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NorthLander
Member

Reged: 12/06/11
Posts: 12
Will i be able to find LOVE again!!
      #259373 - 12/06/11 10:52 PM

Am from Singapore new to this website from my counselor, after a huge 'Bomb' from Doc that am positive, my heart sunk! And it was just days after my B'day !!!!

I can't talk anyone nor to console me, & in reality here, it very social stigma from what i felt..& I don like that at all...I wish i am in US which many would have be very open and more accommodating from what i read here...

Being single for 9yrs and unable to find someone who will love me for who i am, building long term relationship it tough. And now with this in me, i will be even hard!!

Now i had to be alone battling this myself with no one to lend shoulder & accept me as their life time partner
Not sure my hope of being in love will every come again

Will i again find someone here & mostly it a small circle here and words will spread like wild fire if one will knows about me in the gay circle...It terrifying inside me to let my gay friends know...am sure they will avoid me!!!

V

--------------------
Cheers,
KC

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GirBot
Member

Reged: 11/23/09
Posts: 22
Loc: Western United States
Re: Will i be able to find LOVE again!! new
      #259481 - 12/15/11 03:14 PM

The short answer is an emphatic "YES!"

It takes time to sort through this dramatic chain of events but slowly you will realize you are stronger and more resilient than you ever realized before. HIV can prove a powerful catalyst to continued good living if we let it. Like any challenge, it can assist us in providing perspective for things that really matter most in life.

The process is different for all of us and so is the time frame. Eventually, you will find your attitudes changing. You will come to realize you aren't alone. Even in your corner of the globe, there are others just like you. HIV isn't some social condemnation on who and what you are. It's a disease... only a disease... like any other. There are so many factors leading to its spread, it says NOTHING of who you are just because you have it. Don't let it define you. Honestly, you'll get to the point where those who gossip and judge will be of little interest to you. They are silly and ill-informed. You need not be too.

Seek out support. Support others. And above all, give yourself time. Learn to rely on and love the one person you can count on the most; you. Become what it is you seek in others. That's when your world will change for the better.

You mentioned you have a counselor. Do you attend group therapy as well?

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NorthLander
Member

Reged: 12/06/11
Posts: 12
Re: Will i be able to find LOVE again!! new
      #259494 - 12/16/11 11:21 AM

Hi Girbot,

Thanks you so much for your kind encouraging words from you. Hugs

Yes I agreed with you that it take times to settle myself in which am trying hard to do!! But just can't able to hurdle myself over the barrier!!!

But reading your encouragement I will bear in mind I should make use of HIV to live for a better & healthy life. But for sure it takes times. As I still have the guilt & shame of myself toward my family...

For the last 11 days, I have been talking to my diary, battling myself to accept it till my final CD4 results is out on 29Dec... And to be honest with you, am pretty sure here or in my circle of friends, the stigma will be very strong in Singapore!! Especially gay friends!! They are not as understanding as you. And I also terrify that they will leave me...I know it may consider they are not true friends...till now I had not sound out any of them what if I had HIV & how they will react to the shocking news & also me being gay!

As I have an ultra marathon coming Sun, hence it does keep me away from thinking & I think in order to fight this disease, I had to stay POZ & be healthy & keep running my marathons...

My counselor advice me to settle myself 1st before I go for the support group! I have some reserve that if I met those I know, how I would react! Or people who are volunteer (negative) and see me in the group! Many What If thoughts!!!

Btw, may I know how you overcome when you 1st diagnose? Your family & friends knows too?
Hope to get more POZ advice from you. Thank you

Hugs
Y


--------------------
Cheers,
KC

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GirBot
Member

Reged: 11/23/09
Posts: 22
Loc: Western United States
Re: Will i be able to find LOVE again!! new
      #259497 - 12/16/11 02:32 PM

I am aware Singapore is a surprisingly conservative society... I can relate. My community is well known for its Christian conservatism. I could move somewhere else, I suppose, but this is my home. And for better or worse, these are my people. They need me. Tolerance doesn't develop in the social vacuum of conformity. My presence helps sows the seeds of understanding. I'm no activist. Just a normal guy living his life. That's all it really takes to make a difference.

I'm sure many of us have also felt shame, guilt, or regret for becoming HIV+. I like to think that's normal. It indicates we feel and think deeply. But these aren't feelings we are obligated to nurture and promote for the rest of our lives. They are part of most any coping cycle. Like the cycle of grief, we go through stages when dealing with distressing circumstances. As we gain perspective, we slowly realize how unjust and cruel we've been with ourselves for feeling such things. Give yourself time.

When I learned the news of my status, I fell apart. I stayed in my room for two weeks. I tried to just sleep because when I was awake I just cried. I know the despair and hopelessness many go through. I felt it deeply.

For a long time, I didn't tell anyone. As far as I knew, only my doctor's office and my ex-boyfriend were aware. I retreated socially. I spent a lot of time with my family. I became a very attentive son, brother, and uncle. They provided a great escape from my reality. I lived in denial except when I visited the doctor.

Slowly, when I realized my death was not imminent, I started thinking about what was next for me. I contemplated what I wanted out of whatever remained of my life. I pondered what was important to me. Eventually, I pulled myself together.

