Advertisement
The Body: The Complete HIV/AIDS Resource
Follow Us Follow Us on Facebook Follow Us on Twitter Download Our App
Professionals >> Visit The Body PROThe Body en Espanol

HIV Life >> Gay Men

Pages: 1
alone&scare
Unregistered

HIV, guilt and death
      #26479 - 01/06/02 08:50 PM

hello...I just needed to talk to someone because I am sad, devastated and alone and don't know what to do at this point. I have been seeing this guy for about 1 1/2 year. On 12/5, he was admitted to the hospital and just yesterday I found out indirectly from the doctor that he was diagnosed with PCP, an opportunistic infection, and he is HIV+. He has been in ICU since 12/14, and the doctor said that he is not going to make it. I was completely devastated. I really care about him and now facing the fact that he is dying. But what becomes unbearable to me is the possibility of maybe he got HIV from me and developed into PCP. On top of grieving on his condition, I am constantly struggling with this unbearble sense of guilt. We have only engaged in oral sex and were never involved in anal sex. Is it possible for someone to contract the HIV virus and damaged the immune system so bad that developed PCP in a matter of one and a half years? What is the average time frame for someone to develop opportunistic infections after they contract HIV? I am dealing with the horrible facts of losing him soon and also my own HIV status (will go testing next week). I love him enough that I don't care if I turn out to be HIV+ but I just cannot handle if I know that I am somehow the cause of him getting sick. How do one deal with a triple whammies like this? HELP I think I am losing my mind and on the urge of having a nervous breakdown.



Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
gregg629
Guardian

Reged: 04/16/01
Posts: 438
Loc: Boston
Re: HIV, guilt and death new
      #26509 - 01/07/02 11:07 AM

Hey there...

Well a few things that come to mind when I read your letter. First you are very sweet and your BF is lucky to have someone that cares as much as you do. But I have to ask. If you don't know your status, why do you assume that you were the one that infected him? While the two of you have been together, have you been seeing other guys, have you engaged in risky behavior that would lead you to believe that you might be positive?

HIV usually untreated takes 10 years to develop into Full Blown AIDS. It's very possible that this guy has been HIV positive for quite a while and never knew or never was tested. In the time you two have been together, have either of you been tested? Do you know what his sexual past was before meeting you? Or while he was with you?

There are just a lot of things in what you wrote that just don't add up.

Don't beat yourself up or guilt yourself for something that quite possibly you had nothing to do with.

I would first start by taking a deep breath then go get tested and find out your situation. From the sounds of what you wrote I wouldn't be surprised tho if this guy infected you.

Regardless of who was first. You need to take care of you and the only way you can do that is to find out if you have HIV or not.

Write back and let us all know how things go.

HUG

Gregg

gregg629@aol.com



Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
bob jr
Unregistered

Re: HIV, guilt and death new
      #26523 - 01/07/02 02:09 PM

i totally agree with all that gregg had to say to animenity , i would like to add . people with an attidude like that need to be educated and felt sorry for



Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Alone and scare
Unregistered

Re: HIV, guilt and death new
      #26561 - 01/07/02 10:23 PM

Thanks Gregg and Bob. I read "annoymous" post before it got censored. Frankly, I am in no shape or form to conduct a verbal war with him.
Anyway, I was tested few years ago and so was he. I have been practicing safe sex since. I guess we all have to take certain responsibilty and have some trust level with your partner. I don't think anyone will intentionally pass on the virus to someone else. Unless we stop having sex completely, I guess the best we can do is to as safe as we can. We never had anal sex, just oral sex, so as far as I know, this is still considered to be safer. I have not seen anyone after I met him and neither did he. That's why
It became such a shock to me when this happened. I guess I have always been a worried kind of person. I just started to think of all the possibilities. The thought of the possibility of I might be the cause is just unbearable. Anyway, thanks for your support.



Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
gregg629
Guardian

Reged: 04/16/01
Posts: 438
Loc: Boston
Re: HIV, guilt and death new
      #26574 - 01/08/02 09:37 AM

Hey,

I'm sorry that you read the "annoymous" post before it was deleted. There was no reason why you should have had to deal with that, which is why I lashed out at him for you.

