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Reged: 12/13/11
Posts: 3
Need help My Boyfriend is giving up
      #259505 - 12/16/11 11:16 PM

Hello everyone I'm new here and wanted to vent my problem to someone seeing I don't have anyone to talk about my boy friend and best friend of 10yrs. 10yrs ago we met and started dating by the third yr we found out that he was positive and had it for five yrs before getting sick it crush him and his life style prior to meeting me was how he was affected and he was truthful about it and I excepted it and continue to see him. Later we moved in together and everything was going great, he got better, healthier and was taking his meds on time and keeping his appt's. My family loves him and so does his family love me. Recently we have been having problems well I believe he has been having problems with himself and started to lack taking his meds, but only like a day maybe two and go right back to schedule, then suddenly he just stop, he quite school, work and no longer takes his meds and it's been over a month now. He's on Atripla and has a refill still at the pharmacy and half a bottle here at home... He has left and haven't been home in two weeks nor has he contacted me or family and I'm losing my mind thinking that he has gave up and no longer wants to live. I'm crying every min, calling everyone I know and going around looking where I think he would be and nothing. What do I do is this something I need to except. I've went through his phone records, his facebook account and emails and have seen that he is still using the phone, facebook and emails but not replying to anyone. his just checking voicemails and messages. Is this signs of a person giving up, going through depression or what?

Please help me sort out what I need to do to help my friend

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Reged: 10/25/10
Posts: 1131
Loc: GA, USA
Re: Need help My Boyfriend is giving up new
      #259508 - 12/17/11 01:24 AM

Depression and anxiety is a common problem among people who are HIV positive. Sometimes it's the anxiety and social stigma (or perception there of) that causes the depression. Sometimes it can be caused by the medication that is needed to treat the infection. Sometimes it's a combination of the two or other life stresses.

That being said your boyfriend does sound depressed to some degree. It sounds like the stress of living with this virus has taken a toll and he may just want to be able to run and hide from it for a while. Not the best idea, but if it's how he feels and had no other way to release the stress then well it's right for him at the moment.

The best thing you can do is be supportive. Calling him and telling him he needs to come back isn't going to help. The conversation should be supportive with no expectations. Something like, (we will call him Fred for this example), "Fred, I am sorry that things haven't gone well, but I would like a chance to talk about it and see if we can't find a solution that makes you happy." And leave the message at that till he responds. It may take a few of those kind of statements to get through to him. Don't tell him what he needs to do, don't demand anything, and don't tell him that he is making you feel anything. If you want to tell him how you feel then say I feel _________. And don't add "because you did this or that." Statements like I feel sad, because I miss you is ok.

Try to be patient, compassionate, and don't put any more pressure on him. (IE don't call 5 times a day or facebook him as often.) Once a day on one or the other is enough to get the message across. Whether he showed it or not since he found out he has probably felt pressed, pressed to start meds, pressed to deal with this virus, pressed to make sure you were ok and weren't going to leave him, pressed by the stigma, etc. Pressing further when he obviously doesn't want to be is only going to make him act out more.

When he does finally come around, you should LISTEN. Leave your emotions at the door.Remember this isn't about you its about him and how things aren't working out for him. Work out a game plan that you would like to see happen and leave it open to discussion. Having a list of demands is only going to make him leave again where if you compromise and work with him he will feel in control and you will get better results.

I wish you the best of luck and hope you both can work out something that benefits everyone.

Here are some sites that deal with depression and can be a source to use to come up with ways of approaching him and getting the best results. <--good one to start with

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Reged: 10/25/10
Posts: 1131
Loc: GA, USA
Re: Need help My Boyfriend is giving up new
      #259509 - 12/17/11 01:31 AM

Oh and another thought that I didn't quite make clear. At this moment it isn't about you, whether you feel like he abandoned you or not, it's about him. Just remember that when you do talk. Making it about you in anyway will only reinforce any thinking he has in his head about how he shouldn't care cause no one else does.

If he chooses to come back or not it still isn't about you. So don't hold yourself responsible or think about the what ifs. Depression causes people to do and say things that they don't mean or wouldn't normally do. So like I said leave your emotions at the door.

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Reged: 07/24/12
Posts: 34
Loc: CA, USA
Re: Need help My Boyfriend is giving up new
      #264867 - 07/25/12 10:47 AM

It's been seven months since you posted this. Has your boyfriend came back an are you guys ok?

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