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HIV Transmission and Education >> Am I Infected?

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Anonymous
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worried wells may want to read this
      #103591 - 07/26/04 08:27 PM

this was my post over at aidsmeds.com...

july 23rd approx 6:30pm:

i have an appointment with my doctor next friday on august 6th to get my results. i decide i cannot wait two weeks for this. it's only been a week since i tested and every day is a living hell. i'm a mess. i'm praying, crying, apologizing, screaming, etc. i call my kaiser premenente toll free number and ask if i can get test results. i'm transferred to another department and they look me up. she tells me my RESULTS ARE IN but she cannot give them to me, that the doctor or an "advice nurse" (that sounds scary, why the hell would i need advice if i was negative?????!) must do this. on monday. WHY IS THIS, I THINK? if they were negative she'd be at least able to tell me i'm OK, right???

so this past weekend, needless to say was crazy. i've never been a religious person, and never really went to church, but i prayed a LOT. i made a promise to myself if i get through this, i will look at life differently. i will value things differently. i will take care of the people who cared for me in return. i won't let stupid things depress me anymore like they used to. i will enjoy life to its fullest, and just be happy to have good health.

today 8am:

i call kaiser again, get transferred to the clinic i tested at. they put me on hold, while i brace my body for the results like i'm about to get hit by a car. the woman gets back on and says the request has been filled for an "advice nurse" to call you back with the results. again, i freak wondering why a damn advice nurse needs to call me back. if it was negative, they can just tell me i'm ok and let me get this crap over with!

today 8am - 10:30:

i cried like i never cried before in my whole life. i know they don't do this kind of crap unless they have horrible news to tell someone. if it was good news and i was ok, i know they'd just tell me. they have to prepare obviously to tell someone this kind of news. they have to be sympathetic. they have to give advice (hence the name, "advice nurse") to someone so they don't go off and kill themselves or do something stupid. if it was negative, the call would be simple. a quick two minute call just to say "you're HIV negative" is all they have to do, and it's done. but if someone is positive, things have to be prepared.

today 11:15am:

i'm tired of crying and so damn frustrated with the wait. i call back again and they said the results are still in review process. WTF!! why the hell do they have to be reviewed?? it's simple--NEG OR POS!!!!

today 11:30am:

nurse calls. i brace myself once again. she says my bloodwork came back normal AND I BEGIN TO CELEBRATE BEFORE SHE SAYS THE ONLY TEST SHE DOESN'T HAVE IS THE HIV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i wanna fuc**in kill this woman!! i say why and she says for confidentiality reasons the doctor has to call you back with those results, and he will most likely get back to me this week sometime!!! after i get off the phone i start to truly begin to accept positive status. i didn't believe that confidentiality BS for a second. if they were negative, she would at least tell me I was OK

by now i decide to actually go into work. no use waiting around now since no telling when he's going to call. i said screw work and didn't even go in this morning, cuz i didn't know how i could handle bad news at work. but now i don't know when i'm going to get the news...

15 MINUTES AGO:

my phone rings with caller id of an unknown number. it was an "advice nurse" (not my doctor). she said she's calling because my doctor is not in today. she asks for my social security number for verification reasons (at this point i realize she is going to tell me my status).

NEGATIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am still shaking right now typing this message! i'm so emotionally EXHAUSTED!!!!!! i took a walk and a fear tears came down my eyes because i feel like God did give me another chance. this last month was beyond a doubt the hardest time of my life. i've learned so much. i've learned to appreciate so much. i've learned to be happy with what you have, cherish those around you who care about you, because it can all be changed SO QUICKLY. it's so funny i feel like taking off the rest of the day and celebrating. simply celebrating just being able to continue life as normal!! nothing has changed , but i still want to celebrate. i want to celebrate what i and so many others take for granted, just being healthy. this has been a truly life changing event for me. and now that the outcome was GOOD, i can honestly say i'm glad that it happened.

