I convinced myself that I was HIV positive - TheBody.com's Bulletin Boards

I would like to share my story in hopes of helping someone else. I have lived in terror for the past 18 months and have not shared this with anyone. Today is the day I tested Negative. Today is the day that I need to let this go.

I am a 23 year old female. I know two men who have HIV, both gay, both good friends. I have never been one of those people who thought ‘it could never happen to me’ because I knew that it damn well could. But still I slept around and I believe I have had more than 30 partners in only 7 years of being sexually active. Some were protected, some were not.

I had an abortion at 17 & 21
Genital Warts at 18
Raped at 18
Breast Implants at 19 (required HIV testing)
chlamydia at 21 & 22

Throughout all of these years I was HIV tested every 6-9 months. In April of 2004 I met a man who I deeply feel in love with, before I moved to CA to be with him I had unprotected sex with the man who had given me chlamydia the year before. This man was very promiscuous and I personally know 3 of his later partners. I believe that he never properly used the chlamydia drugs that I had given him the year before, I found out that I had gotten chlamydia once again when I tested in CA in June of 2004. I tested for HIV on this same day.

I dragged my new boyfriend into the clinic to take care of the chlamydia. A week later I received a voicemail from the Health Department. THIS is when my 18 month hell began. While trying to get through to the health dept. I convinced myself that this phone call could only be a notification that I had tested positive for HIV. When I finally got through I learned that it was simply a follow up call concerning the chlamydia.

I never went back for the results. I was terrified. I tried to obtain them over the phone by lying and stating that I moved out of town, but they would not release them. I even went to another clinic 90 minutes away when I needed more birth control just so I wouldn’t have to hear the results. Every couple days I would think about it. This last month I successfully convinced myself that I am HIV positive simply because I experienced my first Yeast Infection and I had a pain in the front of my neck that stayed for 2 weeks. I have been tearing myself apart, crying, searching the internet, matching symptoms, not eating and not making any long term plans.

I have not been with any other men or women since April 2004. I just bought my first house and hope to marry soon. I have no desire to be with any other men. I want a family, I want to live. I drove myself crazy enough that I finally broke down and purchased the Express Home Access test. I figured that I need to know or I will just drive myself into the ground.

I couldn’t wait the full 3 days to call Home Access. I called the 2nd day, TODAY. I was shaking and sweating when I dialed the phone and collapsed to the ground when I was told that my test result was NEGATIVE!

18 months of bullshit. 18 months of driving myself insane. 18 months of expecting no future. I am ashamed that I put myself through that, I had too much pride to owe up to my mistakes. I am crying as I write this because I subjected myself to this unnecessary hell.

I did realize one thing through all of this : How much I want to live.

Go get tested! Do NOT do what I did.

Sorry for such a long post.

Post Extras: Remind Me!