Almost certain I am +, waiting on test to move on

Hello,

Maybe I should be posting under another section, but my test results have not yet returned. However, I have come to terms that what I have is indeed HIV/AIDS. I am just waiting for the result to tak the next step.

I am a 21 year old college student and I don't know how I was infected, although in retrospect I have my guesses. As I think back during the semester, I felt lacking the motivation - it was a very stressful few months for me - constant traveling. I was meeting new people after a 3 year relationship. It was unprotected orally, and although I could think about the risks, it's already happened and made me feel this way. No matter what, the hardest part about it is seeing my family - my parents and younger brother are aware of my condition and the high possibility it is HIV/AIDS - and thinking that I was supposed to live a longer life and actually accomplish what I set out to do, get married, bear children, leave a legacy. The worst part about this is that I was fine and it seems I put this upon myself. I am a very affection, loving, caring, and beautiful person - I put myself at risk by putting myself out there and not being more prudent as I once was.

About 3 weeks ago, during a week of much stress (final exams), I began to feel very weak and lacked the will/ability to focus. It took so much energy to put into my last paper. That same day, I moved into another place. During that week, I noticed a yellow-green, sour smelling discharge, but it did not hurt and it felt normal. Later, I realized there the mucous in my mouth/nose increased - I believe it was thrush because it was thick morning mouth. At first I had stiff neck, then my body felt very heavy and sluggish and I felt congested. I knew that something was going on, because I've had colds and flus before, but nothing quite like this.

I've traveled over 16 hours home for the holidays, where I am writing from now, at my bedside. I just woke up briefly during the night. I have not had cold sweats, but occassionally chills, or feeling that my body temperature is higher than normal. I complain about this pain in my lower back - I am wondering whether it is my kidney (born with just one that didn't separate into two), struggling to operate with the low blood. When the tech took my blood for the tests two days ago, my blood was low. It took a bit of maneuvering to get that blood into the tube because it wasn't in abundance like before. During the day, I feel a lack of blood circulation in my body. I woke up tonight feeling that lack of circulation - like waking up with limbs that sort of "fell asleep". My mouth produces a light white mucous now. My vision is worsening, getting blurred. I feel like my body is just wasting away. Before this, I was feeling very hungry and gained excessive weight. Now I am losing weight and lost my appetite. There is a family history of diabetes, but honestly, I doubt I have it. When I went to the clinic, they took my blood sugar a bit after my breakfast and it was normal. I still felt weak.

I was tested the end of the 3rd week for Hepatitis, in addition to the smear of my cervix. Nothing. I went last week to a doctor for a pap smear and am awaiting results. I went more recently to another doctor, who said he didn't think I had HIV/AIDS, but I must say I highly doubt that even condoms are as effective as they say. I am sure they provide protection, but is it really adequate when dealing with a virus? That same day, I got an HIV test, which I should've done before but the ER (1st visit) and clinic didn't offer that, particularly because the first was a weekend and second, the hours were limited.

I have many questions on my mind, but I'll ask a few. 1) People keep telling me to wait for my results before I say/think/do anything. The way I see it, I am preparing myself for the truth - truth because I feel the way I feel, unique to this disease. What should I do - go to the hospital now with suspicions that I am HIV/AIDS + and ask for a saliva test and get treated there before I get weaker? Or should I wait until Thursday, January 5 for the results and get treated then? 2) How should I feel about this? How do I know this is RVS or if this is full-blown AIDS? Most of all, after asking about my physical well-being in the first question, how do I take care of my mental state? I cry frequently, and have nightmares/dreams about this now. How can I come to terms with the fact that I don't have enough time on this earth to accomplish my goals and follow my dreams? 3) It is possible that I unknowingly affected others. This kills me inside becaused the chances are high because of sexual contact, and I will feel even worse that this would happen to others. I will definitely tell them ASAP, but having something like this feels like I must let go of life, or at least what I had - the romance, feeling beautiful, loved, admired. I cannot subject another human being to what I am experiencing - that would be unthinkable.

Signed,
ANEMO
Accepting it, Now Eager to Move On.

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