of free hotlines dealing with relationships that you can call.

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Jam Bo
Unregistered

Re: I have a problem, can u help? new
      #190761 - 05/11/06 12:58 AM

Thank you for your sincere assessment, i think it is very accurate. i think it is only me who will have to figure out how to get out of this rut.

much appreciated - jambo

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SteveR
Legend

Reged: 07/19/05
Posts: 576
Re: I have a problem, can u help? new
      #190817 - 05/11/06 09:55 AM

I think the clearest answer is that your long-distance relationship isn't working for you. You may love your partner, but she's just too far away and too much time elapses between your visits.

I would not call someone who's had sex with four or five different people over the last two years "promiscuous." It's a subjective term, but some people have sex with that many partners in a week!

My personal advice is, talk to your partner. It's up to you what you tell her, but I think your core message needs to be that you require a physically closer relationship with her. Maybe that means more visits, or maybe one of you will need to move.

The poster who said you were using HIV to punish yourself is spot-on. From what you described, HIV isn't really a danger with you, because you're careful and you have safer sex. But you feel guilty and you're using fear of HIV to work out that guilt.

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Eclipse
Regular

Reged: 05/09/06
Posts: 28
Re: I have a problem, can u help? new
      #190844 - 05/11/06 12:35 PM

Jambo, hmmmmm..i think two things. Maybe its the time frame and distance that is pushing you to do things. You not being around your partner for a while when you have NEEDS its hard. Second you may not be ready for a relationship. it kinds of intertwines with the distance. If you were ready you wouldn't do what your doing. As far as the H I V goes all you can do on that note is be tested and do what u do in a safe manner.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: I have a problem, can u help? new
      #190959 - 05/11/06 08:53 PM

Thank you for your thoughts. They are all helpful, but of course it is upto me with how i proceed with life from here.

I cannot possibly attribute all this to distance and my needs in a simple manner, coz it does not affect my partner in the same way. and there will be so many others who dont end up doing what i do coz of long distance relationships not meeting their needs.

i think that a2h is right when he says i need to research my actual self. have been trying to do that. not a very clear picture so far. also i think the assessment of some of you of using hiv as some kind of punishment is also now a recurring problem.

i will end now. thanks for your thoughts Jambo

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: I have a problem, can u help? new
      #190964 - 05/11/06 09:29 PM

Hi anon this is jambo

Is it possible to discuss some more with you on this? i think your post describes exactly what is wrong, which i had not figured out until i read and reread your post.

if you have some time over emails, pls write back and i will get in touch (my mail id is mentioned in the original post).

thanks even if you cannot engage more...

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