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neverxagain
Unregistered

My story of reality and moral. Maybe Im not alone?
      #164812 - 11/21/05 09:50 AM

Between August 15th and the 22nd of this year I had intercoarse with a mutual friend, for the first few moment's we did not use a condom, but than I said we needed to stop and use one and she agreed, we were bit in the moment.
About 4 weeks later I heard about a "friend of a friend" who had herpes and had sex with someone whom I knew, they both knew the risks involved and protected themselves the best they could with the knowledge they had.
Well it turns out that the friend invloved with the sexual encounter had had sex with my prvious partner, unknown to me. The aspect of her sleepign with him did'nt bother me, but the fact that he may have had Herpes and passed it to her, and she may have passed it to me, made me quite concerned.

I was in a new relationship and had actually had intercoarse the night previous to hearing this new's. Needless to say I was stressed out beyond belief.
Around the end of September I went to get tested for Herpes.
A few days later I called back and got the new's that I had tested positive for Herpes. But they did not know if it was HSV-1 or HSV-2. All I knew to do was leave work and visit my mother and tell her, she is my guidiance in life, regardless if I listen to her or not. After talking to her I went to go see my girlfriend, and tell her the new's. She cried a little bit, but was accepting of the news.
At first I was very accepting of this change in my life, I mean hey it's just something I have to deal with, it's not going to kill me, but as the day's went on I grew increasingly worried that I may have something else, and could possibly be HIV positive.
I tried day and night to vocalize my worries and concerns with my partner, but when it came down to it all I could get out is that I had alot on my mind. Although her and I always use condoms, I had not always been that way infact with the 20 plus partners I had, I could'nt remember if I used to condoms with all of them, I would assume I did'nt if I could not remember. (I know I am a monster, I assure you though that they were all mutual, no forceing or dirt-bag tatics).

Anyway after a couple weeks of waiting her and I both went and got full STI/STD/HIV tests done, we would get our results back October 25th, I have to say those were the two longest weeks of my life, everytime the phone rang I knew it was going to be the clinic calling me to tell me some bad news.
I mean I had so many partners previously and not used condoms that I down right deserved to have something, for being so irresponsible and just plain naive.
These were thing's that I would not have wished on my worst enemey nor could I have imagined in my worst dreams.

As the two weeks went on I constantly read article after article, story after story about HIV and STI's. I am not going to lie I know the risks of other STI's but my main focus was HIV.
How could I deal with this? How would I tell my mother, how would I tell my partner and partners? Thats alot of talking todo and I wasnt planing on having alot of acceptance. I cried alot during this time. It's ok guys cry.
I started to become a recluse. From friends and family even my girlfriend. This started when I frirst went to get my Herpes test, but largely increased during the two week wait for my Results for HIV.
I also looked up old relationships, to tell them sorry about our encounter. I was having alot of moral guilt at the time. I was repenting for my so called "sins". It's sad, that something once before that was so nice was now causing me sever depression, and I looked at as wrong. I LOVE sex, and now I was disguisted by it.
I was also questioning my relationship at the time. Although we liked each other very much and I did care for her, this was alot to be going through, roughly 2 months into a relationship.

Finally the day came, we both went in to get our results. Although I had my worries, everyone I talked to including the doctors, nurses, clinic conseuler, and my mother said I needed to "come down" that I would be fine. Did they mean it? Or were they just saying that to keep me calm?
Well my girlfriend went first. The 5 or so minuets she was in there, felt like an enternity in the waiting room. She came out and did'nt say anything and just sat down.
I was next. I almost cried when she said I was Negative for everything they tested, HIV, Syphilas, etc; Including my Herpes! WHAT!?
I have never felt so happy in my life. A new lease on life.

But the happiness lasted for about 4 hours, because later that day I cheated on my girlfriend. Although we werent not very serious, we had gone through something very serious, and I know from talking to her she looked at it as something that brought us closer together, but I did not see it like that at all, I think I saw it as ok were alive, sorry about all that. She had been nothing but completely understanding and supportive through this whole thing even when I was being an a$$hole sitting in my room ignoing her calls, because I was stressed out about all of this.
How selfish can one man be? Was she not worried aswell?

The girl I cheated on her with, was an old girlfriend, whom I knew was not the best at having protected sex. She did not have many intercoarse partners, that I know of, but as they say it only takes one.
I insisted on using protection when we had sex, infact after I opened the condom, I though I may have ripped it, so I got another one just to be safe....

I just had the worst 5 seconds of sex in my life, with one of the most emotionally unstable people I know.
Her and I had always had an ongoing relationship until she moved out of state, only to return a year later. As soon as we were done, we both agreed that we could not be alone together, theyre were still feeling present.

