Advertisement
The Body: The Complete HIV/AIDS Resource
Follow Us Follow Us on Facebook Follow Us on Twitter Download Our App
Professionals >> Visit The Body PROThe Body en Espanol
Read Now: TheBodyPRO.com Covers AIDS 2014

HIV Transmission and Education >> Am I Infected?

Pages: 1
Anonymous
Unregistered

Coming up on first week of rest of life, WI chris
      #162969 - 10/30/05 10:14 AM

Damn sundays, how come every one of em kills me emotionally? Friday i was so relaxed nearly cocky, well actually i likely was, now it's sunday, and wow.......this week is the week where i find out the rest of my life, and that makes me a wreck.

to make issues worse, i can't even check my yahoo messenger to see if my pal might be online cuz i got hit with a pm bomb or something like it, and until i fix that i really can't use messenger. i was told to shut off pm's but i can't figure that out. Anyway, yeah it's sunday, i'm sad, and aggitated at the same time. i wanna lash out, i want everything i've kept inside me taken out on something. actually the best way to describe me now is, feeling anxious with nothing to do, and a touch of anger.

Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Coming up on first week of rest of life, WI chris new
      #162979 - 10/30/05 06:14 PM

today has been to much, it's like a cruel joke is being played on me and i don't even realize it. i've got a headache from hell and a crappy taste in my mouth. i can't concentrate on anything, i'm being a total ass to my kids. god i'm just beside myself and nothing i do is helping. this week is the week, it has to be but i'm not ready i don't want it. i keep looking at my muscle relaxers knowing how peaceful all this torment would end. so i take the bottle and put it down, because i'd be long gone in front of my kids before my wife got home. i don't want her to find me like that especially the kids having witness such a thing. then i'm like hey i'm going out to the rifle range tomorrow and i could make a "mistake" but it's halloween, you can't do something like that on halloween....well then i'm to tuesday, tuesday can't work cuz my wife and i are of all day together. by then i may have my results, or i may not. maybe then i'll have wished i waited for everyone to fall asleep tonite, and wander off into the country and finish my muscle relaxers and not being found until well later on. so does it matter? i can't make up my mind, maybe it's gods way of helping me not concentrate today.
i'm damned to hell, no matter how ya cut the mustard i'm damned damned damned......i broke to many commandments not to be, well that is if my wife is hiv negative, then at least i haven't broken thou shalt not kill. no savior, no prayers, no nothing will help my soul. now tell me, is it worth it? every day for the last 3 months i've asked myself was it worth it, was it worth getting drunk and stupid, was it worth it? huh was it worth it? no, not at all......does it matter now, as i take your time reading this? that's one thing i'm sorry for, the pity party i've gotten, i don't need pity. i'm sorry i wasted your time, you could be giving somone else advice in the time you took to read this. all of the your fines and you'll test negative, to me is just something you tell somebody so they keep sanity. you have no clue i'm ok, you have no clue i'll test negative. you don't know, but you don't want me to go overboard, so you fill me with words that sustain me.

yeah, tell me i need anger management or counseling or whatever, yeah i know maybe i do. but you are not me, and you do not know how i feel. you might relate, but that's all....it's relative, you just don't know. i looked to this board for help today, and got none....as my day went on and the none continued i succomed to madness. it's like i'm only good enough when you are bored at work, or you are alone at home and bored. nothing matters, nothing really matter at all. seems jacking off with piss panties is a hotter topic than anything else. i don't care anymore, after this i'm sure no one here will either.....so i'll just take that as i took today, maybe when someone is bored, humor can be found in my dismay.

Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Coming up on first week of rest of life, WI chris new
      #162982 - 10/30/05 06:54 PM

forgot to mention, i don't want a reply, what's the point....so whatever, debtex, daisey, and faith just consider me positive. i'm never coming back here again anyway. faith take me off your messenger list, i could care less to ever talk to you again.
FTW

Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Jackie_Blue
Legend

Reged: 10/26/00
Posts: 2028
Re: Coming up on first week of rest of life, WI chris new
      #162995 - 10/30/05 11:09 PM

My arent' we just wallowing in that self pity. One of the best displays of self pity I've ever seen. Bravo.

Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
daisey6205
Legend

Reged: 09/08/05
Posts: 1091
Loc: kansas
Re: Coming up on first week of rest of life, WI chris new
      #163006 - 10/31/05 11:16 AM

i am hoping that you do come back here and you find this message. last week when i was given soooo much shit by some people i had pissed off, i told faith maybe i should just stop coming here, because i was so upset over what had happened, but something kept me coming back, i only hope the same thing happens to you.
self pity is terrible. it sounds to me like you are going to self destruct. i am sorry you feel that there is nothing left for you, but to be honest with you as long as you keep thinking the way you do, then there really isn't anything left for you. you can chose to live or you can chose to die, no one else is in charge of that besides you and god. we all have days when we don't know what we are going to do, but most of us chose to value the life we do have and make the most of what god has given us. we find a way to be happy with what we have. it may not be the best, but i promise you it isn't the worst! someone out there always has it worse than you do. you feel that hiv is the end of your world, when in reality it isn't. nothing i can say or anyone else can say will change your mind about how you feel, but we can offer support to help you get through this trying time in your life. it is hard, there is nothing easy about "life". everyday is something else to bring you down, regardless of hiv or not, but it is how you chose to deal with it. i hope one day you can look back on your messages and say that you were an ass for leaving them and thank god that you were negative. i hope you remember the people that came to this site newly infected and read your messages and how you left them feeling hopeless as well, when they came looking for support and encouragement, but instead was left with your message declaring disaster of possible hiv exposure. i hope that in all reality, it was just a moment of weakness that you had and that you really are not a selfish person that needed a pity party.
i truely hope your test is negative and that you are able to find the strength to move on. as for the others that have read these messages....................
hiv is not the end of the world and there are people that come to this site to help others and through their strength you will find the courage to get through whatever the day may bring.
love,
daisey

Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Coming up on first week of rest of life, WI chris new
      #163014 - 10/31/05 02:04 PM

see, now i'm condemned for speaking my mind. if i'm neg or poz whichever, i'm basically done here anyway. i felt i should respond to you out of respect. support, hmmm i needed it bad yesterday, didn't get it. so what's the point in expressing anything, or saying anything. as far as i am concerned i'm amusement, or a game. who knows what the odds are on me, but i''m sure the payoff for the winner would be pretty good. i actually trusted people here, i don't trust someone i don't know, but here was different. now here doesn't exist either. i'm sorry if someone newly infected read my message, but there are tons of the other ones here to read, and enjoy contradicting variations of explanations.

in closing, i don't give a shit, spend your time on someone that does

Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
daisey6205
Legend

Reged: 09/08/05
Posts: 1091
Loc: kansas
Re: Coming up on first week of rest of life, WI chris new
      #163017 - 10/31/05 02:44 PM

i think you do give a shit and so do those of us that come here to help others, unfortunately chris i live in the stone ages at home. i live so far out in the country, i can not get internet services at my residence. it sucks that no one else had the ability to write to you either. let me a sure you that if i had the access to contact you yesterday, i would have. i am sorry. you are not condemed. i know your frustration all too well. i guess i just have a hard time expressing the frustration. i keep all my emotions inside and i am sure one day i too will blow a gasket. i can't say anything to take away your pain or your frustration, believe me if i could, i would. we all have our own way of dealing with anger and resentment, yours just happened to come across at the wrong people. we are not to blame for what has happened or may have happened to you. we are all in the same boat, but some of us already know our outcome. the waiting, worrying, and not knowing is a terrible feeling. i felt like a puppet on a string for so long and now i just feel like a lab rat. it is not fair, not to you or to anyone.
believe me you are not here for our amusement, believe me the poster that calls himself worried12 has that title already(ha ha). not too many people do trust people they have never met, but see that is the good thing about these boards, you are not judged for what you may or may not have done. we are not here to judge, we are here to help even when it may seem like we are not here, we always get back to you. it may not always be as soon as you would like, but i am sorry i was not there when you needed it most.
love no matter what
daisey

Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
debtex
Legend

Reged: 03/21/05
Posts: 846
this is your anxiety about your results new
      #163018 - 10/31/05 02:55 PM

I'm sorry you feel as though nobody is here for you. we've responded very positively in every one of your posts....sometimes its not answered as quickly as you need. I know you must be under alot of pressure about your results, which I'm sure you've already recieved, and hopefully are in a much better mood today.

To hell with it all huh.....?? so all these emotions that you have felt and gone thru were for nothing?? hopefully it was enough to not put you at risk again.....but to express such anger toward us (who most mind you....LIVE DAILY WITH THE ONE THING YOU ARE TERRIFIED TO GET), is insensitive. That we are not here....watching and waiting to "who" may need help at every moment. Do you not think that there are normal things that go on in our crazy lives (just as yours is)..that we can even GET to the computer as "urgently" as you need. We have jobs, children, families, and responsibilities as well as you do. and you know what....we also have problems in our lives as well. so please do forgive us (and this is sarcasm) if we are not around to ease your anxiety. Hopefully.....when you get your negative results, you will not forget the world of people who have already touched you and comforted you who DO live with hiv. oh, but wait....."you already have".

so, you're damn to hell too huh?? Is that what WE with hiv are?? You are free to speak your mind, of course you are. but lets not forget....if this is where YOUR mind stands...you have basically just said to us.....living life with hiv....is damning to hell. !! yes...all the "you're fine" comments, sure was enough to help you out when you wanted to hear it...but the FACT OF THE MATTER IS....even if you (or anyone else) unfortunately tests positive.....YOU WILL BE FINE!! life DOES go on. but it just goes on differenly. and life is much more appreciative.

hopefully you do learn from this. but no...I dont say to ANYONE (unless I know from the risk) that they will test negative. ... but I do always say....you will be ok!! because no matter WHAT life throws at you.....people who are in our lives love us...as we do them---so life does go on. and once thru the crazy stuff......WE WILL BE FINE!!

DAMNING IT ALL TO HELL is NOT going to change anything. except in my eyes.....HOW you view life with hiv.

i'm sure things went well today...but i'm sorry that you BROKE and lashed out at those who really wanted to cheer well for you today. because now....I dont want to "share" your joy with you. because to you HIV IS A CRUEL JOKE!! haha....such as my funny life forever huh!!



Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
ItsFaith
Legend

Reged: 10/17/05
Posts: 1329
wow new
      #163022 - 10/31/05 03:48 PM

Wow Chris....I'm so sorry that you are so angry. I think it may be somewhat displaced anger though. True, some people here may be harsh at times, but often it is because they live with HIV and are suffering themselves. But, I don't think anyone feels you are their amusement! You weren't mine. I'm sorry that I wasn't here for you yesterday....Truly. I have promised you I would be here to help you through this, but I was busy with the kids and had limited computer time. I'm sorry you felt so alone. I am here if you need me...you are not a joke, or amusement to me. I know your pain and your fear, and will do what I can to help.

