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HIV Transmission and Education >> Am I Infected?

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Anonymous
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dead man, dead man walking
      #161215 - 10/05/05 05:13 PM

i keep reading odds and stats and all of the one time insertive vaginal sex stuff. i'm wondering if my constant depression, well worthlessness, my infidelity, how i let down my wife and family. if that's really whats still eating me alive from the inside out, i constantly have headaches, which i'm figuring are from my stress since they stem from my neck. at the one time the odds and stats relaxed me, and now they don't, i'll either have it or not, one time sex and i'll get it.
i'm being entirely anal about me, i just wait for something to happen for ARS and it doesn't i'm out to 65 days or something since possible exposure. i want everything to just stop, but i can't control any of it. i feel like i'll never be happy again and it's so overwhelming. i'm a terrible rotten person, plain and simple i cheated on my wife, and i'm going to have to pay for that for the rest of my life. literally i'm sliding through existance, yeah i should have counseling but i don't wanna. it seems the more i suffer the more of gods forgivness i will have. i'm constantly praying for help from god, and even deceased family members, to no avail...well not that i notice, then again, would i notice? maybe i had this emotional mental issue and this was the icing on the cake? either way i have myself condemned to this hell, yes it is hell and i created it. i don't deserve anything my wife is still with me, but seemingly less interested in anything with me. i'm so sincerely disgusted in myself words alone cannot express my feelings. this sounds like a suicide letter i know, but it's not...i have to wait, and that alone is killing me, i have to test first at 3 months which is the 26th, then who knows how long to find out. i honestly feel that taking my life after a poz result is best really, no one will change that notion. i will not exist another 20 or 30 years having the guilt of unfaithfullness eating away at me. it would be selfish for me to stay with my wife, taking away her chance of living a happy wonderful life because of her hiv husband. she deserves better than me. well thats my story........perhaps i won't recover???? my deceased family members are preparing my place.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: dead man, dead man walking new
      #161217 - 10/05/05 06:13 PM

I felt just the way you did, and I sometimes wonder if I will again if I receive a pos result, I am in the exact same position you are in. In fact I cheated on my wife in August only after we had been married for three months, so I feel your pain on the guilt. I am just like you, maybe even worse. I can take every situation and find any negative available and run with it. The first couple of days I thought my body was going through ARS I was so bad I think I could have been committed, especially when you have no one to talk to. I was screaming at God to let her be ok, and crying to my mother(she passed a few years ago) asking how this could be. I was fortunate enough to see a good doctor who realized how much of my pain was associated to guilt, fear, panic, and anxiety and he made sure to treat that problem first. Since then I have reached my 6 week mark and everything looks good. My 4 week test came back negative, and a 22 day PCR shows no trace. I now have faith that I am not infected and that I am going to be ok, and trust me I have had every symptom. The point to why I am telling you all of this is that you have to relax and have faith that you will be ok. Untill the blood work shows different, symptoms mean nothing. Also that I am in your shoes as well and that as me a lot of the symptoms you my be having are due to stress, anxiety, guilt, etc.. You should also due some research on the disease, because even though your chances of being infected are slim to none, it is nice to know that it is not really this dreaded death sentence that it used to be, they have come a long way. Take this as a sign to open your eyes to see the beautiful life that you have. While your eyes are open, understand how truley blessed most of us really are in life, and all the things, even the small ones you can do to make it better for yourself and everyone around you. Learn to appreciate all that you have and never take any of it for granted. Finally now that you have an idea of how frustrating this can be, have a special appreciation, as I have learned to have, for those you are living with this. You will be fine, but take care of yourself and of course do not do anything rash. It will work out for us, just have faith and patience.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: dead man, dead man walking new
      #161221 - 10/05/05 07:28 PM

