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I need input from mixed status couples!
#99952 - 06/15/04 08:22 PM
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Hi!,
I'm a nursing student and I'm putting tigether a workshop for gay men in mixed HIV status relationships. Could anyone who is involved with someone of opposite status give me your opinions on the unique issues/challenges you are facing? What do you think is important for me to include?
Greatly appreciated!!
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I would say our biggest stumbling block is the fact that my partner does not want to do anything to infect me so sex is a huge issue in the sense that his mind (subconcience) is powerful and if he feels he might possibly do that everything abruptly stops. We take all of the neccessary precautions yet he still worries about me. He definitely loves me so it's not an arguing issue-we never argue about sex. He says he's just trying to protect me. On my end it's always about what I can do to help him. I am always brainstorming about ways to get him healthier. We are definitely focused and very devoted to eachother, a definite must in a mixed status relationship. I just wanted to drop a quick note would be glad to answer more questions if I can.
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What a great concept!! Workshops of this type may exist, but I’ve never heard about one. I’m positive and my partner is negative. Outside of sex, the relationship is no different than any other where one person has a chronic illness. The previous reply nailed it on the head regarding the fear the positive partner has of infecting the negative partner. You can see this in the expert forums here on thebody.com. I waffle between wanting to enjoy intimate sex with the person I love and fear of infection. My partner can often read / see the fear and attempts to reassure me. It’s a delicate balancing act of passion and protection. I’d love to see your work as you progress. If you would like to discuss in more detail, send me a private message thru thebody.com website.
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bfr
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Member
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Reged: 05/11/04
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Posts: 12
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Loc: Southern California, USA
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Hi, I'm the neg half of a mixed status couple. Yes first of all the sex thing has changed a lot. He just isn't interested beacause of the emotional and physical effects. He will crawl into bed with me and masturbate [may I be frank?] every once in awhile but we haven't had "sex" in years. On the home front he can't do much anymore and I can't keep up like the two of us used to. There is a lot of clashes over my job. I work odd hours and am not here always when he needs me. There is never enough money without him working but we always seem to make it. And there is always a LOT OF EMOTION AROUND HERE!!!! Our local AIDS service agency isn't much good don't offer any support groups. I've been trying to seek counseling thru them but they gave me such a hard time I've given up. [They wanted to know how my seeking counseling was related to AIDS???HELLO!!!] Yea if I can be of anymore help contact me thru the Body, I don't get here too often tho.
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I am also the neg. half of my relationship of 22 years. My partner contracted HIV from his first boyfriend, 30 days before meeting me. We found out he was pos. in 1995, but always suspected we both were pos., we lived thru the early days. What I try to do is point out what he goes through is common for people of our age 42&43. He sometimes wakes up tired, and I remind him, I wake up that way frequently, and am not pos. At our age, not everything issue has to do with HIV. This allows him to think of what he is facing as not much more that everyone else in the world. We have been lucky, he is health (a little thin) and I cherish every moment I have with him. His illness has taught both of us to value what we have together and live each day to the fullest. The normal BS in a relationship is almost non-existant, we just don't allow our time to be taken up with unimportant matters. The sex is not as good as it was at 20, but at 43, who's is. Jeffrey...
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Poz 1/2 here, and wow!, I thought the sex thing was just in my/our relationship. I am concerned with infecting my partner, while at the same time have educated myself and my partner enough to where there should be no issues. However, the subconscious is a powerful influence on being able to "relax", (for lack of a better word), enough to follow though with the desire.
My partner and I have basically found other ways to be intimate that don't necessarily involve a whole lot of risk. Not as hot mind you, but in some ways better because we are closer spiritually, intellectually and emotionally in ways that I don't see in couples that have been together for decades.
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STUDY EXPOSES MYTH OF SEXUAL TRANSMISSION
The 10-year Padian study observed sexually active
couples in which one partner was HIV positive. The result: in 10 years, not one uninfected partner contracted HIV, even though all participants admitted to having sex without condoms. The study states, 'We followed up 175 HIV-discordant couples over time, for a total of approximately 282 couple-years of follow up. The longest duration of follow-up was 12 visits (6 years).
We observed no seroconversion [infection] after entry into the
study." In the three-year Stewart study (1985) not one male partner of HIV-positive women contracted HIV. Prostitution is not even listed as an HIV risk category by the CDC, because of the extremely low incidence of HIV transmission to clients who have no other risk factors (i.e. drug abuse).
These findings bolster the hypothesis of some AIDS scientists that chronic malnutrition and other environmental factors, and not a sexually-transmitted virus, are the causes of weakened immunity in people diagnosed with one of the nearly 30 AIDS-defining diseases (which vary from country to country).
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My current partner and I both came from mixed relationships. Our HIV- partners were also both controling and mentally abusive. I wonder if a sense of control holds HIV+ people in a relationship as a twisted security measure. Ask if their relationships are supportive and how.
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