I know none of you know me, but I have always been the person to frown upon cheating, Infact I a more often than not to be heard saying how I hate them!
Why did I do it? One of my close friends said it just went alone with the attitude I had been having the past couple months, where I had not been myself. I was doing things out of the normal.
Well me and my girlfriend broke up last week. I havent told her I cheated on her. I don't think I can. We had sex one time since the incident, in which we used a condom.

The real problem I have been having lately besides self-hatred for this act is am I really overly concerened with being infected with HIV, or is it that I went against one of my morals?
I mean I used a condom with both partners, is that enough?
I came back negative for my test after roughly 8 weeks.
Now I spend the remainder of my time reading constantly on the effectiveness of condoms and the probablity's of contracting HIV.

I should have had the greatest day ever after I got my results back but instead threw myself back in the quicksand.
My close friend said that I have indeed learned something from all this, I now use condoms everytime, and i use them correctly. And that I am letting my feelings interfere with my judgement, even when I made a good decision.

Am I really that concerned with getting HIV? or Am I just beating myself up for making a bad decision?
-I used condoms everytime.
-I came back negative for HIV
-My girlfriend came back negative for HIV
-My partner before her also went to get tested after the rumor of Herpes, and she(well she says) she came back negative for everything aswell.
-The partner i cheated with has had her STI tests before and has had them come back negative, infact she had a gyno exam about 6 month's ago(so she says).

I don't really know what to think or what my question is. I just wanted to share an experiance with you, maybe somone else has been in this position.
Cheating was wrong, and wearing condoms did'nt make it right, but was it a very good decision too?
Why am I such an a$$hole?
Signed-
confused in atlanta.

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neverxagain
Unregistered

Re: My story of reality and moral. Maybe Im not alone? new
      #164818 - 11/21/05 10:28 AM

I am bit embarrased I should add that during this time frame of all the studies and documents I read over I became really informed about HIV. I don't want anyone to think that just because I was scared meant that HIV was this horrible thing that only bad people get, like some punishment or something.
so in the phrase:
"I mean I had so many partners previously and not used condoms that I down right deserved to have something, for being so irresponsible and just plain naive.
These were thing's that I would not have wished on my worst enemey nor could I have imagined in my worst dreams."
I don't mean that in a hurtful way. I wish It on no-one but I understand it can happen.
I just felt personally naive about it, and to an extent uninformed, the sexual education in the U.S. today is seriously lacking. I mean how many young people will really take the time to inform themselves? I would have never done any of this, had It not be brought to my attention, the simple no-sex till marriage policey has got to be fixed.


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ItsFaith
Legend

Reged: 10/17/05
Posts: 1329
Re: My story of reality and moral. Maybe Im not alone? new
      #164820 - 11/21/05 10:34 AM

Unfortunately many people say similar things...I did....I made a horrible mistake and felt like I "deserved" to be punished....I understnad what you mean...and many others do....it is only after you relax a little do you realize that isn't a "punishment" handed out by God because you were an awful person...many many people that are infected are amazing, wonderful loving people....many people made mistakes, many were infected innocently by someone they loved and trusted....there are millions of stories to go along with the millions infected.

As to what is going on with you...I don't pass judgment on anyone...I don't condone cheating...but, I have made my mistakes and have done it in my past...I have learned from my mistakes and hope that you can too. I don't think you should worry...you tested negative...and then you wore protection.

I think the problem you need to concern yourself with is why you cheated.... But, you used protection, so you HIV wouldn't be my concern.



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neverxagain
Unregistered

Re: My story of reality and moral. Maybe Im not alone? new
      #164823 - 11/21/05 10:42 AM

Thank you.
Your words were very nice.
I am at that age now where it's:
"to old to be naive, to young to know anything" or the ealry twenties, ha ha.
I am glad that I have since informed myself and taken the right measures. I just hate that it had to happen like this.

I don't condone cheating either. But I think at the time I was looking at the partner I cheated with as the anti-thesis of everything that was happening.
I really have let my concerns interact with my life, instead of looking at like something that could happen, I look at it like something that will happen. Instead of it being something someone could have, I have just seen it as something everyone has.; And I am trying to break that way of thinking.

Thank you once again. I hope I am not the only that has felt this way or been in this position.

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ravi
Legend

Reged: 11/19/05
Posts: 1148
Loc: Adelaide, Australia
Re: My story of reality and moral. Maybe Im not alone? new
      #164824 - 11/21/05 10:42 AM

hi

regards from india

Firstoff i refute your claims under which you state you are an ------, i wouldn't say that you are pretty intellegent to engage in sex using condoms.

