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mhd8912
Newbie

Reged: 08/08/12
Posts: 1
Negative male in need of advise
      #265352 - 08/08/12 01:50 AM

For the past couple of months I have been dating this guy who is HIV positive. He is undetectable and has been able to stay that way for awhile. He has been on medication for years. He is an amazing guy. He is sweet, funny, down to earth, intelligent, independent, and just really good to me. We spend a lot of time together. I love him and he loves me. The only thing we have done sexually is oral and we used condoms and occasionally toys.. For awhile now hes been talking about us taking things to the next level and having anal sex. I have no problem taking things to the next level because I do love him but I am a little scared in having anal sex with him. I am worried about things like the condom ripping, breaking, or tearing and we not notice or something.

I am not a very sexual person. I don't have to have anal sex to be in a relationship with someone. He feels differently. He feels that he can't be in a relationship with someone without having anal sex because I'm just giving him part of me and not all of me. Also, because he says he wants to share and have those special moments and feelings.

So the situation is that if we don't start having anal sex then he can't be with me. I have never been in this situation and I don't know what to do. I don't have anyone to turn to personally for advise so I am coming here seeking advise

Thanks for your help and sorry for being so lengthy.

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kicker
Moderator

Reged: 10/25/10
Posts: 1131
Loc: GA, USA
Re: Negative male in need of advise new
      #265362 - 08/08/12 12:44 PM

Here's my dear abby advice.

You have a fear of infection and are not comfortable enough to engage in any activity that may pose any risk (albeit very small with protected sex and an undetectable partner). There is nothing wrong with that fear, its legitimate and valid. Telling him you have this fear is your best bet. One of several things will happen when you do.

It could open up a dialog where you two can formulate an idea of what is acceptable risk and what isn't, what you are willing to never do, will do, and what you may become comfortable doing. Compromising somewhere in the middle and allowing yourselves to evolve in a relationship.

He could use the guilt card to pressure his way into what he wants. Saying things like you must not love me, etc. (Which kind of sounds like he is already doing) If that is the case then I suggest leaving it isn't worth the time or effort to continue the relationship in that case. He is being selfish and is unwilling to take your feelings into consideration. And believe me when I say if he does it in this area he will do it in others. Causing you to sacrifice more and more without ever getting anything in return.

He could get angry and end things. This possibility is real and shouldn't be a bad thing. If he does his loss, not yours. Proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is an ass.

You could also ask that the two of you meet with a therapist at a local AIDS organization (they are also called by safe sex councilors) More an more HIV clinics are offering this service and for free to discuss concerns and facts with you and your partner. In fact most of them aren't even requiring that one of you be positive they are offering it to negative couples as well. There they will help you two negotiate what risks you are willing to take and what alternatives there are to consider.

Any way you look at it you will need to stand up and state your feelings to him and stick by your needs as well as considering his. Working out a compromise where both parties are happy with the results will be the key if you wish the relationship to continue.

But it is up to you and him to work it out. No amount of advice will solve the issue.

Btw I am hiv positive and was in a relationship with a negative guy, so don't feel like I am coming down hard on him because of his status. I would come down equally hard on you had you said that you wanted more but he felt uncomfortable.

Anyway good luck.

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kicker
Moderator

Reged: 10/25/10
Posts: 1131
Loc: GA, USA
Re: Negative male in need of advise new
      #265363 - 08/08/12 12:48 PM

Sorry I forgot to mention to that condoms do not break, tear, rip, or even fall off without you noticing. Condoms are specifically designed, and by their very chemical makeup to rip and break leaving no doubt that they have done so. Even a tiny puncture will cause it to burst like a fully blown up balloon.

So the fear of a tiny unnoticed hole is silly, it doesn't happen.

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renegade
Newbie

Reged: 08/09/12
Posts: 1
Re: Negative male in need of advise new
      #265387 - 08/09/12 04:16 PM

Well, first being in a serodiscordent relationship I would say that communication is the key. The poz partner needs to be the one to make sure that you stay neg and it's your responsibility to remind him of it. The whole manipulation by guilt thing is something that you need to nip in the bud and you need to stand stong on this. I know that when there are real feelings involved that it complicates things but this is your health were talking about here. If communication doesnt work or he doesnt want to have the conversation than it should tell you where the relationship stands. Good luck.

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Starboy
Regular

Reged: 12/09/04
Posts: 42
Loc: New York
Re: Negative male in need of advise new
      #265403 - 08/10/12 08:31 AM

Along with the other posts I would like to add that if you decide to take the next step make sure he is on meds, undetectable thereby lowering your chances of being infected to a even lower state. Condoms a must!

Edited by Starboy (08/10/12 08:32 AM)

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A_reason2smile
Member

Reged: 08/11/12
Posts: 19
Loc: South Florida
Re: Negative male in need of advise new
      #265454 - 08/11/12 11:44 PM

Hello and I'm HIV and just do what makes you happy sweetheart, just make sure he is on his meds always to lower your chances. Remember condoms don't guarantee to protect, they are only precaution tools. Good luck

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