Love and Prayers
Faith

Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Coming up on first week of rest of life, WI chris new
      #163098 - 11/01/05 09:36 PM

i'm negative, found out yesterday...so i'm out

peace

Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
debtex
Legend

Reged: 03/21/05
Posts: 846
Re: Coming up on first week of rest of life, WI chris new
      #163107 - 11/02/05 08:23 AM

course....! good for your tests....but its nice to know that you only will allow yourself to get to know people with hiv--just because you have a scare. now that you are OK...its back to your blissful life!! I hate wasting help on people like you, who only hear WHEN they WANT to hear it!! It didn't CHANGE you....and thats too bad--because now that your 12 weeks are up.....you can get back to not appreciating what life is supposed to be



Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
ItsFaith
Legend

Reged: 10/17/05
Posts: 1329
Re: Coming up on first week of rest of life, WI chris new
      #163116 - 11/02/05 10:30 AM

Deb, I too am glad that Chris's test was negative. Something you said really struck a chord with me. See, I tested negative at 11 weeks and 3 days.....and am moving on...letting go of my fear. My friends have said to me that I should stop coming to this site because it probably feeds my fears, keeping me thinking abouty HIV....but, you know what....I won't stop coming here. I have made some dear friends...and I have come to care about the people here so much that I want to be here for them like they were here for me in my time of need. You, Gman, Steve, Daisey...all have been so inspirational to me. I am negative (that is the first time I have said that with conviction) but I have learned so much about HIV and I want to be able to help, learn, and make a difference. I won't go back to my life like none of this happened to me. My life has been forever changed..in a good way. I am more enlightened and touched deeply by some amazing people that I pray for every day.

God Bless each and every one of you each and every day.
Faith


Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
daisey6205
Legend

Reged: 09/08/05
Posts: 1091
Loc: kansas
Re: Coming up on first week of rest of life, WI chris new
      #163120 - 11/02/05 12:54 PM

faith-
i love you girl! stay true to you and of course your other friends are going to tell you to drop us, because they don't understand what you have gone through.
love you so much!
daisey

Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
debtex
Legend

Reged: 03/21/05
Posts: 846
Re: Coming up on first week of rest of life, WI chris new
      #163135 - 11/02/05 03:29 PM

hey faith....
i'm glad to see first and most importantly that you trust and believe your test...but most of all...that this need to be tested DID truly change your life. I definitly was not giving chris a hard time, because I think he should be here daily talking to us, or remembering us.....but for the people who tried helping him thru this (even negative folks)....to continue in the same kind manner that he has always had with us....so that we could have been just as happy for him...as if it were US hearing it was negative. (what a relief!!). but to him...these words from poz or neg folks....were just something to get him thru the 3 months. i'm not saying, why aren't you talking to me everyday...and remembering all the hiv positive people. but I would have been just as much woohooing for him as he was...but his true colors came thru when it came down to crunch time.
faith...I am very glad to hear that this test changed your life. if anyone has ever been put at risk for hiv, they should ALL be tested. but just ONCE....it should change things. how you see yourself, how you choose to do things....realizing how VALUABLE you and your life are. i'm glad it has been this for you. I do want you to move on also....but I never want you to forget how precious you are in everyones eyes and always keep yourself safe.
i'm definitly not saying...if your not posting here everyday then you have forgotten about the world of hiv. but to be angry and nasty when someone doesnt answer back in a timely fashion for you...it was being selfish of him.

i'm very fortunate to know you now faith...

love and prayers,
debbie

Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
ItsFaith
Legend

Reged: 10/17/05
Posts: 1329
Re: Coming up on first week of rest of life, WI ch new
      #163145 - 11/02/05 04:48 PM

Oh Deb, I didn't think you meant that Chris should be here everyday or were giving him a hard time at all...I guess his "I'm neg...I'm out" comment may have rubbed me the wrong way a little because The people here that cared so much deserve better than that...especially after lashing out because he didn't get a timely response. I guess I was harder on him than you were! *L*

I'm so blessed to have found so many wonderful people.

Luv and Hugs. (and lots of prayers!)

Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Pages: 1


What's New at TheBody.com

Additional Information
0 registered and 2 anonymous users are browsing this forum.

Moderator:  TheBody, bogart, crabman, riverprincess 

Permissions
      You cannot start new topics
      You cannot reply to topics
      HTML is enabled
      UBBCode is enabled

Thread views: 2930

 
Jump to

Contact Us | Privacy Statement The Body

*
UBB.threads™ 6.2.3