i tested negative at 30 days, unsure which test i had...don't really have the desire to find out, i'm pretty sure it was by labcorp and thats all, but i don't know if they also do std screening as i have had that to. on my insurance statement i was charged for 3 different labs which came to total approx 50 dollars. which was when i had my blood drawn for my hiv testing. it's hard, it's hell and i want it to go away, i'm to blind to see any positive right now except the dreaded one. i won't go over the deep end yet, i have to keep that much strength for now. it's just hard with my wife knowing i cheated and seeing her pain and fears from that. it's not even the hiv that bothers her as she assures me i am fine also. i told my mom, and she tells me i'm just over-reacting, i beg my dad who will be gone for 4 years on the 6th to help me and guide me, and it's like i've let him down so much he won't even do that. i always had the feeling that people from the other side could contact you in your time of need or something like that. i haven't had any of that at all, so maybe i do need to suffer to learn my lesson. maybe the suffering is what will set me free. i force myself to eat and go to work as that's what i have to do, when i sleep...i always wake in a panic and am afraid of something, i can never put my finger on it. i'm typically a very strong person, nothing can make me sudder or worry....hmmm guess i'm not as strong as i thought i was. i have since refrained from alcohol which well hasn't made things any better. i never really drank anyway, but now i could really use a beer.

it's nice i'm not alone, but i wish i was in this situation....no matter how you look at it cheating is terrible, and i only wish my issues would help the next married man, think before acting. but it won't, this is going to be a revolving door issue, next week or next month another married man will be on the board worried about hiv, while hopefully we have gotten to the negative test. we will be again reliving this torture for another person. giving assurance, and advice.

i appreaciate hearing from you, it's nice to post and hear from someone, i'm pretty alone. so i don't have somone i can confide my fears and stresses to. i know my wife couldn't handle all this in her lap. i don't want to drive her from me, but closer to me

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: dead man, dead man walking new
      #161224 - 10/05/05 07:34 PM

To the original poster, what you are feeling is guilt, as you know, but you have to let go of that. I was not sure from y our post whether or not your wife knows that you were unfaithful, but if she does, know that she is still with you, and loves you. If she doesn't know, perhaps being h onest will help you to begin to forgive yourself. I am in the same boat (except i'm female) and I do know that forgiving yourself is the hardest part. But, I think what concerned me most about your post is that you feel the more you suffer the more God will forgive you...that isn't true. God forgives you the minute you commit a wrong. He is a loving and forgiving God and does NOT want you to suffer. He has already forgiven you...and now you must do the same. I am working on that...but, I have chosen not to tell my husband at this time, because I know that he would leave me, so I'm waiting for the results of my test, and if, by the Grace of God it is negative, I'm going to forgive myself, and move forward, being the best wife and mother that I can be. And, you should do the same sweetie. You NEED to do the same. We are human...and humans are imperfect. We all make mistakes...some bigger than others, some equally as big, but in different ways. You are not a bad person. Good people make bad decisions! I'm a good person. I am loving, kind, compassionate, forgiving...I just f'd up because I also happened to be horny (lol) I'm not trying to make light of it. Because it is serious....not something I want to ever do again...and I have learned from it....learned how much my husband means to me. And, I think you have too. I think you know how important she is to y ou, and you can move on, keeping that lesson close to your heart. you will be a better husband...a better man because of it. It's kinda like a rain storm...they are bad, sometimes they cause destruction and sadness, but after them you get a bright sunny day with a beautiful rainbow. This does not have to be an end for you, but a beginning. I will pray that God grants you peace and the strength to forgive yourself.

The guilt is what is going to kill you...NOT HIV. I would bet my life that isn't an issue....so, once you get a negative test just forget it and focus on forgiveness. It can come. (and don't be so quick to shun counseling. It can be an invaluable tool.)

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: dead man, dead man walking new
      #161225 - 10/05/05 08:20 PM

you know, i can read that and understand it and feel better for minutes afterward. i took one of my pills the dr gave me supposed to be a muscle relaxer but its for stress and anxiety from what the printout says...i had to take one but only half it's diazapam....wow, didn't help other than make me feel sicky drunky. but yes my wife knows, i keep having this recurring memory that i had sex, it wasn't something i wanted for sure, i remember laying down, getting oral and that wasn't worth it, then all of a sudden it felt good and i ignored it, and i moved my hands down there and it wasn't her face on me, but a body. i am positive that had to have happened now. it's all that goes through my mind. i can't tell my wife this part now, cuz ok i can't be positive it's a dirty trick my mind is playig on me to make me worry and cry even more.

