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HIV Transmission and Education >> Am I Infected?

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Another scared, careless person
      #113178 - 10/27/04 01:24 PM

I have read so many of your stories, and a lot of them are similar to mine. I live with complete guilt and fear everyday of my life. I feel like there is no way I do not have HIV because I deserve to have it. However, I am married to the most beautiful and sincere man in the world, and have made so many disgusting mistakes in the past. We got married really young, and never had the chance to be with anybody else. We had a baby boy in a little over a year after we were married, and things were great. When our son was about 9 months old, I made the first mistake of my life...I cheated on my husband out of "boredome" with our sex life. I didn't use protection. Typing this just kills me inside...I never, ever thought I would become this evil person. I never imagined I'd be one of these types of people. What I am about to type just makes me so sick inside. I cheated on him a few months after the first encounter with a different man (unprotected), and then realized what I was doing, and stopped. He never knew about it. Several months went by, and then it happened again with a different man. It felt like this uncontrollable illness....having no self control. That was the last time it happened, and it's been over a year now. Everytime I look into my perfect husband's eyes it just makes me want to come clean and get this all off my chest. I can't do it, though...I can't risk losing him. When I look into my son's eyes, I feel the same guilt. It took me so long to realize that I have the perfect life, the perfect family, and I can't even believe how selfish I was. A few months after exposure to the last man I was with, I had swollen lmyph nodes in my groin for a few days. My husband got them, too...and we also had a fever for one night together at that same time. I try to keep telling myself that we were just sick...but deep down I am going out of my mind. I can't even type the rest of this because I am bawing my eyes out. I bottle it up everyday and just hope everything is OK. If I gave my husband HIV then I want to die. He really is just the most gentle and sweet person in the world, and I can't even bear the thought of what I could have done. I had a few yeast infections at t he beginning of this year, but they have stopped. I know that the only thing to do is go get tested, especially for my husband's sake, but it would seriously kill him inside to know what his wife is really like. I know his health is important, and he needs to be tested, but I don't know how to tell him what a monster I have been. I just want us to live a long and happy life together and have more babies. I am driving myself crazy with guilt, and it is so hard to go on like this everyday. I never thought I would become a heartless cheater, and I hate myself.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Another scared, careless person *DELETED* new
      #113179 - 10/27/04 02:29 PM

Post deleted by TheBody

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Another scared, careless person new
      #113196 - 10/27/04 09:00 PM

Everyone makes mistakes. What you did was WRONG but what you are doing now KEEPING QUIET WHEN YOU COULD BE INFECTED is WORSE. GET TESTED And if you are positive....THERE IS TREATMENT!!!! If your negative REMEMBER how you feel RIGHT NOW . Loosing your PERFECT husband is nothing compared to loosing your LIFE !!!! GET TESTED !!!!!

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radar
Regular

Reged: 09/26/04
Posts: 30
Loc: Northern CA
Re: Another scared, careless person new
      #113230 - 10/28/04 11:40 PM

Dear Anon,
We have all done things that we are ashamed of. You don't have to tell him anything if you are negative. However, if you are positive you MUST tell him. You must insist that he be tested ASAP too. If you got bored with the sex life then he may have too. Get tested and find out. Then deal with the rest. Good luck.

HIV+ since 7-25-88

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rjasin123
Guardian

Reged: 01/27/04
Posts: 410
Re: Another scared, careless person *DELETED* new
      #113247 - 10/29/04 02:33 PM

If you are still having unprotected sex with your perfect hubby, STOP.

Yes, you put yourself at risk, yet HIV is a difficult virus to transmit, and there is a great chance the gents you slept with were HIV- .

Test at 12 weeks and put this to rest.

Good luck and keep us posted

Jazz

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my2cent
Unregistered

Re: Another scared, careless person new
      #113343 - 10/31/04 09:59 AM

I applaud you for trying to understand what your body is doing. You are the only person to know if something is wrong with it, as you live in it everyday. While I agree that the probabilities are minuscule, if you are truly going to sit around and fret about it, go get tested. Its just a simple blood test and you can do it anonymously, either through an anonymous testing site or via HomeAccess. If you had MS or Parkinsons or whatever, wouldn't you want to know? It is an unfortunate reality that no one on this board can diagnosis you. And unfornunately I can not tell you what you have or don't have. But, it is a great place to become educated and, as you noted, to find others in similar circumstances.

You can not change the past. So, work to get your head in the place. illness is irrelevant, because whatever you must face your head's got to be in the right place. Worry is the enemy. So Stop! So, stop overanalyzing every spot and weird thing your body might do (because your mind is a powerful place, and make you believe things even when theyre not). Guilt and shame are powerful things. So, first forgive yourself. We are all human. We make mistakes, these things happen. So, go get your head in the right place! Perhaps talking to a therpist or a counselor would help with this piece of your delimma. It will empower you. And, you can deal with anything with a clear mind. and you can deal with what the physical/medical side of this is.

Remember that a 'couple mistakes' do not make or break your future. Your future is defined every second of the day and with every choice you make (and sometimes your life makes a left turn, when you anticipated taking a right). Know that in the end, it all happened for a reason and will continue to influence future decisions. That, to me, is what is really important. Perhaps, when your life has taken a right turn, you can give back and help others whose lives, unexpectedly, took a left. Most of the time we really have little control….

When people say they fear HIV, what they are saying is that they fear death. So, why live in fear? Do you wake everyday and fear getting hit by a bus? Do you fear opening your mail and sniffing anthrax. A plane smashing into your building on any given day? Do you fear mosquitoes or West Nile? Or eating hamburger and get Mad Cow? The answer is NO! We live in a messed up world. So, stop living in worry and fear and start living your life (because you've only got one). So, you might as well make it all worthwhile. Why not go volunteer and help someone less fortunate, because for one reason or another it will be you someday.

First, forgive yourself. Then, go get tested. It is your life.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Another scared, careless person new
      #113890 - 11/06/04 10:06 PM

Thank you for all your support and help, everybody. I went to the doctor's yesterday for a blood test. I'm so scared to get the phonecall. <shudder>

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