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jerri
New User

Reged: 03/13/01
Posts: 12
The waiting really begins...
      #18146 - 06/01/01 09:17 PM

Hi all. I first posted here after my druken stupid mistake one night. I have marked the days and weeks off until I could take the antibody test. And, finally, today was the day. I had my blood drawn this morning but won't find out the results until next Friday. How am I going to make it through this week???? I've managed to live some sort of a resemblence to a normal life but that is only because of my girls.

To recap my "mistake"....away on business, meet a gorgeous, intelligent man from Manhattan, we hit it off, have too much to drink at happy hour, end up back in his room on the last night of the conference. We did use a condom but after he ejaculated, when he withdrew, the condom stayed inside of me. The opening was on the outside but I cannot say for sure whether or not I came into contact with any seminal fluid since I didn't notice it right away. I asked him when he was tested and he said 3 months prior and everything was fine but how can you believe anyone? I was so stressed and mortified that I left without getting his number and hoping that I would not run into him the next morning.

I have always been a careful person but this incident has got me scared out of my wits. I think it's because I have 2 twin girls that I utterly adore. And since my husband was killed in the line of duty years ago, I am all my girls have left (parent wise). What am I going to do?? Sorry to sound like I'm throwing a pity party for myself but it is incredibly hard to go through something like this without be able to discuss it with anyone.

I've been reading all of the posts for the last 3 months. And they have offered me some comfort knowing that (unfortunately) I'm not the only one out there going through this. One thing that has kept me sane is that I broke down and dished out the money for a dna pcr at 30 days. (undetected) I felt good for a while but then there is so much contradictory information regarding whether those tests are all they say they are that after spending $250.00 I'm still back at square one with the worry.

So if any of you have any words of encouragement, I sure could use them at this time. This is going to be one hell of a long week. My heartfelt wishes and prayers are with all of you.

take care good friends and thank you for letting me endlessly babble.....

Jerri



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CopperBlue
Unregistered

Re: The waiting really begins... new
      #18147 - 06/01/01 09:30 PM

Jerri,

I have read your other posts, and since the very first one in which you described your encounter, I've been convinced you have nothing to worry about. What happened sounds like an extremely low-risk exposure, if there was any exposure at all. The chances of contracting HIV from one incidence of unprotected intercourse is something like 0.17% - and in your case, you used a condom, which reduces your risk to nil. Nevermind that it slipped off - if any semen got inside you, the amount was most likely negligible. I honestly think you have nothing to fear.

I do think, however, that much of your worry stems from guilt and shame over something you consider to have been a mistake. I say this because I, too, have been there. Worrying endlessly, dissecting and replaying the encounter over and over, trying to find ways to convince yourself you're infected, and even taking the test when you know it's not necessary are all ways of punishing yourself. Being sexual is human nature. Everyone has had encounters they regret - it doesn't mean their lives will end because of it. You were very smart to protect yourself. Take comfort in that. And know that, in a week, the nightmare of waiting and worrying will be over. And then you will have all that mental energy freed up so that you can focus on your two lovely daughters. What could be better than that? Remember - you've made it 3 months and you've already had one negative test result. You have the strength to make it one...more...week :)



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jerri
New User

Reged: 03/13/01
Posts: 12
CopperBlue...thanx! new
      #18148 - 06/01/01 10:37 PM

I don't think that there are enough words to express the comfort that I received from reading your thoughtful, kind and understanding words. Especially since you are going through the "waiting for the results" period. So a heartfelt thanks goes to you for so unselfishly posting those wonderful words!

You hit the nail right on the head about the guilt aspect of this awful situation. I feel that since I have the responsibility of raising 2 wonderful girls, I should know better. I am a single, attractive, responsible woman who does deserve to be a sexual being but at the same time I should be smart enough not to put myself in questionable situations which could endanger my well being. It's that inner tug-of-war and, honestly, it's kicking my ass right now.

I think that the waiting and wondering is the worst part of this. Of course I hope and pray that I am negative but I also realize that I have the inner strength, in case things don't go my way next Friday, to move forward. I have learned a valuable lesson from this...casual sex, protected or not, isn't worth the anxiety afterwards. And that condoms aren't bulletproof vests 100% of the time.

I am trying to rationalize the entire situation to accurately assess my risk but the "what if's" keep popping in there. I know that the stats are on my side but the only way to know for sure is to get that piece of paper saying "NEGATIVE" on it. One way or another, this will come to an end next week.

Thank you again for understanding my feelings and making me feel better. So I raise a glass (many tonight) that you, I and everyone else in the waiting period have something to celebrate. Not just for a negative result but for getting through this a bit stronger and wiser.

Jerri






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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: The waiting really begins... new
      #18150 - 06/02/01 02:00 AM

Hi, Just wanted to give you a word of encouragement. In God I trust Iwill not be afraid Psalms 56:4 My prayers are with you and your family. Good advice you wrote. Peace and God Bless.



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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: The waiting really begins... new
      #18153 - 06/02/01 10:45 AM

Jerri .... take comfort in that PCR test - if you had HIV, something would have been detected.



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Jackie_Blue
Veteran

Reged: 10/26/00
Posts: 2028
Re: The waiting really begins... new
      #18163 - 06/03/01 11:13 AM

What! 3 months already. My, how time flys! I know, I know, it's probably crawled for you.

