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HIV Transmission and Education >> Am I Infected?

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Anonymous
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rough labor day weekend
      #159513 - 09/04/05 04:49 AM

first off i'd like to say how calming this area is since it has more activity than living with HIV does. I'd also like to express how reading here has put me more at ease. Especially how i ithought every sexual contact would lead to hiv. I'm married 3 wonderful smart kids, i cheated on a stage party for my brother in law, i got oral and feel i had more but can't recollect. Had the std's checked in urine and the swab in my penis and i was negative. Told my wife how i was unfaithful and was sorry and realize now what blessings were in my life. We are actually having the best relationship since, but i felt before i could put it behind me i'd better be tested as i get worried. So i was tested like 30 days after, am still waiting for the results from the test. I'm hoping on the 6th i'll know, so that would make it a week, worst week i've ever lived. Can't eat, sleep, think about sex, or go an entire day without crying. My life changed, for the better and i just don't want it to be different, as i've seen refered to. i have to admit eating sleeping pills has passed from me since reading here, but it seems i'd never have a good day after. what has kept me going this long, is i tell myself the lord works in strange and mysterious ways. i used to love looking at women, either the chest or when bent over and having bad thoughts. Now...my god i can't even stand to look at women even at work. i'm sorry it's very late, i'm actually tired for once, so if i seem kinda out of it, that's why.....thanks

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Anonymous
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Re: rough labor day weekend new
      #159527 - 09/04/05 05:51 PM

I just reread my post and realize how silly i must sound. Maybe i am over reacting some, but i've just got it in my mind how she had hiv and wanted to pass it to me. I know i drank to much that nite, and perhaps i did black out. But thats my biggest concern, is if i blacked out and contracted hiv. I know if i hadn't drank, which i seldom do anyway it would have never happened. I didn't go out looking to cheat either. Maybe that's where all my anxiety is coming from and all i can do is convince myself the worst will happen. Again i have that tendency. Some things i worry about are losing my job and family. Not by dieing but just because i have the disease. god i still have a day and a nite of work to make it through.

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debtex
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Reged: 03/21/05
Posts: 846
Re: rough labor day weekend new
      #159537 - 09/05/05 12:41 AM

It is great that you have come clean to your wife. That will help with the guilt that you may continue to carry from this. If you were in fact that drunk....perhaps you did just have oral sex. which i would not worry about at all. yet you are not sure, because you were that drunk....so it is good to be tested. but you have told your wife, and she did forgive you. I would not worry about loosing her. She may carry a bit of anger or guilt for a little while. but it seems as though she has forgiven you. You are feeling this, because of this scare, you are now realizing how important your family is to you. you will come out of this ok. and when you do...please dont forget how much your family really means to you. Lets say you come out of this okay......is it going to change the way you look at women and their breast, or when they bend over?????? hopefully so. but perhaps, the only reason it is not right now, is because you are worried about it. I hope you do learn how precious your family (and especially wife) is. sure, all women are beautiful, but that doesn't mean you have to see them in a "wanting" way. You will get thru this okay, but wil you assume, if I cheat, I will be sure to wear a condom? I honestly pray and hope not.

I wish you all the best. My thoughts and prayers are with you. and really (i'm sorry, I'm not trying to be harsh). but the only reason I have replied, is because I know you are scared, but most importantly that you have been honest to your wife about your infidelity.

love and prayers,
debbie

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Anonymous
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Re: rough labor day weekend new
      #159546 - 09/05/05 11:48 AM

i used to think sex sex sex all the time no matter what. Now since this scare i've truely realized what my family and my marriage is about. For the last week my wife and i actually cuddled my entire perspective has changed and i so learned my lesson. I honestly think this first test will be negative, but i'm keeping myself open to the what if. I just want my wife no other woman compares to her or ever will. I'm not a cheater it's just not who i am, and i've decided to stay away from drinking, unless socially with my wife there to protect me. I appreciate your response, i've read so many that you've had and you've made me feel so much better. Actually you and gman. I would also like you to know, i was able to eat the last couple days, and sleep better at nite. I work 3rd shift so sleeping at nite is difficult anyway. Again thanks, and i'll keep you updated as to how things turn out.

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Been There Too
Unregistered

Re: rough labor day weekend new
      #159576 - 09/06/05 08:53 AM

My dear friend, what you are enduring is depression. My story is similar, and I know where you are coming from. I had an affair, and the guilt consumed me. For some reason, the first thing we do is try to condemn ourselves with the fear of hiv. Maybe its a way of self punishment, I don't know. But anxiety and depression is real. God does have a way of revealing to us our priorities, and it seems like you are right on track. Take a deep breath, and relax. You will be fine. The odds are exponentially in your favor. I'm sure everything will be ok. Counseling may help you deal with your fears. There are lots of good antidepressants out there to help you get through this rough time in your life. Keep the faith, this too will pass, and you will be stronger for it. Just remember, God hates the sin, but He loves the sinner!

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: rough labor day weekend new
      #159663 - 09/07/05 06:58 PM

I went to the ER where i had my test done after work and long story short, lots of hurddles and fear cuz i couldn't get answers. I finally saw my family doctor and he said i was negative, NORMAL he then told me to relax and everything was fine. Yes, the sin of an affair is alot to bear, and that's exactly what it was how can i be ok now? i hurt so bad emotionally i must have something. Now after slumping so far into blackness i am regaining my self worth and sanity very slowly. Thank you very much, and today i turn 29 so i'm hoping my life of being 29 is the best ever. One thing is i'm catholic, and i should go to confession for this, i hope it would releive me, but for some reason say 10 our fathers or 10 hail marys, isn't enough. i guess how can someone alive tell me what would forgive me?

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