Look there are couple of things which i would like to bring about, STD's are easy to catch when compared to HIV.You have stated you have tested positive for herpes, fine it is quite a manageable condition. Certainly having a std does not prove that you are HIV positive.Besides as you have correctly pointed out a herpes test would not tell you with which herpes are you infected, however you had two contradictory results(you once tested positive and once negative)

Unless you are in a monogamous relationship i would urge you use condoms.

what do i do now?? well first off sort out what exactly you want, whether you intend to stay in a relationship or have different partners, this is a personal issue and i wouldnt comment further,whatever you decide i believe should be the best for you.

Your HIV test two months post exposure is encouraging, however you need to test at 12 weeks for a definitive result, provided you did not have any other exposure which was unprotected, barring august 22.

goodluck!

stay well

take care

god bless you

love ravi

--------------------
Take Care

God Bless you

Stay Well

Love Ravi

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ItsFaith
Legend

Reged: 10/17/05
Posts: 1329
Re: My story of reality and moral. Maybe Im not alone? new
      #164825 - 11/21/05 10:45 AM

No....be assured you are NOT the only one that has felt this way or been in this position. Take this lesson and go forward to enjoy your twenties as you should.... because soo you will be old like me (35) and ready for a rocking chair and hearing aid. :-)

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neverxagain
Unregistered

Re: My story of reality and moral. Maybe Im not alone? new
      #164827 - 11/21/05 10:45 AM

The thought of having to go back, is just so scary.
You don't think the 8 weeks was long enough?

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neverxagain
Unregistered

Re: My story of reality and moral. Maybe Im not alone? new
      #164828 - 11/21/05 10:47 AM

That is not old, don't kid yourself everyone knows you dont really start living until your 40, so says my mother. Ha ha.
I am off to work but look forward to checking back this evening, I hope you all have a good day.

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ItsFaith
Legend

Reged: 10/17/05
Posts: 1329
Re: My story of reality and moral. Maybe Im not alone? new
      #164830 - 11/21/05 10:52 AM

Eight weeks is a great indicator, but not definative until 3 months......I know it's hard, but you will have to go back for one more. I'm sure you will be fine.

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ravi
Legend

Reged: 11/19/05
Posts: 1148
Loc: Adelaide, Australia
Re: My story of reality and moral. Maybe Im not alone? new
      #164831 - 11/21/05 10:54 AM

hi

regards from india

Probably, most likely you are not infected!however we need to follow the CDC guidelines which state a test at 12 weeks is conclusive.

You should be fine!!

stay well

take care

god bless you

love ravi

--------------------
Take Care

God Bless you

Stay Well

Love Ravi

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: My story of reality and moral. Maybe Im not alone? new
      #164834 - 11/21/05 11:41 AM

HEY..
do you mind emails?, i feel the same way you do, and i been trying to find a better explanation that i am just an axxxle, so let me know, i can email you to your addy with my story

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ItsFaith
Legend

Reged: 10/17/05
Posts: 1329
Re: My story of reality and moral. Maybe Im not alone? new
      #164841 - 11/21/05 12:15 PM

thanks....I feel so much better now! *L* Actually, I didn't really enjoy life until I hit 28....I definetly am at my "peak" *L* Have a good day...try not to worry too much...I'm sure you are fine.

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neverxagain
Unregistered

Re: My story of reality and moral. Maybe Im not alone? new
      #164843 - 11/21/05 12:34 PM

How about I email you first?
Just leave me your email, and I will contact you this evening.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: My story of reality and moral. Maybe Im not alone? new
      #164844 - 11/21/05 12:35 PM

Hey.
I know exactly how you feel.
I am in the same way, and do not go with my upbringing. I always thought about monogamy, one partner, loyalty, trust. I find myself breaking all of that. Not only that, I feel I am even selfish, cause if it was my partner doing everything I have done, I would not be forgiving.

I had my results 3 weeks ago, after been sooo worry. Not only that my partner caught me cheating, and after many talks, we still together. But deep inside of me there is a desire for sex that cannot be satisfy with one person.

Some people I know, including my partner can deal with people like that, and will not mind if the person have sex outside the relationship, as long as does not mean anything more than just sex, and of course been careful. I had embrace that thinking cause what I have done, but find myself feel like an ass after every encounter, and not only that…I ask myself would I forgive my partner if I know he is doing the same?

So yes, it is a very hard thing to deal with, especially that no matter how much you protect yourself, there is always a small risk.

So, why we act this way? I do not know. But I have been there and the satisfaction you get when you do what you wants to do, do not compare with the emptiness that sometimes you feel for doing what goes again your upbringing. Do we think about it when we want to have sex with others?, NO. do we think about the consequences?, No.
After it everything hit us in the face.

I should be glad my result were negative, I should it started a new chapter, I should it learn from my mistakes, and be a better person. But does this behavior makes me a bad person?, it is a mess sometimes…a hard one to understand, not even when you are the one living it.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: My story of reality and moral. Maybe Im not alone? new
      #164856 - 11/21/05 01:40 PM

zabdyy@yahoo.com

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