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Getting tested tomorrow
#1307 - 04/01/00 12:11 PM
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Hello everyone.. I am so scared I could throw up, I know I have been almost convincing myself I am positive that I already feel bad, and this has been going on for a couple days, I mean, this bad, Before it used to be just something small that bothered me on the back of my mind. But I have to do it.. on early january I had unprotected sex with someone I didn't know anything about.. the only thing I know is where he lives.. anyhow, this doubt is eating me alive,.. I am so afraid.. so tomorrow I will test, and we will see how it goes..
if I turn to be positive, that will be it for me, I am not living with that thing on my system, even if it is my mistake.
I have a wonderful person in my life right now, and turning positive will mean losing that person, limiting my career opportunities, how am I going to keep living ? I mean, my goals in life are planned for long term.. if I won't live long term.. than why keep going? I know for some people should be wise to fight, but for me I don't think so.. I am not american, I am not canadian, I won't have the same facilities to get treatment, as far as I know my government leaves people with HIV helpless.. and I cannot afford the drugs.. ok ok ok.. I know, I am talking to ahead of my test results.. I just want them to be negative so I can sleep.. so I can keep on living, just a second chance.. You know, I don't even know if the guy I slept with is negative, I have no clue, but only the suspicion of why would he want to sleep with me unprotected if he was healthy? what about him thinking that I probably had it? if he had it, he might not have cared about it.. I didn't see him ejaculating inside of me, but I think he did because he said so. But, even if he had it, would that make me automatically infected? or there is some probabilities that I might not get it? I am so scared to get tested. I could not even pick up the phone to make an appointment, I am so chickened out that I will just buy a home testing kit, the one you prick your finger and put the blood on something and fedex it back to the labs overnight, and get your results on 3 days. It is approved by the FDA and the health department of the US. It is said to be 99.9% accurate, they say as good as the test applied in a hospital. Still, I am afraid of it.. and when I have to call in for the results, I think I might have someone else do it for me, I cannot do it on my own...
of course, after that test I will go into the doctor's and get a regular one.
I am just so SCARED... so bad.. I can't breath.
and I am so sorry for doing what I did.. i am sorry...
I also need to sleep.. I cannot sleep...
I need to know I am fine..
I think I got the right time window.. it has been over 60 days.. of the incident. So that should make it ok now, but I will still need to test at 90 days, and at 120, and so on until I get tired of testing.
to be honest, it has been around 75 days since the incident. Is that good enough to test?
Oh guys.. what can I do to cool down? I am so desperate about it.. but so afraid to find out.
DumbGuy
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First of all I pray that your test comes out negative. Second of all, Why are you already giving up? I'm 24 years old, and I have been pos for 2 years now. I have a wonderful HIV- partner, and great career, which I started after I found out I was positive, I'm healthier now than I ever have been. I have friends from all around the world who are HIV positive. I have found that the care of HIV infected individuals does not vairy greatly in the civilized world. That may not be the case where you live, however there is good care out there. There is no reason to freak out...even if you are positive. If you need to talk, feel free to email me.
Carl
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I know exactly what you're going through. I posted a couple of days ago because I needed encouragement to get tested. It's helped. I'm making the appointment today. I am hoping that it is negative but in the event it is positive, I have to deal with it though I can't imagine how. I too am in a really loving relationship at the moment and I can't believe that I would be so stupid in making such a big mistake. That's one of the reasons I want to be tested. I want to make a life with him so I am thinking long term also. If I an positive, those dreams will be only a distant memory. I may have to pay for what I have done because I'll lose what I now have. I know that's not the case for everybody but I don't think I could be so lucky especially having a completely understanding partner. You'll be in my thoughts. Good Luck.
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