I reached out online, much like you did. I stumbled onto a HIV+ gay men's social group. It took me over a year to overcome my shyness and actually attend. Just seeing normal guys... err... and some not so normal *laugh*... just hanging out doing normal stuff made me start to realize nothing had changed.

When my mom was diagnosed with diabetes, I didn't look at her differently. I have a crazy sister on psychotropics. I don't love her any less. My dad is ready to die of a heart attack any day and all I do is cherish him more. Disease is a fact of life. HIV is a virus. It is not some curse or moral judgement. No disease is. This is the 21st century... not the dark ages.

Love, compassion, respect, friendship... these things are renewable resources. As thinking rational beings, we must offer them freely for our own benefit. If we don't get them back in return, we naturally focus our attentions where we do.

It took time but I don't fear what others may think of me. Those who foster the stigma of HIV/AIDS are silly and stupid in a world so full of knowledge. If they can't bother to care enough to educate themselves especially in a day and age when the near total collection of all human knowledge is only a few key strokes away online, I have to ask myself, "Do I even want to associate with people who are so intentionally stupid?"

I don't tell everyone I am HIV+. I may not be ashamed of it but I still have a sense of propriety and polite conversation. I get annoyed by those who feel compelled to share every ache and pain. My health is my personal business. Even without full disclosure, we can share our attitudes with others and help educate the world to this pandemic. Many now know my status... and many do not. Who we tell and don't tell is our choice. This too takes time and it also gets far easier than you can imagine now. I find that people tend to mirror our feelings on the matter. If we think it is a life ending apocalyptic event, they will to. If we speak plainly, matter-of-factly, without being overly-dramatic about it, even if they're shocked, they'll have the sense to realize perhaps they need to know more before jumping to any conclusions.

Today, I lead a life far more fulfilling and meaningful than I did before. I am more healthy, more satisfied, more content. I have learned to cultivate lasting relationships with my family and friends. I have cut out of my life many of those petty, shallow, sorrowful behaviors of my youth... not out of guilt, regret or shame but out of choice.

My choices, ALL of my choices, have brought me to this point. Sure, I would LOVE to have done things differently at times but would I have learned the same things? Would I have become the same man I am today? I don't know... and I'm not sure I would take the risk of finding out if I was ever presented that choice.

There are still some risks with HIV... even when properly medicated. But if we're living it correctly, life is ALWAYS risky. Don't regret what has happened. Learn from it. Embrace the experiences and growth that will come from it.

Happiness is not a destination. It is the course we set for ourselves in life. There will be the occasional storms the come and go but if we remain true to ourselves and live openly and honestly, we have everything we need to ride them out safely.

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NorthLander
Member

Reged: 12/06/11
Posts: 12
Re: Will i be able to find LOVE again!! new
      #259619 - 12/26/11 11:44 AM

Hi Girbot,

Merry Christmas to you. Hope you had a great celebrations

I really really like what u wrote to me and i have saved it to my iphone & read it whenever am down. Thanks you so much.

It just very daunting to me that i rely on your text as it so meaningful of what u had said.
I guess it does really take quite sometimes for you to accept being HIV...

Am trying and struggling to get on my life but i know i cant do it myself...so i do really need someone to push me along the way. Before am being diagnose i can do it mostly myself as am very positive outgoing chap but since knowing i had this disease with me lifetime...am a totally changed person!!!!

Bearly talk much among my gays friends, or straight friends..in front of family i had to fake the normal me... It very hard and painful inside me to have to act as per normal...u know what mean!

But your words really help me to see and do things differently so i will try to read your text when i need that booster...

cheers


--------------------
Cheers,
KC

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Leandro
Newbie

Reged: 02/01/12
Posts: 5
Re: Will i be able to find LOVE again!! new
      #260828 - 02/01/12 03:49 AM

Love is everywhere. Its normal to think like u, at first, I tought that too. But love is hard to fine for everybody, VIH negative and poz. Maybe love is closer to you and u havent even notice. Or perhaps u have to wait a little bit more, but after u´ll fine the love of your life.

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NorthLander
Member

Reged: 12/06/11
Posts: 12
Re: Will i be able to find LOVE again!! new
      #262190 - 04/01/12 11:53 AM

Hi there,

sorry for such late reply as am not able to login..finally get to login and reply you...

I agreed with you but being poz is not very acceptable in my circle here and i/m positively sure once i told them they will run far...more than the distance i run in marathon...

I will have to wait till maybe i die before i can find love...At time seeing couples make me already sad...

Thanks for your encouragement my dears.

Hugs
KC

--------------------
Cheers,
KC

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Godisthere
Newbie

Reged: 04/07/12
Posts: 1
Re: Will i be able to find LOVE again!! new
      #262321 - 04/07/12 08:22 AM

Just be yourself, be honest to someone and soon you'll find the right LOVE for you, dont forget to Pray and Ask GOD for guidance...

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NorthLander
Member

Reged: 12/06/11
Posts: 12
Re: Will i be able to find LOVE again!! new
      #263049 - 05/14/12 12:44 PM

Hi dear,
Thanks for the advice...

--------------------
Cheers,
KC

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