Your risk was really low. I'm sure you will have good news to celeabrate. Maybe then you will stop beating yourself up for being human.

I hope you've been hugging those girls!

J.



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jerri
New User

Reged: 03/13/01
Posts: 12
Re: The waiting really begins... new
      #18166 - 06/03/01 01:54 PM

Jackie,

In one way, time has crept slowly but on the other hand I couldn't believe it when I crossed off 12 weeks on the calendar.

I hope you're right about the good news. I'm a bit more worried because I came down with a bad cold 5 1/2 weeks later and my girls didn't get it so my mind started going. My neck is stiff and my mind is racing. I guess I'll soon find out. Like you have said before, not knowing is worse than knowing either way.

Thank you for your good wishes. And yes, I've been hugging them more than usual but just not kissing as much. (I know, paranoia)

6 days and counting....

Jerri



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CopperBlue
Unregistered

Re: CopperBlue...thanx! new
      #18169 - 06/03/01 07:25 PM

Hi again, Jerri :)

Just realized today is June 3 and that I only have 11 days left myself... Your response meant a lot to me, and I'm glad I was able to offer you some comfort! Believe me, I have been through this more times than I care to think about, and it's certainly not like learning to ride a bike - i.e., it doesn't get any easier, no matter how many times you do it. I've been trapped in a vicious cycle of letting my low self-esteem rule - it often gets me into awkward situations with people I don't know well, and as a result, I "punish" myself by convincing myself I'm infected. I'm currently in therapy, both to deal with my anxiety and to learn to break the cycle. But I've been there, and I know what it feels like to think you've made an irreparable mistake, which is why I offered my words to you. Jackie Blue got it right in his response to my post - sometimes you just have to tell yourself, over and over, that your fears are irrational.

It looks like you've got 5 days left, and I have a feeling it will go by quicker than you think! It sounds like you have a very positive attitude about things, and "bravo!" for realizing that you are a smart and attractive woman who deserves to have a healthy relationship. Your girls are lucky to have you for a mom.

Hang in there, and if you need anything or just want to vent, I check back here all the time - so please post! :)

Copper



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stef
Member

Reged: 01/31/01
Posts: 33
Re: The waiting really begins... new
      #18177 - 06/04/01 12:56 AM

Jerri:

I do remember your story...very similar to mine in fact. Except you were smart enough to use a condom. My prayers are with you, but I honestly don't think you have anything to worry about. You're obviously a bright, intelligent, articulate woman with two beautiful children that you love very much. Please don't beat yourself up over what happened with the gent from Manhattan. It's easy for me to sit on this side of the pond and give advice, but I know exactly how you're feeling. I can tell you, the anxiety and shame will diminish with time. I actually think I'm a stronger person since I went through my whole ordeal. Not exactly the recommended path for personal fulfillment, but definately has made me appreciate what I have now more than ever.

Lots of prayers and positive thoughts are coming your way. Can't wait to see you post your negative result!!

Stef



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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: The waiting really begins... new
      #18179 - 06/04/01 05:38 AM

Hello there!

I know what you going throw. When it is children involved you panic out a lot, you think that is unfear to them if you are +. Im going throw the same but i have not get the strange to get tested yet. I think you can look forward to a long happy life with your girls, Im sure you arent positive, but please see this as a lessen....I have been throw a lot and not learn until know, I wish that I had learn the first time...so please take my advise and TAKE CARE. Love Isabelle.



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jerri
New User

Reged: 03/13/01
Posts: 12
Thank you to all of you! new
      #18188 - 06/04/01 02:57 PM

All of you guys who posted with encouraging words. THANKS! It really does mean alot to me. Especially this week. I just have such a pit in my stomach right now and I seem to be having trouble concentrating and getting anything productive done.

I'm also scared out of my wits (paranoia is severely setting in). One of my daughters came down with a fever and stomach pains this weekend. No vomiting or anything else and the pediatrician doesn't know what it is. Now I'm thinking....OH MY GOD! Please don't let me have given her anything. The mind is a weird thing!

I hope that at the end of this week I can look back and say....Geez, could I have been anymore ridiculous??

Thank you again. I will be praying for all of you as well as myself.

Jerri



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TexGal
Regular

Reged: 11/21/00
Posts: 139
Re: The waiting really begins... new
      #18196 - 06/04/01 10:44 PM

Hiya Jerri!

I know that it is difficult to believe that this will pass and pass well but it will. We have e-mailed each other many, many times and you have handled these last 3 months with dignity and strength. You will handle this week just the same. This is the home stretch and I believe there will be a bright light at the end of the tunnel.

Believe me, I know exactly what you are going through. Think of it this way, YOU USED A CONDOM!! You have that going for you than alot of us did. Try to keep busy and DON'T STOP HUGGING AND KISSING YOUR GIRLS!! They need it and you especially need that unconditional love and support right now.

The experts on this board have spoken. =) And in all of the months that I have been here, including my waiting period, they haven't been wrong yet!!

Stay strong and you will be in my prayers. You will be able to breathe a HUGH sigh of relief come Friday!

Tex



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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: The waiting really begins... new
      #18621 - 06/22/01 09:11 AM

Jerri,
How were your results? I pray they came out fine!



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