Your right in your assumption that oral sex is considered low risk, unles you get into very hard deep throat sex which is considered high risk. The fact that you two both were tested a few years ago and both tested negative is puzzling since he is so far along, but it's possible that test was a false negative or that something outside my knowledge has happened.

I understand the shock that you are feeling and also understand how hard it must feel not to know if you had anything to do with it. If you have only been with him since your last negative test and if he has only been with you since his last negative test then it's all the more puzzling. It sounds as if you both were doing everything right and safely.

May I ask where you are from? It's not important, but I'm just curious.

As for not thinking that anyone would intentially pass the virus to someone else, your unfortunatly wrong there. I was infected intentially by someone I pledged my life to and someone I loved a great deal.

I was infected by my ex BF who was unknown to me a "Bug Chasser". I met him 5 years ago and fell in love almost instantly. We moved in together and had what I thought was a very good life together, but what I didn't know is that he had a side life that was filled with having sex with as many people as he could all the while trying to become infected. I was an unfortunate by-product of his quest. I didn't find out any of this until last year when we broke up so he could start dating a friend of ours that he also infected, who was also a "bug chasser".

I just want you to know that while you are scared. You are not alone. You and anyone else are always welcome to send me e-mail or look for me online to chat. No one should ever feel alone when they are facing this.

Take Care

HUG

Gregg

gregg629@aol.com



Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: HIV, guilt and death new
      #26803 - 01/10/02 10:14 AM

It's very odd he would be dying if he just got infected! Normally it takes 10 years for the first symptom to appear after you get infected.



Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: HIV, guilt and death new
      #26804 - 01/10/02 10:15 AM

Is he seeing an HIV specialist? One with lots of experience? Call the head of infectious diseases at the hospital and make sure he sees your friend. Is it a big hospital??



Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
eafire
Member

Reged: 12/01/01
Posts: 10
Re: HIV, guilt and death new
      #27192 - 01/18/02 11:57 AM

Ok, I can't say that I read every message in this string, still, I read the first one and have the following comments:

- This whole things seems weired, real weired! Now, I know that HIV affects everyone differently -- but going from zero-convertion to dying of PCP in one year -- well, I ain't buyin' it. Who is the doctor? Is he/she a specialist? Are you in a major hospital or somewhere in the boon-docks? I ask all this not to be insulting, but because IT MAKES A BIG DIFFERENCE! I've got a couple of friends who went into the hospital for the first time with t-cell counts under 50 and suffering from PCP, and they're doing A LOT BETTER. Of course, I live in San Francisco -- but still, this part of the story is fishy

- Next, so you two were BOTH negative a 18 months ago and now he's positive and most of what you did was oral? Again, it's all possible, but could you give us all more to work with? There are some missing pieces.

Get involved with the doctors -- people are NOT zero-converting and dying of PCP. It just ISN'T happening. Get involved - and let us know the deal.

eafire



Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Terry D
Unregistered

Re: HIV, guilt and death new
      #30274 - 03/20/02 07:46 PM

This firend of your just may be ready to leave this plane. This does not take away from the fact that once your are labelled and "AIDS patient" you get very poor care in the hospital. If he is on the drugs that does not help matters. Its a sad and homphobic situation that must come to an end.



Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: HIV, guilt and death new
      #30275 - 03/20/02 07:48 PM

Yes Gregg and Bob are such good friends. Lwading their fellow gay brothers into the AIDS genocide ovens. Hurray for unconscious people and internalized homophobia!



Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Pages: 1


What's New at TheBody.com

Additional Information
0 registered and 1 anonymous users are browsing this forum.

Moderator:  TheBody, bogart, crabman, riverprincess 

Permissions
      You cannot start new topics
      You cannot reply to topics
      HTML is enabled
      UBBCode is enabled

Thread views: 4866

 
Jump to

Contact Us | Privacy Statement The Body

*
UBB.threads™ 6.2.3