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Sexual compulsivity and HIV
      #5363 - 06/12/00 02:05 AM

I just tested positive two months ago. I wasn't terribly suprised. I've been taking risks since I came out as a gay man 15 years ago. I am sexually compulsive and I have had very limited success controlling this problem. I've done therapy, 12 steps, medication... I don't know what to do. I still act out sexually and I'm still lapsing into risky sex. I know I'm not the only pos gay man out there in this prediciment. I see so many guys doing the same thing I am. I guess what's so frustrating is that there is so little open discussion of this issue. I suppose I should define "sexually compulsive" before I go any further. I have had thousands of anonymous partners. I usually go to parks, baths, bars, or bookstores. I have tried everything I can think of to get help but I always seem to go back. I'm not just "playing". This [censored] is destroying my life. I just can't seem to find a method of coping with this that actually works. I am desperate to stop and get my life back. I feel so hopeless. I was sexually abused for most of my childhood and I have serious doubts that I can undo the damage. Please write If you have been in the same situation and you have found or been searching for some way to contain your sex addiction.



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Mike
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Re: Sexual compulsivity and HIV new
      #5731 - 06/15/00 06:27 PM

It feels like I'm the one who told you what to write. That's exactly the same situation I have been living all of my life. I have tried counseling, spirituality and more. So far nothing has worked for me. I, very often, feel depressed and worthless becouse I find it very difficult to "behave" and to stay away from sexual situations.
I have been diagnosed positive for about five years, and by getting informed and educated, I can only commit to practice "safe sex".
If you find a good method that really works and makes you feel better, please let me know. So far, everything I've tried hasn't helped me stop or control my sexual addictions.



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Anonymous
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Re: Sexual compulsivity and HIV new
      #5795 - 06/16/00 02:14 PM

Have you tried massive doses of testosterone and possibly one or more anabolic steriods? Then when you come down off of them you won't feel as horney as you did when you were on them and this relief might let you cut back on the amount of sex you want.



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Anonymous
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Re: Sexual compulsivity and HIV new
      #5940 - 06/20/00 02:07 PM

I absolutely understand how you feel. I've been POZ now for almost 3 years. I have no one to blame but myself for being HIV+. I've had thousands of anonymous partners, used phone lines, chat rooms, etc. I never felt like I could control the sex compulsivity I was having. I would seek out boyfriends constantly that seemed to be exactly what I was looking for and then I would start cheating on them, usually within the same week. Tons of guys had my phone number or knew how to get ahold of me, so it was hard to turn away from what I was doing. I was even lying all the time, saying to many that I was not POZ just so I could get bare-back sex. There is no excure for my actions, and I have no explanation as to why sex and in particular, bare-back risky sex with lying became so addictive. It was so intoxicating to find a guy who was willing to cum inside of me without a condom.

After 10 years of being "out", I was collapsing mentally, and at the end of last fall just after the 2nd anniversary of being POZ, I lost it completely. I was going to kill myself I had decided (obviously I didn't). What happened to me then is nothing more than a series of miracles.

I had done prescription drugs to stop craving sex (didn't work). I tried 12-step as well, all the usual crap, none of it stopped what was truly wrong. I was extremely lonely, as I feel most gay men are, but are ashamed to admit. I finally decided that being gay was wrong, that it was the source of all my problems, and I thought if I tried to cure being gay, the sexual compulsions would stop. So I found a therapist who treated ex-gays, I found a great church, and I got plugged in to the christian community. I went through this for 4 months, and it was successful to a certain degree. My sexual compulsions started to subside, I was no longer having sex 1, 2, or 3 times a night. I cut out all caffeine from my diet (caffeine causes wild and crazy thoughts, it is a dangerous drug). I finally slept 8 hours a night, I started eating healthier. I threw away the pot, and the popper's bottle. I also got rid of all stimuli around me (porn, internet access, gay books, sex toys, etc.) I was trying my best to live life as a straight dude. Then I placed an ad for a roommate so I could move out of the house I was living in with another gay guy. I got one response and we met, he was wonderful, I was honest with him from the start, there was nothing he didn't know about me, I told him about all the sexual things I had done in the past, I told him I was POZ, nothing fazed him or turned him away from me. He became my best friend, and then became my lover. Yeah, nice story, I should write a book, but what happened was significant. I didn't meet someone just to have sex with them, and I had already stopped being compulsive for a few months before we met. I also had God in my life again, which I always felt was missing. So for me I finally found out that I no longer needed to hate being gay, I just needed to hate the sin of sexually acting out. Being gay wasn't the problem, but I do see now that life without God was a HUGE problem. I did not have the strength to carry out the things that changed in my life, but He did.

I am now in a monogamous relationship with the most incredible man I have ever met in my life. Someone who I hide nothing from, and knows all my deepest, ugliest secrets and still loves me, he still choose me. We all need someone to treat us this way. I don't have much to do with the gay life-style. We don't go to the bars, and we stay away from the gay culture for the most part. We have some close gay couple friends who have been together for a long time and are also monogamous. For me it was also important to see that staying away from the clubs, video stores, etc. was as critical to my staying "sober" as it is for me to drink water. I have always believed gay society is very destructive to it's own kind. I honestly don't know of many gay couples who are truly in love that have much to do with gay society. It's too damaging to the core relationship. These are just my opinions, and what has worked for me.

I also found out some other things. Poppers have been found to cause KS in POZ people. Men coming inside of you POZ or NOT can cause your immune system to take a short term plunge. And we all know how damaging any kind of drug can be to your immune system. I no longer risk my health for any reason, and I have someone now who makes staying healthy my top priority. It would be unfair to me and to him to cut my life short!! I can be e-mailed at dfwpozdude@hotmail.com if you want to talk more.



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Anonymous
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Re: Sexual compulsivity and HIV new
      #6041 - 06/22/00 07:38 AM

i am also a child abuse survivor. would you like to chat sometime.email me.



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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Sexual compulsivity and HIV new
      #6093 - 06/23/00 11:41 AM

Thanks for your response. I would definitly like to chat. How do I get your e-mail or send you mine?



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Scott Z
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Re: Sexual compulsivity and HIV new
      #12055 - 11/08/00 10:55 PM

Perhaps you`d be better off and much happier if you`d stop thinking of your urges as "sexual addictions" and accept them for what they are: normal, healthy sexual feelings that every man has. Incredibly a whole industry of therapists and 12 step programs has sprung up recently to convince sexually active, non-momogamy-seeking males that something is wrong with them. There is not.



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