now, i want to take a moment to address those who are positive, and take valuable time out of their lives to help people like me, who come here acting sometimes crazy and irrational. the emotional strength and courage you guys have is beyond imaginable to me. i don't know how you guys can be so kind, helpful, and forgiving. your presence here and the help you offer truly displays how unselfish you guys really are. thank you all for being here. it was this site alone that gave me the courage to test. without this site, i would have never tested, and wondered for years whether every new symptom was HIV related or not. i know this for sure. it was only becasue of the feeling of not being alone, of the caring, nice people here, that helped me through this. this site was my other home for the last two months.

and now, for the worried wells. i've made a lot of friends with many of you. what i'm about to say should be extremely encouraging. my risks were 5 occassions of unprotected vaginal sex 1 year+ ago with women of unknown status. my symptoms ARE (not were):

-headache (ongoing for two months)
-loss of appetite, loss weight (190 to 185), stomach just doesn't feel right. can't eat as much, never really have that starving feeling anymore.
-itchy skin all over (mysterious appearing bug bites that disappear after a few minutes)
-achey muscles and joints (sometimes my neck woudd hurt, my back, my knees, ankles)
-and this is by far my worst symptom: peripheral neuropathy. i have trouble standing and walking, and my feet tingle and feel numb at times. sometimes needle pricking sensations.

right now, even after my results, my head still kinda hurts, so i didn't have the magically-vanishing-symptoms-after-neg-result like some former worried wells had. it's definitely still there, and my PN sure isn't totally gone (although it has gotten better the last few days, but this was before i knew my result, during the peak of my stress actually). the woman said ALL my blood work came back normal. i filled like TWELVE tubes of blood. she mentioned things like chlamydia, which was neg. but i didn't hear herpes.

ONE THING i should mention though. this nurse DID DAY that she THINKS it's possible to be UNDETECTABLE all the way up to a year (her words, 6months to a year). and as u can imagine, after being educated here at aidsmeds, i immediately challenged that and said "ARE YOU SURE? isn't that REALLY REALLY uncommon to be undetectable for a whole year after exposure?" she wasn't very strong on it, though. she said, well, maybe i can ask my doctor what he thinks because the information she said could have been changed. so i'm assuming being undetectable for a year was OLDER information that is no longer VALID?? experts, one last response needed, and i promise i'm DONE!

well people, it's been a wild ride. and i'm glad it happened, because i'm a changed person as of now--a better person.

i only hope you don't see me here in 6 months wondering why i'm still having symptoms!!!!! i do NOT PLAN ON TESTING AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am seeing my doctor friday to see if we can get to the bottom of my damn neuropathy and headaches!!! but whatever it is, i don't care if it ain't HIV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GOOD LUCK ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: worried wells may want to read this new
      #103593 - 07/26/04 09:06 PM

ohh man what was your test 3 months i have been having all symptoms too i had a blowjob with a condom on from a escort she came down hard once and it slipped up almost to the top the condom did.

i have been so scared when she came down hard i think she hit my eurethra i keep thinking the condom broke i got a bruise that wont go away after a month on my elbow i banged it on a window june 19th i never bruised easy my whole life.

i feel im finished i have had tingles leg muscle aches stomach felt realy weird couldnt lay certain ways hotflashes couldnt eat blured vision i could go on.

im so scared i dont know what to do i tryed cutting myself i cant get help my doctor gurentees im negative but she stated the bruise looks like kc that thing positive people get so it scares me more i dont know what to think.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: worried wells may want to read this new
      #103782 - 07/27/04 08:24 PM

I am glad i wasnt the onlt one who drove himself crazy trying to figure out if i had the virus or not. I started in january and finally got tested in july; jus to find out that i was ok the whole time. In the process of me going nuts i lost my girlfriend of 2 years and who i loved dearly.Some of my family were pissed because they didnt know what was driving me crazy. Basicly its all not worth it ... if you question your status go get tested... no web site or webmd is gonna give u a answer.Good Luck and god bless... to the dude that posted this message ... dont feel bad i prayed my ass off too...now u have to live by what u told him!

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