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HIV Life >> Gay Men

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AZguy11
Newbie

Reged: 03/27/11
Posts: 1
Loc: Arizona
poz/neg relationship and monagamy
      #254995 - 03/27/11 09:46 PM

I’m curious about others experiences. I’ve been in a relationship for 4 years with someone who is neg, we found out I was poz about 3 years ago. Everything is great but our sex life of coarse…He couldn’t be sweeter and more supportive of me, but he has been seeking satisfaction elsewhere sexually which I am really bothered by. First if he can barely jerk me off with out getting freaked out, how can he do it with other guys with whom he doesn’t even know if they are neg or poz – the way I see it at least with me he knows what he is dealing with and we can be safe. Then on the other hand I feel as maybe I should over look it because I’m being selfish not allowing him to have satisfying sex, even though in my opinion from reading others experiences you can have a satisfying sex life in a neg/poz relationship if both parties are truly interested in working it out…I have never really been signed up for the whole open relationship deal, but in this case maybe it is a solution? But the other problem is I can’t even get him to talk about that, as far as he is concerned he has never cheated on me and never will! Anyone have any thoughts about this? ☺

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kicker
Moderator

Reged: 10/25/10
Posts: 1130
Loc: GA, USA
Re: poz/neg relationship and monagamy new
      #255001 - 03/28/11 01:09 PM

Being in a pos/neg relationship myself, I can empathize. My partner and I are pretty rational and open minded. It was me who was scared of sex at first, being the positive one, he just let me go and we took it easy. After a while of talking and negotiating what we were both comfortable with, it has evolved and gotten better from my mental stand point and on the physical level. I still have my nights/days when I feel gross and don't want to be touched etc, and still have my fears of infecting him, but we TALK and compromise.

That said, I am not sure how you were infected; and not to sound rude, but its none of my business. But you said you have known for three and have been in a relationship for 4. Let's look at it this way, maybe he feels cheated? Maybe he is angry about something. I don't know. Maybe he is afraid to face the reality and sex causes him to face it. The complexity of it all is rather intense and versed. The only way to really reach any type of resolve is to talk about it. If it seems to go no where, suggest seeing a councilor together to have a mediator. If he is unresponsive to that, and you still feel that your needs aren't being met and its causing you stress and heartache. Then I suggest that you stop investing in something that isn't paying out a return.

Just because you are the positive partner doesn't mean you are to suffer and be treated subhuman. Tell him how you feel. If you entered into the relationship believing it was going to be monogamous and that was agreed to there is no reason you should accept an "open" relationship just because you have HIV. That would be unreasonable and needless to say a self esteem killer in my book. So if you give it a good attempt and he is unresponsive then I say let him be with who ever he wants just change the locks while he is out.

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COFFEE2005
Newbie

Reged: 12/31/06
Posts: 6
Loc: NORTH CAROLINA
Re: poz/neg relationship and monagamy new
      #255048 - 03/31/11 11:45 PM

kudos for knowing what type of relationship you want and the willingness to work for it. Conversation about sex, and your needs, is the best place to start. Even if your partner isn't as comfortable with it as you are, it needs to be said. I know my partner talked with my ASO and specifically the health educator, in depth, about what we could do and how safe he would be. I mean really, we haven't changed anything much at all. In the gay world of today, condoms should be standard practice. We do sometimes chose not to wear condoms but we know the risk reducing practices and the possible consequences. 95% of all new infections of HIV come from people who do not know they are HIV+. That means only 5 out of every new 100 infections comes from someone who knows they are positive. That's because we play safely. There are so many tips and suggestions out there...an HIV+ person should not have to be unsatisfied sexually. My partner is still negative after 10 years of a lot of fun sex with me, his monogamous HIV+ mate---and he is very satisfied. Staying adherent to yours meds, and keeping an undetectable viral load will make it less likely that the virus will pass from you to another. You have to take care of you first and foremost. Just because we are HIV+, it does not give anyone a free pass to treat us differently or get their sexual needs met elsewhere. I get the sense that you could make your partner really happy and you deserve someone to treat you the same way. Be safe....but have LOTS OF FUN...its ok to love, and be loved by, someone with HIV....

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