as always, thanks for responding.....what a club to be part of the married cheater hiv club....i can honestly think of a better way to live.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: dead man, dead man walking new
      #161244 - 10/06/05 09:10 AM

Okay, first yes, it's your mind playing tricks on you (Hi Chris it's Trish!*L*) I have done the EXACT same thing to myself...despite people I was with TELLING me that I didn't do what I remember doing...and they were not wasted, I was. So, forget that part of it. This is the cheater/worriers club, I'm sending out cards as we speak. You said something about feeling like your father isn't helping you despite asking...well, that reminds me of a poem called "footprints" If you never read it, I'll summarize. A man had a dream where he was walking along with God on the beach....through his life there was two sets of prints in the sand....except during the troubled times...there was only one set. The man asked God why he abanonded him during his time of need. God said he didn't abandon him, during those times he was carrying him. Perhaps God is allowing you to feel and worry a little so that you learn something. If you prayed and got your answer "You are NEGATIVE" right away, perhaps you wouldn't learn as much...now you have a new appreciation for the love you and your wife have for each other....you know she loves you enough to stick through the tough times...and you know you don't want to lose her. Once you get your negative, you can move forward with this new knowledge and deeper appreciation! God has not abandoned you...nor has your dad. These are just things you need to feel, to learn what you hold dearest.

Try to smile. Think of how much your wife and kids love and need you! Let that be your inspiration for going forward each day.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: dead man, dead man walking new
      #161250 - 10/06/05 03:00 PM

Reality Check Time.

I, like you, went through the same thing. When you stray, cheat, whatever, and you are a decent sort, you regret it the second it is over.

Then, the worry about STDs and HIV starts. For me, it started almost instantly.

I, literally, almost ruined my career because I, like you, simply drifted through every day. I didn't give a damn that my phone was ringing off the hook or that emails went unread and/or unanswered for days. All I could do was surf the web, worry, cry and stumble around. I couldn't wait to go to bed just to stop thinking about it for a few hours. Then, I'd wake up and it would start all over again.

You HAVE to do a few things for yourself:

1. You have to take a realistic look at your exposure and look at the odds of infection. My guess...the odds are infintessimally (sp?) small.

2. If you have tested past 6 weeks or so, you have to take great solace in that. It likely would be some sort of medical anamoly for you to be infected if you are past the 6 week mark.

3. You have to forgive yourself and chalk it up to experience. Learn from this. If your marriage is crummy and that's why you cheated, fix your marriage or move on. But...you can't unring the bell. It happened and its over. Think 2x about telling your wife. What she doesn't know won't hurt her and telling her might relieve your anxiety and might simply transfer it to her...so think about it. I told my wife to ease my own guilt and it just (kinda) made things worse.

4. Relieve some of your stress. If you like to work out...go and work out like crazy...and then go have a couple of beers.

5. Remember...your symptoms are guilt and stress related...they are...trust me...I've had everything. I used to carry a thermometer around with me and check my temp at work every hour or so. I poked and prodded myself. It was pathetic. I was convinced that I was going to turn up positive.

6. When you find out everything is ok...and you will...take solace in that, move on and don't make the same mistake again.

Peace

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: dead man, dead man walking new
      #161257 - 10/06/05 06:11 PM

hi trish, yup it's chris...how could you guess :) i again have to agree with you and feel you are right. i do need this time to sweat out the results to learn the most from the mistake. last nite before going to work i was taking a nap and something powerful came over me and said negative, like i was getting yelled at or something. can't help but wonder if i again am playing tricks on myself.
today i feel like i have a chest cold, ya know tight chest hard cough. the inside of my check feels funny, but no pain...i think the only pain i have is in my face muscle like at the jaw and check bone. see how i'm still over analyizing myself

i wanna know how your mouth sore turned out. if it got better i'm guess it did cuz you are seeming much more perky now. i hope to catch you on messenger friday....till then take care, pray and have peace

