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HIV Transmission and Education >> Am I Infected?

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Erica
Member

Reged: 02/15/06
Posts: 16
waiting is the hardest part ( i think)
      #176496 - 02/22/06 09:05 AM

I am calling the clinic everyday checking for my results. The anxiety is killing me right now, I am shaking and so scared. My feet are constantly tinkiling and numb. I miss my boyfriend so bad. He came over yesterday with a new pair of iceskates for my daughter. It been two days of not sleeping beside him and right now I think the hardest part is for me is how will I tell him if it is +....will he still stay with me.... will my family be scared of me....will I be scared of being around my daughter? I can deal with me being sick, but not him, but I feel as if we both are sick. I want to call him and express how scared I am and how I feel I know I have hiv. But I don't want to freak him out for no reason. Yesterday I told him I didn't feel good and was worried something is wrong with us, Told him I went to the dr. to be tested for everything, he came right out and said "let me know if you have aids, uh", I then said what if we do, he hung up on me. I called him back and he then said if he had aids he will deal with it later. I wish I could tell him everything, but I don't want to panic him as well. My stomach feels somewhat better, the worst part right now is my feet. I have read a lot that this nerve damage usually doesn't happen right away, if i am infected it has only been `2 yrs, as I was tested in 2003. I am also confused on why my boyfriend would be showing signs (ie, stiff neck was the 1st one, chills just started, and he seems to be having gi problems as well. If we are both infected it would make sense to stay togather, but he will probaley hate me, who could blame him. I know I am rambling, but my family says I am out of control about this and they were mad when I even hinted to my bf about hiv. But I love him and if he is sick I want him to get help asap. this panic comes and goes, last night I was at peace then this am I am freaking agian.
thanks for letting me ramble
god bless, pray for me and my family please

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shadow1
Legend

Reged: 12/06/00
Posts: 1209
Re: waiting is the hardest part ( i think) new
      #176507 - 02/22/06 10:21 AM

Remember what stress will do to you also, the best thing you can do is let it go, take the mindset of "what will be is what will be". The biggest thing is you can not go back and change the mistakes, or even the good we did in the past, all we can do is thank whatever lord we pray to we woke today and hope he has that in store for us tomorrow. Anything could happen, buss, plane, car, natural phenomenon we never even considered could take us at any time, this is just a speed bump in life (given some of the speed bumps are like mountains) soon we will be going down the back side and coasting again.

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AIDS2HIV
Legend

Reged: 12/19/05
Posts: 2200
Re: waiting is the hardest part ( i think) new
      #176514 - 02/22/06 10:44 AM

Erica,
Your Hiv test results will tell you the answers, just please be patient until then. A year ago, I discovered i was positive, and was in the later stages of aids. Which the doctor said i had probably atleast 10-15 years, I had a little one,she was 3 at the time,almost 4. I had to get her and my wife tested to see if i had infected them. I never have been much of a worrier, i just got it done, and they was both negative. I gave my wife the option to leave with the kids the day i learned my status, and she refused to. We educated ourselves together. I spent 3 months of last year confined to bed, while my wife nursed me back to health.
The point I'm trying to make to you, is if you continue to push people away from regardless of status, just because of Fears and the "what ifs" Eventually you WILL be alone. Personally i suggest ya set some boundries down in your own life. What you are gonna accept out of people and what ya arent,etc. Then sit down and talk to your boyfriend about all this. I'm sure if he is gonna be mad at you for anything, its gonna be because you excluded him in this, NOT because of your health. I was a drug addict too, when two people can share something so destructive as IV drug use together, they certainly can share something positive and healthy together, such as open communication. I know first hand how scarey this all can be, but you have to set that fear aside and keep going forward, or let it consume you and ruin everything around you. Just guessing here, but sounds to me like you are already to the point that ya have convinced yourself that you have this, and yet your results havent come back.

In closing, i will say when a person has hiv/aids, for the most part life can be somewhat thier norm. hiv changes a cple things, mainly thier immune system. But fear & anxiety is far more capable of ruining ones life. So,please calm down, include your partner in this, afterall you both was in it together until this point. And remember, we all react differently,so dont be alarmed if he doesnt react the same way you do....Good Luck & God Bless*

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Erica
Member

Reged: 02/15/06
Posts: 16
Re: waiting is the hardest part ( i think) new
      #176521 - 02/22/06 11:35 AM

yes you are right, I called my dad when I first thought about this and told him I was sick, almost gave him a heartattack.

My bf just left, he has never used drugs, that was me and my x which died of an overdose 3 years ago. He has been so sweet through all of this. I started crying and explaining to hiim I am scared I am sick and would he stay with me if I was sick. He had cancer in the past and has always asked me if I would stay with him if he was sick. He wouldn't really anwser, all he kept saying is don' worry about him, just worry about me. He than asked me what i was afraid of dying? I told him no, I am more scared if I made him sick and scared of loosing him. He kept telling me he was sorry, SORRY FOR WHAT??? I am the sorry one. He tucked me in bed and held me whiled I cried. He told me just to let him know what the result is. He also told me I should of been honest about my herion addiction with him b/f he fell in love with me so he could make the decision of rather to move on with me. I wonder if he will still hold me if I am + and so is he. I feel better about being honest with him, I really need and want his support right now.
thanks to all of you
god bless


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