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Anonymous
Unregistered

hyper analyzing new
      #161259 - 10/06/05 06:19 PM

i looked up my area and in the 3 counties surronding my county of existance there are like 500 total aids and hiv cases combined. in a population of 180,000 for the 3 counties. i'm feeling that low incident.

i didn't cheat for boredom or a crummy marriage, i just got this attention i have never had before. i realize i don't have that kind of attention is because we have kids and you can't have that kind of closeness in front of them.....lesson 1 learned

well debating on testing at 71 days to just get this out of my head and move on. so i'm not sure where at this part

my biggest concern is how can our feelings and issues be expressed to other married men. this is like an epidemic, and who knows how many lives will end short because of the worry, guilt, stress.
today is a good day, so i feel i'm going to be fine.....i just want to stay positively negative

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: hyper analyzing new
      #161265 - 10/06/05 06:48 PM

I have done that math myself...helps a little bit! You will be fine. Test and move on.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: dead man, dead man walking new
      #161267 - 10/06/05 07:00 PM

See how well I know you already???? If you had a mouth sore, you would know. They hurt like hell....so, if you aren't in pain, you don't have one. Mine is almost gone....I did read somewhere that the really bad ones can take up to 30 days to go away...I have always gotten them from stress, and with this stress, this was a bad one. So, I stopped freaking out about it. I'm pretending to be perky....I'm actually freakin' scared out of my mind....I get my resuults on Monday, so I could have 4 more days of worry, or 4 more days not knowing I'm positive. Trying to keep busy and not think too much, but that is like trying not to breath. Anyway...listen to that voice....maybe it is time to move on for you. You've learned a valuable lesson....maybe the teacher has decided that the lesson is over now and you can now share what you've learned....I will be sharing forever here on this site...helping others to get through this hell on earth...maybe that is what we have been called to do...like so many others here. I have met some amazing people....faceless angels that have helped me so much...and now I will try to do the same. Get that test now...it will be negative again and then you and your wife can mend the damage that's been done.

Peace sweetie.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: dead man, dead man walking new
      #161268 - 10/06/05 07:04 PM

Chris, trish here again... face pain is from STRESS...pain near your jaw and cheekbone tells me that you are clenching your teeth (from stress). Try to relax your face a little...it will help. As for the chest cough....not to be repetitive, but STOP SMOKING. ;-)

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: dead man, dead man walking new
      #161270 - 10/06/05 07:09 PM

Well put! Chris, this guy knows what he's talking about. (AND, he made me feel better because I know I'm not the only one that carries a thermometer around and takes my temperature every 20 minutes....was feeling rather freakish!) Forgive yourself. I'm trying to....yes, it will be easier once you have the negative result...but it is key for moving forward. Between now and the test, keep yourself occupied (and, i would suggest taking a ride on your bike or taking the kids to the playground....NOT webcam:-p)

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daisey6205
Legend

Reged: 09/08/05
Posts: 1091
Loc: kansas
Re: dead man, dead man walking new
      #161663 - 10/11/05 10:52 PM

i hope you are getting through this all ok. i know it is hard... years ago i cheated on my hubbie. i told him and about 2 years later we split up, by my choice. we are back together now (we remarried 06/2005) after 5 years. he came down hiv+ and i thought it was over for us before we even got started. i still married him and found out 2 months later i too had hiv. i don't care though. we are together. i love him so very much that i know now how important he is to my life. he completes me.
i understand what you are feeling. guilt is a terrible thing. you will find the strength to be able to get through this. i know people are telling you to do research, but i believe that the more you research before you have a + or - test, the more you feel like you have every symptom of every disease. it becomes hard to seperate fact from fiction. the odds are in your favor, rejoice in that. value your family and enjoy them. love the life you have. it is amazing how one minute we want so much more, but then the guilt eats us up and suddenly we realize what we have at home. i am guilty as charged...but god does not continually punish us for our mistakes, he forgives, and hopes that we learn from our mistakes and can pass on our learned lesson to others when needed.
i am sure that you are going to get through this. remember we are all here if you need to talk.
daisey

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